Friday, December 13, 2013
Happy Friday the 13th, Everybody!
And our Garrulous Grammarian says the first thing we need to do is to explain the difference between “Triskaidekaphobia” and “Paraskevidekatriaphobia”
Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number thirteen. It comes from “treiskaideka,” the Greek word for thirteen plus “phobia,” which means “fear of,” so Triskaidekaphobia would be “a fear of thirteen.”
Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the Fear of Friday the 13th. The word “paraskevidekatriaphobia” was devised by Dr. Donald Dossey, who told his psychiatric patients that “when you learn to pronounce it, you’re cured!”
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose this French Proverb: “A person is unlucky who falls on his back and breaks his nose.”
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
It’s RINO Speaker of the House John Boehner, who’s attracting primary opponents these days like flies on cow pies, for betraying Conservatives on granting Amnesty to future DemocRAT Voters and supporting that so-called bipartisan budget plan which Newt Gingrich called a “Bad Deal” and “Dishonest,” because “the budget deal has tax increases that can’t be called tax increases or no Republican could vote for them, so they are simply described in misleading language. Also because no Republican can vote for spending increases, there had to be offsetting out-year cuts. Of course, the immediate spending increases will be real and the out-year cuts will never happen.”
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in practicing Our Beloved Whistleblower Motto, is pleased to audition a guy who will no doubt have more free time for after he loses his Speakership, to be today’s guest editor and choose three items plus a quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors.
- “FAMOUS PRESIDENTIAL LIES” by Whistleblower Presidential Historian Dorian Grady
LBJ:
“We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin)”
Nixon:
“I am not a crook”
GHW Bush:
“Read my lips – No new taxes”
Clinton:
“I did not have sex with that woman… Miss Lewinsky”
GW Bush:
“Iraq has weapons of mass destruction”
Obama:
“I will have the most transparent administration in history.”
“The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.”
“I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.”
“The IRS is not targeting anyone.”
“It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.”
“If I had a son…”
“I will put an end to the type of politics that breeds division, conflict and cynicism.”
“You didn’t build that!”
“I will restore trust in Government.”
“The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.”
“The public will have five days to look at every bill that lands on my desk.”
“It’s not my red line – it is the world’s red line.”
“Whistleblowers will be protected in my administration.”
“We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.”
“I am not spying on American citizens.”
“ObamaCare will be good for America.”
“You can keep your family doctor.”
“Premiums will be lowered by $2,500.”
“If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.”
“It’s just like shopping at Amazon.”
“I knew nothing about ‘Fast and Furious’ gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.”
“I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.”
“I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi.”
“I have never seen or met my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.”
“And, I have never lived with that uncle. (He finally admitted today, (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.”
But the biggest lie of all: “I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America.”
- TOUGH SHIT, AMIGO!” by Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama And told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in The United States with your wife and eight children.”
The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”
The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and –PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”
The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here” — and — PING !–In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
“One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand.
“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans” —and — PING ! – The man was transformed – wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
“What happened to my new teeth?” He wailed. “Where is my new house?”
And the fairy said: “Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself.”
- “NANCY REAGAN REGARDING JOHN HINKLEY’S RELEASE” by Revered Former Congressman Bob McEwen
We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
When there was speculation Hinckley might soon be released as having been rehabilitated, Nancy Reagan sent this letter to John Hinkley.
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
To: John Hinckley
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country’s spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We’re confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado…You might want to look into that.
AND A QUICKIE
By Our Good Friend Bobby Leach
Last year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. This year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…..
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
Some of The Blower’s Top Internet Headlines This Week
THIS WEEK’S GLOBAL WARMING UPDATES: European Climate Expert “Obliged” To Warn Global Warming Will Cause Lethal “Extreme Weather”…Global Warming Fanatic James Hansen Claims Americans Have A “Constitutional Right To A Safe Climate”…Global Warming Alert: Australia Hit With Summer Blizzard…Fear Mongers: OMG! You Won’t Be Able To Go Skiing Soon Because of Global Warming!… Global Warming Alert: Antarctica Sets Record For Lowest Temperature Ever Recorded On Earth, -135.8 Degrees…Chicagoland Warming: Coldest Temperatures In 18 Years… Obama’s Global Warming Task Force Meets As Snowstorm Closes Down DC…Global Warming Fanatics Propose “Carbon Card,” Will Charge People With Large “Carbon Footprints”… - THIS WEEK SILLY SEBELIUS says Americans Must Ignore Obama’s Advice About Applying For ObamaCare Using Paper Applications… Millions Who Received Health Plan Cancellation Notices Are Now “Thrilled” With ObamaCare… ObamaCare Enrollment Hub “Has Worked Beautifully From Start To Finish”… We Have To “Hand-Match” More Than 30,000 ObamaCare Applications By End of Year Because of Faulty Data… “I Don’t Know” How Many Regulations ObamaCare Has Created… White House Enrollment Numbers Are Misleading (Admits You’re Not Officially Enrolled Until You Make A Payment)… HHS Told Contractors Not To Cooperate With Congressional Investigators Looking Into ObamaCare…And It’s “Correct” That ObamaCare Signups Are Three Million Short Of 2013 Goal…
- THIS WEEK’S LATEST POLLS: USA Today Poll: Plurality of Americans Oppose Obama’s Nuke Deal With Iran… New McClatchy Poll Finds Obama’s Disapproval Rating At All-Time High, 53%… Quinnipiac Poll Finds Obama’s Approval Rating Hitting New Low, 38%, Implodes Among Independents To Only 30%… Number of Americans Who Think Obama Is Not “Honest And Trustworthy” Hits Record High, 52%… Number of Americans Who Say Obama Has “Strong Leadership Qualities” Hits All-Time Low… Number of Americans Who Say Obama “Cares About Their Needs And Problems” Hits Record Low…NBC/WSJ Poll Finds Obama’s Disapproval Rating At All-Time High, 54%… Number of Americans Who Think ObamaCare Is “Working Well” A Microscopic 4%…AP Poll: 56% Say The Word “Honest” Does Not Describe Obama Well… 75% of Americans Think Christmas Should Be Celebrated In Public Schools…NBC Poll Finds Only 37% Think Obama Is “Honest And Straightforward”… Biden Gaining On Pant Suits Among Dem Voters, 44% Would Now Consider Supporting Him If He Ran In 2016…and Bloomberg Poll: Two-Thirds Say American Dream Is Over…
See a more complete list of this week’s Whistleblower Headlines in Sunday’s E-dition.
