Friday, December 27, 2013
The Corruption of Christmas
This Christmas season, during the Devolution of the American Culture Throughout the Obama Administration, we’ve witnessed a record level of blasphemy according to each person’s own filter of political correctness. Racial Racketeers like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson claim “Jesus was a Black Man.” Members of GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) exploiting that really silly Duck Dynasty Controversy claimed “Santa Claus prefers an anus to a vagina.” And Murdering Muslim Members of Hamas like Mahmoud Abbas was mocked when he tried to maintain that Jesus and Santa were both Palestinians, while Barry and Michelle would like to wish season’s greetings and happy holidays to all you hard-working, dumb-ass, white-trash, gun loving, Christian, cracker, over-taxed payers all across the country.
That’s because our supposedly “Devout” Christian Barack Obama skipped church on Christmas during his over-taxed payer funded Hawaiian Vacation, despite issuing a call last week for Christians to remember the religious aspect of the holiday and not overdo the commercial. Oh, the Hypocrisy!
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose this Chevy Chase Classic from “Christmas Vacation”: “Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah!”
Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1831 Charles Darwin set sail in the Beagle, but you probably won’t see a Christmas display of that at the Lizard Museum in Northern Kentucky.
Some of our Pathetic Political Pundits admit 2013 was the worst year yet for Obama’s Pitiful Presidency. Buy hey, we still have 1,120 more days during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term unless he’s impeached, and The Blower’s sure 2014 can be even worse, but only if Obama really tries.
And do you think all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters will appreciate the difference? Probably not!
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
It’s Real Republican Boondoggle County Judge Executive Gary Moore, who says it’s easy to see why his County has led all large government jurisdictions in the Bluegrass state in payroll growth during the last six years, since Northern Kentucky is right across the river from Cincinnati, which people can’t seem to get away from fast enough.
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting economic progress, is pleased to permit our Part-time Religious fanatic like Gary to be our Christmas Week guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors.
- “THE 13 REASONS SANTA CLAUS IS DEFINITELY A CONSERVATIVE” by Adam Shaw, a news editor for FoxNews.com
I’ve been making a list and checking it twice, and although I can’t tell you who’s been naughty or nice, I can say that Santa Claus has all the hallmarks of being a conservative.
Could it be true? Could everyone’s favorite Christmas figure be a right-winger? Well, let’s see the evidence:
1. Did you ever hear Santa wishing someone a “Happy Holidays?” No, for the man in red, it’s always “Merry Christmas” – no matter who it offends.
2. He lives in the North Pole – a tax haven with a zero percent tax rate – hardly a sign of someone who believes in government and wants to pay his “fair share.”
3. Santa’s whole mission is one of private charity. There are no records of the Santa Claus movement being given even $1 in public assistance. Santa epitomizes charity over welfare.
4. He is the sole employer in the area with huge amounts of unskilled elves. Does anyone really believe they are getting above minimum wage? They certainly aren’t getting $15 an hour as the unions demand.
5. Speaking of unions, if one calculates the amount of work required at Christmas, there must be some solid all-nighters being pulled by the Santa team. There’s certainly no room for union-allocated breaks and hour limits. Santa’s factory would not meet the approval of the left.
6.Santa is almost single handedly responsible for the surge of consumerism that pounds our culture every year – a trend that benefits big corporations enormously, and something that our liberal friends despise.
7. On the subject of regulation, does the sleigh meet EPA regulations? Its unspecified power source is hardly an approved fuel – yet Santa seems not to care whether it damages the environment or not. Is Santa a global warming ‘denier?’ It sure sounds like it!
8. Santa also operates what would be an enormous factory right near the ice caps. Definitely no climate change concerns here then.
9. Also, flying reindeer must surely be a protected species. Is it ethical to be using them for intense labor lugging around tons of presents across the globe? PETA would surely have a fit, but Santa appears not to have any concerns for Rudolph and his friends.
10. As for the children to whom he delivers gifts, these are no handouts. Kids must earn their gifts via good behavior, promoting a conservative work ethic, and Santa has no problem with snatching gifts away from naughty kids. Punishment is not a naughty word for Claus.
11. The naughty or nice list also shows an objective moral compass. Santa apparently rejects liberal relativism or explaining away bad behavior with pop psychology and ‘culture’ issues.
