Daily Archives: December 28, 2013

Special “Resolutions and Restitutions” E-dition

Saturday, December 28, 2013

image005Another obligatory year-end ritual for pandering publications is a list of local celebrity New Year’s resolutions. Here’s some you’ll probably never see:      

  • JOHN BOEHNER: Try not to look like such a wimp whenever I cave in to Obama and those Disingenuous DemocRATS.
  • OBAMA: Try not to get impeached.
  • DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS: Ignore all those new ObamaCare Taxes.
  • image008OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR KASICH-TAYLOR: Just waiting to see how helpful Fitzgerald’s new running mate will be.
  • ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Make a really shocking announcement this year.
  • OHIO STATE-SENATOR ERIC KEARNEY: Remember to pay those back taxes.
  • TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Get ready for the 2014 Elections on November 4.
  • CINCINNATI VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN AND CLOWNCILMAN KEVIN FLYNN-FLAM: Celebrate “Backstabbers Day” on March 15.
  • CINCINNATI MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY: Always sit with my back against the wall at City Hall.
  • CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK: Don’t encourage dudes to leave messages for me on my windshield.
  • HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP: concentrate on something really important, like finding more Facebook friends. 
  • DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA: Make sure everybody knows investigating Republican Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters is “not political.”
  • image010AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION: make fun of more politicians, just like when I sent The Blower “Mallory’s Snow Job Express.”
  • WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL: Reveal the name of my next “Political Philanderer.”
  • FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: try a little “Feck.”
  • REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: See if we can’t find a tax we don’t support.
  • ODD TODD OPPORTUNE: Try to keep a straight face while telling people about my plans to run for governor.
  • NEW HAMILTON COUNTY SHERIFF JIM NEIL: Convince Greenwood and Streicher to write a more favorable report next time. 
  • DITZY DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY JUVENILE COURT JUDGE TRACIE HUNTER: Hold more big events to raise money for my Legal Defense Fund.
  • image012IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS: We don’t know and we don’t care.
  • KATHY HARRELL: Continue to represent the local FOP with all the honor and dignity that organization deserves.
  • NEW CINCINNATI POLICE CHIEF JEFFREY BLACKWELL: Actually do something to earn my enormous salary.
  • LOONY LIBERTARIAN CANDIDATE JIM BERNS: Look for more windmills to tilt and cows to tip.
  • “TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN AND CHRIS FINNEY: Come up with a few more phony awards to give ourselves at the next COAST Meeting.
  • CHRIS FINNEY’S FORMER LAW PARTNERS: Take Finney’s name off both buildings first thing on January 1.
  • $TATE REP-TILE-FOR-$ALE PETER $TAUTBERG: Do whatever Larcenous Lobbyist Chippy Gerhardt tells me.
  • “MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT: Roll out my political comeback campaign in 2014.
  • CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN: laugh all the way to the bank. 
  • CINCINNATI BEARCATS FOOTBALL COACH TOMMY TUBERVILLE: Earn a real BCS Bowl invitation instead of just another “Belk Bowl.”
  • image013DISGRACED-AND-DEFEATED ANDERSON TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE KEVIN O’BRIEN: Hope The Blower doesn’t find out where I’m working these days.
  • VICTORIOUS NEW ANDERSON TRUSTEE GERTH PAPPAS: Fumigate Kevin O’Brien’s office before moving in.
  • TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Find more worthy candidates to support during the 2014 RINO Hunting Season.
  • BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO: Find a few more good NoKY snitches.
  • U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL: Start more rumors about my 2016 Presidential Campaign.
  • MATT BEVIN: Do something so Bitch McConnell won’t keep ignoring me as his opponent.
  • image015KENTON COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE STEVE ARLINGHAUS: Change the name of the CVG Board to the “Mile High Club.”
  • CAMPBELL COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE STEVE SPENDERY: Waste more over-taxed payers’ money in 2014 so I’ll deserve my Official Whistleblower Nickname. 
  • BOONEDOGGLE COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE GARY MOORE: Don’t start to grow another beard.
  • KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS: find a bigger place for next year’s Christmas Party.
  • THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” (INCLUDING THE LISA WELLS WLW FAN CLUB): Keep sending more good stuff to the Kentucky Bar Association.
  • image017RICK “THE BATBOY” ROBINSON: Admit the real reason I’m no longer making Jews feel welcome in Northern Kentucky for Graydon Head.
  • MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH: Learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.
  • HORNY IN HEBRON: check out more of those Wilder Women.
  • MISS VICKI: Publish a complete list of all those Uptight Bitches in Fort Thomas who faked their orgasms on World Orgasms for Peace Day.
  • OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH: e-mail more vile-and-disgusting photos to The Blower.
  • image018HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Continue trying to teach people that “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
  • QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE: Try to find a better line than “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
  • WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES: promise if we can’t find anything nice to say about somebody, to e-mail The Blower immediately!
  • BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE: Never forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”

Now let’s all say it together: “Because wherever there’s corruption, we’ll be there. Wherever there’s injustice, we’ll be there. And wherever there’s a bunch of big guys beating up on a little guy, we’ll be there too…holding the little guy down.”

These are the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions. Any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you may see published elsewhere are surely fake.

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 “Job Security” by James Jay Schifrin 

On Saturday afternoon, viewers were treated to an announcerless football game on NBC-TV. This is something Bengal radio listeners have endured for years.

What a difference! For once you could enjoy the game without having to listen to the meaningless chatter of over-the-hill sportscasters and last-round draft choices telling you everything you never wanted to know about football and didn’t care enough to ask.

If you paid attention, you saw the Jets beat the Dolphins. If you weren’t asleep, you could see why. But the aftermath was predictable. The Cossell types convinced us we really needed them.

But what if the idea caught on? We already have self-service gas stations where you can check your own oil and stores where you can save money by selecting your own merchandise.

Imagine teacherless classrooms, where students could learn to think for themselves; preacherless sermons, where people could pray for themselves; bossless offices, where secretaries could finally get some work done.

But what if the idea spread? TV talk shows would become extinct. Bob Braun would be shining shoes. Newspapers might contain only ads. Or even worse, think of television newscasts where newscasters didn’t have anything important to say.

No, the idea won’t work. If it did, someday people would become self-reliant. They might even decide they no longer needed politicians to steal their money or big government to run their lives.

But our elected officials need not worry. Their jobs are safe. As long as the public is lazy enough to need announcers to watch a football game, they’ll be around.

This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on December 24, 1980.

More Conservative Political Cartoons

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BROKEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE

e-mail your best intentions today

image022 Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.

LINK OF THE DAY

JibJab 2013 Year in Review: “What A Year!”

image028Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here

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