Stories We’re Working On
Obama lost “selfie” respect at Mandela Memorial- Ann Romney says, “It’s A Shame Presidential Election Was Last Year!”
- Conservatives Say Budget Betrayal is a Final Surrender
- Supporters holding bake sale to fund streetcar
- Fishwrap reports William Mallory up and around after three days
- No openings on CVG Board
- Looking for a witch to see how cold it was last night
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said you would know Jesus was Jewish:
(A) He was 30, unmarried, and still living at home: 2%
(B) He went into his father’s business: 2%
(C) He thought his mother was a virgin: 2%
(D) His mother thought he was God: 94%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
More Conservative Political Posters
Gays in a Sleigh
This week, everybody who thought there might be some really unfortunate unforeseen consequences after Obama signed legislation to repeal that homophobic “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” legislation, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Phil Burr-ass, whose Gay Porn Collection is the envy of perverts everywhere.
Phil wins an “Elves Make Better Lovers” bumper sticker, a DVD of Phil’s favorite gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain,” and a chance to check out the updated client list at David A. Pepper’s Fake Floozies Dating Club, to see which elected officials might be using their services these days when they need to be seen in public with a woman. His winning limerick is:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Or if he goes either way?
Is that a chimney he’s down?
Then how come it’s brown?
Our old gods do have feet of clay.
Dishonorable Mentions
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he try to tell us he was born that way?
“When I slide down the chimney,
I whip out my Grand Prix,
And it’s just like a roll in the hay!”
What if Santa turned out to be gay
To other men he would look for a lay
He would never go straight
For only men he would date
No matter what others would say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay
He would probably live on San Franciso Bay
He would prance in his thongs
And dream of men’s dongs
And gay rights would be more than okay!
From Friends of Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
What if Santa turned out to be gay?”
And he wanted his lover to play;
He would take his sack,
Off of his back,
So it wouldn’t be in the way.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Could he keep all his boyfriends at bay?
‘Cuz if Mrs. Claus did discover,
Dudes were after her lover,
She’d shove all those new toys up his ‘A.’
What if Santa turned out to be gay;
With a rainbow taped onto his sleigh?
Since he likes young ages
The “elves” would be “pages”
With Dateline NBC not too far away!
From Gay Elected Officials
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And all of his elves, the same way?
They’d be packing fudge, and not presents
And making love to the peasants
(Us homophobes better watch what we say!!)
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And invited guys into his sleigh?
Jolly Old Saint Nick,
Would be sticking his wick,
In places we’d rather not say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
He’d be out of the priesthood, so they say.
Since he’s all dressed in fur,
With a strong scent of myrrh,
Perhaps we should all check his dossier.
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
With his boyfiend in back of the sleigh?
Would you still want his toys
If you knew he liked boys,
Or would you tell him to go flit away?
From Devou Park
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
And Mrs. Claus was his best friend, Ray?
The white-haired old coot
Would have a sore poop chute
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, hey?
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And gave a little boy a ride in his sleigh
And you caught him on the roof
With his pants down to his hoof,
Would the police come and take him away?
But things are different today
We know there’s nothing wrong with being gay
Men can be attracted to boys
And still walk around with poise
Barney Frank always lisped it was OK.
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this same-sex scenario:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that way).
Look at Sesame Street’s Elmo
His ventriloquist’s a homo
And for years, that was perfectly OK.
There’s Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis,
And all the wonderful things they give us.
Why, they have gay day parades
(But a lot of them have AIDS),
I think they are all thimply marvelous.
But they better stay away from little boys
They’re our kids, not some pedophile’s toys
If we catch them abusing
Some force we’ll be using
And then they will run out of poise.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The most fun this holiday season”
HOLIDAY DECORATIONS HOT LINE
e-mail your digital delights today.
Some Christmas-spirit-filled items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Christmas-spirit-filled items subscribers.
Whistleblower Link of the Day
Coffeecare
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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