12. His love of cookies and large stomach shows a blatant disregard for Michelle Obama’s healthy eating program, as it encourages children to believe that eating vast quantities of cookies is perfectly acceptable. If he were a liberal, he’d be asking for broccoli and cranberry juice.
13. Finally, he works with Coca-Cola – one of the biggest corporations on the planet – something that no self-respecting liberal would even dream of doing.
The evidence is clear – Santa is a conservative. But our liberal friends should not worry, just like a good conservative, Santa excludes no-one! Merry Christmas!
- “AMA INSIGHT” by Congressional Podiatrist Brad Wenstrup, MD
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama’s new health care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the Assholes in Washington!
- “PASSWORD PROTECTION” by Edward Snowden
Here’s what happened when I tried to create my password on the ObamaCare web site to get my insurance.
“You must enter a password to proceed.”
roses
“Sorry, too few characters.”
pretty roses
“Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character.”
1 pretty rose
“Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.”
1prettyrose
“Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters.”
1fuckingprettyrose
“Sorry, you must use at least one upper-case character.”
1FUCKINGprettyrose
“Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper-case character consecutively.”
1FuckingPrettyRose
“Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters.”
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
“Sorry, you cannot use punctuation.”
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
“Sorry, that password is already taken.”
- AND A QUICKIE By Our Good Friend Bobby Leach
I get this poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre every winter, and every winter I love re-reading it.
It’s a beautiful poem and very well written.
SHIT
IT’S COLD!!
The End
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
Some of The Blower’s Weasel Zippers Headlines So Far This Week
DUCK DYNASTY DEBACLE: New Duck Dynasty Episodes To Feature Phil Robertson Despite Suspension…Duck Dynasty Creator/Producer Once Starred In Indie Film About Gay Porn Called “The Fluffer”…Favorite Obama Columnist Josh Barro: “I Apologize To All The Christians” For “Having Sex With Dudes”…LA Times: Duck Dynasty Patriarch “Bible Thumper” Who Is “Stuck In The 1950s”…USA Today Columnist Calls Phil Robertson A “Cracker”…Twitter Is Blocking Links To The #IStandWithPhil Petition Website…ACLU Admits It Won’t Defend Phil Robertson Because He’s A Christian…A&E Celebrates Christmas With Duck Dynasty Super Marathon…Duck Dynasty Merchandise Flying Off Shelves…CDC Used Same Language To Describe Gay Sex As Phil Robertson…Jesse Jackson Accuses Phil Robertson of “White Privilege,” Says He’s Worse Than Rosa Parks’ Bus Driver… Sales of Duck Dynasty’s Christmas Album Zoom After Phil Robertson’s Suspension By A&E…- OBAMA SIGNS UP FOR OBAMACARE: Obama Says He Will Sign Up For ObamaCare Today…ObamaCare Website Crashes As Obama Tries To Enroll…White House Aide Had To Enroll Obama In ObamaCare Because He Was Too Busy Vacationing In Hawaii…Obama Exempts His Family From Having To Enroll In ObamaCare…Obama Tried To Sign Up For ObamaCare Using Exchange Website But System Didn’t Recognize Him…
- OUR DEVOLVING CULTURE DURING THE AGE OF OBAMA: Alabama Town Hires Black Drag Queens To Dance In Christmas Parade . . . Shockingly, People Have A Problem With This…French Feminists Urinate In Front of Altar At Church of The Madeleine In Paris…Daughter Of NYC’s Next Mayor: “I Struggle With Depression And Substance Abuse”… Tampa PD Deliver Gifts To Family That Had Their Presents Stolen…Santa Claus Shot In Back With Pellet Gun During Gift Giveaway… Islamic Group Protests Christmas With Drawing of Muslim Man Punching Santa In The Face…Lib Church Displays Bleeding Trayvon Martin In Christmas Nativity Scene…RNC Issues Statement Honoring Fake Holiday Kwanzaa…Georgia Veterans Hospital Bans Christmas Carolers From Singing Religious Songs…
See a more complete list of this week’s Weasel Zippers Headlines in Sunday’s E-dition.
Until then, Click on the logo below.
