Saturday, December 14, 2013
A Government Voters Truly Deserve
Last year at this time, RINO House Speaker John Boehner had not yet caved in on “Taxmageddon.” This year, he’s already caved in on and gift wrapped a Dishonest Budget Deal for Obama and his Disingenuous DemocRATS.
The reason Boehner had to start a fight with outside groups and the TEA Party was so Kneepad Liberals in the Press wouldn’t be forced to cover a policy debate on how bad his Budget Deal Surrender really was. When Nutty Nancy Pelosi said DemocRATS had to “Embrace the Suck,” that should’ve been a really good clue.
Today our Dimwit DemocRAT House Minority is back to accusing Republicans of “Lack of Concern” for the fake black holiday called Kwanzaa in only twelve more days and DemocRATS immediately mocked Boehner and e-mailed Obama Followers begging for another $17 donation to elect a Speaker of the House who wouldn’t take orders from Conservative Special Interests.
But let’s face it, folks! U.S. Debt has gone up $3 trillion in less than three years under Boehner’s so-called “Leadership.” That’s more than under all the previous presidents from Washington thru Reagan. Does that sound like Boehner has ever been taking orders from Conservatives?
And what do Conservatives think about it? Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception is now calling Boehner the “Weasel of the House.”
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1799, George Washington (the man described by fellow soldier and Virginian Henry Lee as “first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen”) died at his Mount Vernon estate in Virginia, and Obama Supporters are still working to have “Obama Day” on January 20 declared a National Holiday so they can get another day off with pay.
MEANWHILE, the best way for all for Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama voters to show their true devotion to the Obamas during the Christmas Season would just be to buy another Obama Christmas ornament to decorate their crappy Christmas trees, like this “Happy Holidays from Barack and Michelle” for only $15.98 (plus God only knows how much for shipping and handling). Just think, it’ll be just like “1,133 More Days of Christmas” during Obama’s second term, and best of all, proceeds will benefit Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign.
CHRISTMAS IN THE CITY: Cincinnati’s Diminutive DemocRAT Eyebrow Arching Mayor John Cranley is really a jolly old elf this Christmas. This week he gave those Stupid Streetcar Supporters a whole week to guarantee $80 million to operate the Trolley Folly for 30 years if they wanted the plan to continue. At least it gave The Fishwrap something new to promote in their eternal Downtown Diversity campaign. But Cranley didn’t go far enough. He should’ve told those downtown doofuses they needed to come up about a billion dollars to cover cost overruns to construct their silly Jurassic Park Amusement Park ride, too. Maybe Eric Kearney could show them how to raise the money. Let the bake sales begin.
In a related item, The Blower wonders if the city was smart enough to write in Dough Boy’s farewell… that if he got a fat job in six months the city wouldn’t have to pay his next year’s salary!
- COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVES say it’s nice that some charity was picking up the FREE HIP & KNEE REPLACEMENTS for indigent patients last Saturday at Christ Hospital. If they had signed up for OBAMAMAMMA care, it would still be FREE to them after January 1. The indigents would all qualify for lots of FREE STUFF the rest of us working stiffs will fund. The non-profit hospitals have to dish out the money, in December, to start a clean slate in January.
MORE SOREHEADS IN THE SUBURBS: After the little stunt that Demanding DemocRAT Jim Neal and his band of merry deputies pulled at Colerain’s Town Hall meeting back in June, where they essentially demanded the trustees disband the police department and hire more sheriff deputies, the Republican trustees showed a rare moment of courage. Colerain disbanded the police department in the 1980s with disastrous results and crime skyrocketed and development halted.
While the kneepad liberals in news media had a great deal to say about this DemocRAT county elected official’s appearance, there was a total media blackout when our Disingenuous DemocRAT Hamilton County Auditor came to the meeting in November and apologized for the conduct of his own employee, Colerain Township resident and 4-party reject “Chatty Kathy” Mohr, who had been using her overtaxed payer-funded e-mail on over-taxed payer-funded time to conduct her own political vendetta against Colerain Township elected officials. Ms. Mohr was allegedly strongly disciplined, and Her Screechiness has been absent from the last two Colerain Township Trustee meetings. She hasn’t missed that many meetings since the five-month lame-duck portion of her term, when she was soundly defeated by a 20-something political novice.
