Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Christmas Poems from Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves
There will be no visit from Santa
You’ll get no presents this year.
The old guy got busted
With a whole sleigh full of beer.
Poor Santa’s in Jail
He’s taken a fall.
For getting too busy
With a cute Barbie doll.
Or Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
All the other reindeer loved him
‘Cause they know he blows.
All the little boys
Will sing a happy song
Because this Christmas
Barbie wears a thong.
Little boys this Christmas
Will surely stand erect
When they learn that Barbie
Is now anatomically correct.
Ol’ Santa made a special stop
At a town up north named Nome
He found a real cute housewife
Whose husband wasn’t home.
She knew just what he wanted
And how much he’d like to tap it.
What she couldn’t quite figure out
Is what to do to wrap it.
Top Ten List
Today, it’s the Top Ten Downtown Council Holiday Events held on Fountain Square this year:
10. WEBN/Toyota Great Christmas Condom Giveaway
9. U-Haul/Northern Kentucky Business Relocation Expo
8. Updating the Official 2012 Whistleblower/ Smith & Wesson/ TV Coroner Odell Owens Press Conference/ Mark Mallory “Stop the Violence” Billboards/ David A. Pepper “Public Safety is My First Priority/ “JayWalking Joe” Deters This Guy is Scum Murder Count
7. Justice Department Racial Profiling Arab Roundup for Ramadan
6. Hanukkah Harry and Kwanzaa Claus duke it out on Diversity Don’t Mean Crap Day
5. WGRR/Depends Elvis Claus Visit
4. Kleagel Karaoke Kontest
3. Hyatt Celebrity Puke following the World’s Worst Office Party
2. Lesbian Avengers Nutcracker Party
And the number one Downtown Council holiday event on Fountain Square was… World’s Largest Chicken Choking Contest on World Orgasm for Peace Day.
A Visit to Saint Nick by Clement C. Moore
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka went to see Santa, to ask the jolly old elf Santa why he hasn’t stopped by his house during the past few years. “What happened to that Magic Blue-faced Hamilton County Party Boss Alex T. Mall Cop GOP Doll I gave you in 2006?” Santa asked.
“I still have my Alex T. doll sitting on my desk at Demo-Labor Party Headquarters,” Tim said.
“And hasn’t done everything possible to keep Hamilton County “Blue” ever since?” Santa replied.
“No County DemocRAT Party Boss could’ve asked for anything more,” Tim replied.
“I don’t see how you could ever ask for anything more,” Santa explained. “Because if Alex T. isn’t a gift that just keeps on giving, the elves and I don’t know what is.”
Award-Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us what that conversation must have looked like.
The most amazing thing about the combined Christmas Party sponsored Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders and That Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) was the number of people in the legal and law enforcement communities who’d been frivolously sued by “Crazy Eric” Deters. Also amazing was the number of people there who described “Crazy Eric” as “Somewhat Deranged.”
So now in Crazy Eric’s honor, we could all sing some of “Crazy Eric’s” favorite Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed:
- SCHIZOPHRENIA: “Do You Hear What I Hear?”
- MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: “We Three Kings Disoriented Are”
- DEMENTIA: “I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas”
- NARCISSISTIC: “Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me”
- MANIC: “Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..”
- PARANOID: “Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me”
- BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: “Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire”
- PERSONALITY DISORDER: “You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why”
- ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER: Silent Night, Holy Oooh Look At The Froggy – Can I Have A Chocolate, Why Is France So Far Away…”
- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ….
Finally, at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane how you can tell if you’re a Grinch at Christmas time. Kane explained:
You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.
And you reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
And what would a Whistleblower Christmas be without our annual reading of “Mean Jean’s” Nightmare Before Christmas?
T’was the night before Christmas and all through the House
Ran a tiny harsh woman with flag-plastered blouse.
Senators, Congressmen, all had gone home
Back to their districts, their office and phone.
But not Ohio Rep. Mean Jean
No, she stayed right there,
Screaming and swearing with witchy dark hair.