Stories We’re Working On
New ObamaCare Fees Coming in 2014- Hospital Bans Carolers From Singing Religious Songs On Christmas
- RNC Issues Statement Honoring Fake Holiday Kwanzaa
- Long-term Jobless Benefits to Expire December 31
- Stautberg Nominated for Worst Legislator In The Cincinnati Area
- Finney’s Name Comes Off Both Buildings on January 1
- Kentucky Bar Waiting For More “Crazy Eric” Ethics Complaints to Roll In
Whistleblower Web Poll
Today, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they’d like to celebrate New Year’s Eve next week:
(A) Drinking crappy champagne: 2%
(B) Breaking New Year’s resolutions: 1%
(C) Watching the ball drop on TV: 3%
(D) Remembering about having hot sex: 94%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
More Duck Dynasty Controversy Exploitation Posters
So Why Didn’t The Blower’s Friends at the ACLU Stick Up for that Duck Dynasty Guy?
After news of Phil Robertson’s controversial comments circulated, and A&E promptly hit him with an indefinite suspension, which, in turn, prompted right-wingers like Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck to claim the TV station somehow violated Robertson’s free-speech rights by punishing him for expressing his opinion.
But in a blog post published last Friday, the ACLU of Minnesota’s Jana Kooren explains why that’s a bunch of bunk: The Constitution protects you from the government violating your rights. Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty, has not been arrested or charged with a crime for his comments about gays (nor should he be), he has been [indefinitely suspended] by a private employer for making these comments.
Phil Robertson has the right to make whatever homophobic or racist comments he wants without fear of going to prison for it, however he does not have the right to have his own TV show, or to say what he wants without negative reactions from his employer or people in the community.
Year-End Wussie Bashing
This week, everybody who thinks it doesn’t really matter if the press is lazy, stupid, or dishonest because the results are always the same, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane, whose selection was really no total surprise to the staff since he always picks the winning entries himself (along with which photograph of himself to use.) Kane says “It’s the same fair, open, and honest process used by both the GOP and DemocRAT Parties to make their important choices.” And giving yourself meaningless awards is no big deal. Guys at COAST like Chris Finney and “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman proved that early this month.
Kane wins an “My Predictions Turned out Great in 2013” T-shirt with a picture of Hamilton County still in “Blue,” a list of everybody else’s resolutions from last year to follow-up, and 1,001 more snitches to make his job easier. His winning limerick is:
In 2007 our New Year’s resolution
Was to fight all that liberal pollution
To repeal all the taxes,
We’d sent no more faxes,
e-mail was the only solution.
In 2008 our New Year’s resolution
Was to destroy a Liberal institution!
We’ll break out the glass,
And really kick ass,
And with a chain saw, exact retribution!
In 2009 our New Year’s resolution
Meant you’ll be in for some real persecution;
The Blower Motto we’d remember,
From January through December,
In our new right-wing revolution.
In 2010 our New Year’s Resolution
Had seen significant evolution:
We thought about voting Republican,
But they’ve been blue since who remembers when,
So we joined the Tea Party Revolution.
In 2011 our New Year’s Resolution
Was to go to Confession and seek absolution
For all the times we’ve cussed out Obama
And his Socialist electoral drama,
That’s fast bringing on our dissolution.
In 2012 our New Year’s resolution
Was to tune in to Obama’s elocution
We’ll watch all of his rants
And try not to poop in our pants
When he claims he has the solution.
But this year my New Year’s resolution
Will be to escape from this Institution
We’ll make a rope from my sheets
And hope we land on our feets
And try to find us all a solution.
From Northern Kentucky
This time my New Year’s resolution
Will be to try to find a solution
To the question of where Obama
Was born to his Mama,
So we don’t go against the Constitution!
And another New Year’s Resolution
Will be to divest myself of all pollution.
TV, cell phone, computer – in the trash!
But, lest my actions seem unduly rash,
I’m keeping the radio on, in case there’s a revolution.
This time my New Year’s Resolution
Will be striving to avoid Obama’s elocution
His damned toothy face
Is all over the freaking place
And his gas is worse than any CO2 pollution.
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this Obama-basher:
This time my New Year’s resolution
Will be to hope for a painful execution
Of the members of Congress
Who created our fiscal mess
And are brain-dead when they look for a solution.
And while we punish Senators and Reps
Let’s take a few more drastic steps
And curse the Messiah
Who caused this financial bonfire
And threatened us with an economic eclipse
I’ll try to be relentless and firm
Hoping we can impeach this phony worm
And before I repent
I’ll get the 47%
Who elected this a-hole for a second term
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The biggest story we found last year”
NOT YET BROKEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
e-mail your best intentions today
Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.
Whistleblower Link of the Day
New Year’s Resolution Commercial
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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