Meanwhile at all of our Sheriff’s Patrol Sub-Stations, deputies will be watching the The Mickey Esposito Christmas in Prison Special Sunday on the Hallmark Channel.
- ANGRY ANDERSONIANS sure miss Duffy “the Kevin O’Brien Slayer” on the Anderson Park Board. He would never have approved such an egregious waste of over-taxed payers’ dollars as this one for a board member who barely served five years.
MORE PARTY PLANNING: For those of you planning to join Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and Outcast Attorney Chris Finney at Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Christmas Party at the Schmidt Run Estates at 771 Wards Corner Road, where the disgraced former U.S. Congresswoman plans to announce her return to politics, let’s all sing the seventh verse of “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by producers at “Saturday Night Live,” whose hilarious news parody made Ohio’s Second District Congresswoman a laughingstock all across this great nation when Rachel Dratch played “Mean Jean.” It goes something like this:
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, “Mean Jean” gave to me, Seven Wits a Wagging, Six Crooked Cronies, Five Libelous Liars, Four Screeching Tires, Three Borgman Cartoons, Two Red Dresses, And One Old Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.
Kind of warms the cockles of your heart, doesn’t it, Portman!
Our reader Patrick D. writes in saying: “I don’t know why Jean Schmidt wants to hold her Christmas party this year out in Clermont County. I really enjoyed the party last year at the Horseshoe Casino before it officially opened. The catering was paid for by the Turks and they didn’t spare any expense on the food and drinks.”
Now let’s all watch Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and The Blower Christmas Dancers show why they’re favorites at holiday parties all over the tri-state.
UNITED APPALL PEOPLE: Several times a week, alcoholic bartender Paul Puddler visits the John Gilligan Adult Diaper Replacement Clinic for People Who Can’t Stop Leaking, another one of the seemingly endless United Appall Agencies supposedly serving some of the area’s more unfortunate citizens, but mainly providing a paycheck to someone who couldn’t get a real job. Paul hopes the United Appall meets this week’s fundraising goal so he can continue to pick up his daily supply Depends. “I just want to be loved and dry,” says Paul. “Is there anything wrong with that?”
STILL IN A HOLIDAY MOOD, Adams County Historian Scott Seaman says “I love Christmas Lights, but they remind me of politicians! They all hang together, half the suckers don’t work, and the ones that do aren’t that bright.” Still, the Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau, located in East Jesus says those Amazing Amish Christmas Lights in the Wheat Ridge Community are really spectacular this year. If only Ohio Second District Congressman-Elect Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s office had given directions for the opening ceremonies last Saturday, all those people wouldn’t still be driving around every night looking for the lights.
FREEBEE STORE NOTICE
TO ALL THOSE WANTING TURKEYS FOR CHRISTMAS
YOU MUST SHOW THE COOKED WISHBONE
FROM YOUR FREE THANKSGIVING TURKEY
TO PROVE YOU ACTUALLY COOKED AND FED YOUR FAMILY
WITH YOUR LAST HAND-OUT!!
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher about his Conservative Christmas Wish List. “The Dark Ages of Obama are continuing unabated, but here’s all I want,” Kane explained. “Obama: Impeached! Borders: Closed! Language: English! Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights! Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare! No Freebies to Non-Citizens! Also, a Balanced Budget Amendment, Tax Reform, and Term Limits for Congress.”
“Is there anything else you’d like to add to your Wish List,” somebody asked. “Sure,” Kane said. “I wish we won’t get 17 more e-mail copies of that “Conservative Christmas Wish List” I just gave you.
Bluegrass Blessings
That’s why on Christmas every year Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo always goes to visit Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl at the Kenton County Escape Center and to share Christmas dinner with the less fortunate. The CamBoozler was so touched by his visit last year, he wrote this wonderful Christmas poem, sure to become a classic and be re-told by generations of inmates to come.
‘Twas Christmas in the Jail House, All the inmates gathered there Seated round the table Waiting for their fare.
