Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

The president of the United States, leader of the free world, standard-bearer for everything upright, good and wholesome about the nation he leads, lost his morality, his dignity and his mind, using the solemn occasion of Nelson Mandela’s memorial service Tuesday to act like a hormone-ravaged frat boy on a road trip to a strip bar. —NY Post
Which is probably why so many people are bootlegging videos of us mocking Obama this weekend. —Saturday Night Live
If Nelson Mandela is a leader Obama is trying to emulate, shouldn’t he first start by spending 27 years in prison? — Don Imus
Please don’t ask how much it will be costing U.S. over-taxed payers for Obama’s 17-day Holiday Vacation in Hawaii starting later this week. —Obama’s White House Spokes Dweeb Jay Cardboard
Although many Conservative Groups honored me last week with “Jerk of the Week” honors, I’m glad to see my friends at The Blower still stand behind me 1000% if I remembered to wish everybody a Happy TEA Party Day on Monday. —RINO GOP House Speaker John Boehner

In Saturday’s Opening Statement, I said, “Surprise, surprise, it’s yet another Obama administration failure and scandal that they will investigate themselves.” —Judge Jeanine Pirro
I’ll be in Israel later this week speaking at a conference in Jerusalem on the impact of Obama’s sell out to Iran. —Revered Former Ohio Congressman Bob McEwen
On this date in 1903 near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first successful flight in history of a self-propelled, heavier-than-air aircraft. Orville piloted the gasoline-powered, propeller-driven biplane, which stayed aloft for 12 seconds and covered 120 feet on its inaugural flight. Orville’s luggage, however, wound up in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, on Ground Hog’s Day. —Hurley the Historian
In honor of actor Peter’s O’Toole’s passing, we’ve chosen his all-time best movie quote as T.E. Lawrence in “Lawrence of Arabia”: “There may be honor among thieves, but there’s none in politicians.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
Does The Fishwrap think I’m just a little heavy handed in the way I’m taking charge of the City? —Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley
Many people are wondering why he was wearing his Baby Blue Security Blanket when he showed up at that meaningless White House photo Op last Friday. —Cranley’s Critics
We’re having a Really Big Bake Sale this week to try to raise $80 Million to save the Trolley Folly. —Stupid Streetcar Supporters
Did everybody see that Gallup poll saying TEA Party Patriots were more popular than Republicans? —Ohio TEA Party Guy Tom Z
At least The Fishwrap didn’t demand I resign from my current office because my Cincinnati Herald was a little late paying a few taxes. —Dead Deadbeat DemocRAT State Senator Eric Kearney
Do you think my good friend “In Russ We Trust” Jackson has anything special planned for my last trustee meeting on Thursday? —Disgraced and Defeated Anderson Township Trustee Kevin “Big Spanky” O’Brien
What happened yesterday? Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign wasn’t even trying to sell us another crappy Christmas tree ornament or ask for a donation. —Obsessive Obama Supporters like Tom and Rose
Does Clermont County TEA party leader Ted Stevenot really plan to challenge Ohio RINO Governor Kasich-Taylor in the Republican gubernatorial primary next year? —Cleveland Pain Dealer
Please don’t ask why we forgot to tell all our members yesterday was a very special day in our history. —Local TEA Party Organizations
How surprised will everybody at my Christmas Party be when I announce my plans to return to politics? —Mean Jean Schmidt
We’re all planning to be there, so that party will really rock. —CFK’s Conservative Crew
Our Litigious Lawyers didn’t glom onto enough cash this year from the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools and the City of Cincinnati, so we had to charge for drinks at last night’s Christmas Party. —Citizens Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes (COAST)
Was I really the only black person there? —NAALCP President SMLP Smithermouth
Did Crazy Eric really boast on his twitter feed that he was going on CBS the other day to talk about his epic battle with the Internet for bimbo Sarah Jones? How on earth can he speak to the press as her lawyer when he’s under suspension? Surely someone will report this flagrant violation of its order to the Kentucky Supreme Court. — That Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club)
Sometimes those Amazing Amish Christmas Lights are hard to see because the Amish don’t use electricity. —Adams County Historian Scott Seaman
Hey, everybody: a new shipment of Chabotheads has just arrived. —K-Mart
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People
Please tell the yoofs there be only 9 mo’ shopliftin’ days till Kwanzaa! —Kwanzaa Klaus
With so few Jews and Colored People in Northern Kentucky, it will be hard trying to decide which minor holiday to ignore in December. —Ken Camboo
Nothing says “Christmas” more than a picture of Our Beloved Publisher Charles Foster Kane and a bunch of topless bimbos wearing Santa hats (in the middle of yesterday’s “Politically Incorrect Christmas E-dition). —Horny in Hebron
Many people are asking if Dinosaurs will be included when we build Noah’s Ark. —Answers in Genesis
All over Northern Kentucky, folks are getting ready to party hearty on the Winter Solstice. —Dave the Druid
Remember when Mae West said, “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away?” —Your Good Friend Bobby Leach
Wouldn’t it be funny if pictures from that World Orgams for Peace Party got mixed up with the photos from This Week In Kenton Circuit Court? —Your Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders
Wouldn’t it be funny if FaceBook pictures from my World Orgasms for Peace Party got mixed up with the photos from my Family Christmas Newsletter? —Miss Vicki
A man walked into Victoria’s Secret to purchase his wife a sheer negligee for Miss Vicki’s party. He was shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opted for the sheerest item, paid the $500, and took it home. He gave it to his wife and asked her to model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (I’m no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’ She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose. The husband said, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it to get the wrinkles out!’ Poor guy. He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin. —A Guy Named Steve
The best part about our Winter Solstice Celebration at the station is when we grab Trish “The Dish’s” legs and Trish says, “Make a wish.” —TV 19 Photographers
TV5’s Sheree Paolello liked it when we said “orgasms” on the air. —Jack Atherton, Atherton (Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you’re still having trouble finding me)
I quit WXIX-TV to embark on the most ambitious independent journalism project in history and make the Truth in Media project a reality. Now you can visit our web site where you can buy a “Liberty is Rising” T-Shirt for only $24.99. No kidding! —Ben Swann
In last week’s column titled “Something Special,” we learned as annoying as all those so-called Christmas Specials on TV might be, the regular programming is even worse. —Your Friends in Patronage County
And if all of that isn’t entertaining enough, check out my new video this week. —Uncle Jay Explains the News

MORE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL CARTOONS

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Sometimes The Blower makes fun of political eulogies to show that politicizing tragedies will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t an elected official.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially politicians running towards the TV cameras after a tragic event.

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WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY

FROSTY THE PERVERT

(Another in our series of Bad Taste Holiday Videos)

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Whistleblower Newswire

Some of the News They Seem to Lose

Belated “TEA Party Day” E-dition