She went to the floor, to the cameras she turned.
And gave fiery speeches, her colleagues she burned,
She called them all names, said they’d all cut and run,
They should’ve stayed put, until I was done!
“But it’s Christmas,” said Boehner, “their families await,
And a few members left to cheer troops in Kuwait.”
“That’s nonsense,” said Schmidt with her eyes all ablaze
“I wasn’t quite finished, we’ve taxes to raise,
In Ohio we tax all the sugarplum dreams,
We tax all the garlands and cards by the reams
We tax Christmas ornaments, mistletoe, and holly
We tax silver bells and mulled cider, by golly.
“I’ve come to DC to do more of the same,
If it moves we can tax it, then pass all the blame.
It worked in Ohio with Taft as our guide,
It can work in DC, if you’ll just give me a free ride.”
But Boehner, he locked up the Capitol doors,
Jean shouted, “You’re all just political whores!”
This Christmas ol’ Mean Jean’s not back in the district,
She’s locked in the chambers and going ballistic.
Second District families are safe so you see,
For now Christmas spirit is staying tax-free
Recent Holiday Video Releases
Thanks for helping us keep our names in the news by allowing us to dance our way into your hearts in the Whistleblower Holiday Video. —Eric and Nicolle
At least in that new “Snowball Fight Video,” where The Whistleblower and Newt teamed up against us local RINOs, they forgot to color my face “Blue.” —Alex T., Mall Cop GOP
Whenever The Blower needed music, we made that event really rock. —CFK and the Conservative Crew from Congress
And don’t forget how we all helped trim the tree for Christmas. —The Whistleblower Elves
Santa’s Mailbag
Santa’s been really busy this year, so he asked us to answer some of his mail. Here are a few letters we handled for him.
Dear Santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer. —Yer Frend, Alton
Dear Alton:
You no doubt attend the Failed Cincinnati Pubic Skools. I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! —Santa
Dear Santa:
All I ask for Christmas is peace and joy and racial harmony for everybody! —Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah:
You should’ve sent your letter to the Morning Fishwrap. They love that kind of crap. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I don’t know if you can arrange this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. —Your pal, Teddy
Dear Teddy:
Your dad’s banging your baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. He’s not gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom. It’s time to give up that dream. Let me bring you some nice Legos instead. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a drum set, and a pony. —Francis
Dear Francis:
Who names his kid Francis” these days? When you grow up, you’ll probably turn out to be gay. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please can I have one? —Timmy
Dear Timmy:
That whiney begging Schmidt may work with your folks, but it won’t work with me. You’re getting pink bunny slippers again. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. —Love, Susan
Dear Susan:
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when I’m riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. —Santa
Dear Santa:
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? —Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas:
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porn films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. —Santa
Dear Santa:
Do you see us when we’re sleeping? Do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
—Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica:
Are you really that stupid? Forget the toys this year. I’m skipping your house. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I’d like to run for class president. Can you help me, please, please? —”Greggie”
Dear “Greggie”:
Forget it, kid. You’re such a loser. You’ll get an hellacious ass whipping, just like all the bullies give you every day when they pull your pants down after school. —Santa
Dearest Santa:
We don’t have a chimney. How will you get into our house? —Love, Bobby
Dear Bobby:
Just like your mother’s boyfriends, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! —Santa
Dear Santa:
I’ve always wanted a Red Ryder 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle. —Ralphie
Dear Ralphie:
Sorry, kid. You might shoot your eye out. —Santa
These are the real letters to Santa. Any other letters to Santa you may see published in the newspaper are surely fake.
Now from the archives of our award-winning photo illustrator Artis Conception
Here Is The Reason For The Season. Got It ? Merry CHRISTmas!
COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE HOT LINE
e-mail your enormous empathy today
Some compassionate Conservative items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally compassionate Conservative subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY
NOT THE AMISH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN ADAMS COUNTY
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