Enters then the jailer, And softly to them calls, “What do you want for Christmas?” And the inmates answered “Balls!”
Then angry was the jailer, And he swore by all the gods, That he’d give no Christmas pudding To such ungrateful clods.
Then up rose an ancient inmate And in a voice as hard as brass Said, “Take your Christmas pudding And shove it up your ASS!”
Ken CamBoo says he can hardly wait for our Good Friend Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ annual Christmas Party at Forum in Covington on December 19, especially since The Whistleblower NoKY Legal Dream Team and the Cabal to Destroy “Crazy Eric Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) events are being combined.
One thing they’ll all be talking about to be sure is how “Crazy Eric” always manages to surface at press events so soon after tragedies occur, particularly if somebody actually sent The Blower some definitive proof about how he unethically solicits clients.
Another Holiday Party The CamBoozler never misses is the Annual World Orgasm for Peace Day Orgy at the Fort Mitchell County Club, co-sponsored by Uptight Bitches in Ft. Mitchell and the Northern Kentucky Cougars’ Association. That godless pagan event is on December 21, just in time for Druids to celebrate the Winter Solstice. Marvin the Mayan says it’s unfortunate the world didn’t does come to an end last December 21, because he’s still paying for all that stuff he charged on his Discover card.
Miss Vicki says some people keep asking her if her Big “O” Party at the Fort Mitchell Country Club is “for real,” since they’re not 100% certain World Orgasm for Peace Day, being celebrated on the eve of the Winter Solstice next Saturday is a real event.
And just to get everybody in the mood, Miss Vicki has a couple of videos for us this morning: “The Ever-Popular ‘When Harry Met Sally’ Fake Orgasm Scene” and one that should appeal to all Miss Vicki’s friends in Ft. Mitchell who fake their orgasms, the Funny Lovebites “Fake Orgasm” episode.
Finally, IS IT CHRISTMAS YET?
More Bluegrass Blasphemies
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says there are still many problems at the nativity scene in Northern Kentucky this Christmas. It’s not for any religious or constitutional reason, but organizers say they simply haven’t been able to find three wise men and a virgin in all of Northern Kentucky. There’s no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
In a related story, the CamBoozler just remembered this recipe for Christmas Cake. Let’s check out the ingredients: 1 cup of water, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 cup of sugar, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large eggs, 1 cup nuts, 1 bottle of imported Absolut Plummer Vodka, and 2 cups of dried fruit.
Now let’s sample the Plummer Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Plummer Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar … beat again. At this point, it’s best to make sure the Plummer Vodka is still okay. Try another cup … just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor … mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Plummer Vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who giveshz a shit. Check the Plummer Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through feakin’ the window, Finish the Plummer Vodka and kick the cat. CHERRY MISTMAS!
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
“Something Special” by James Jay Schifrin
Did you ever wonder why there were so many holiday special on TV? Sind July 4, there must have been 487 of them, and we still have ten more watch days until Christmas.
Some specials have been on more than all of the “Brady Bunch” and “Perry Mason” re-runs combined. Some specials even feature people who are still alive. One special this year showed Anne Murray’s family reunion in Nova Scotia. Have you ever met anybody who can even find Nova Scotia on a map?
There are animated specials like “The Roadrunner-Godzilla Christmas Special” in prime time. That’s for kids to watch. They have pretentious warm family specials like the “Sonny and Cher Christmas Special” Divorced couples should watch that. And the “Slim Whitman Christmas Special” will surely be followed by a year’s commercials for the “Slim Whitman Christmas Special” record album.
By now you probably think you’ve seen every possible Christmas special there is, which only proves you haven’t seen next week’s “TV Guide.” Imagine the “Elvis Presley Christmas Special,” with special guest stars Billie Jean King and Anita Bryant. On pay-TV, “The Prince Charles and Lady Diana Christmas Special” will feature Jackie O singing Christmas carols in front of a fireplace full of burning money. Orson Wells will host the “Weight Watchers Christmas Special.” And on “60 Minutes,” Mike Wallace will expose Santa Claus as a fake.
But these specials do serve one purpose. Bad as they are, you begin to year for the regular TV programming.
This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on December 16, 1981.
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