Saturday, November 30, 2013
Time Out From Shopping
How do we know the holiday season has officially begun? Union goons who weren’t already shopping on Thanksgiving Day were bused in to stores on Friday to protest against employees working on the holiday and get an early start on the season’s shopping chaos. Others wanted to be a first-in-line shopper on the TV news. The Blower remembers last year when competitive shopping turned into chaos as a Wal-Mart worker was trampled to death in the stampede and a woman miscarried, a woman pepper sprayed other Black-and-Blue Friday shoppers “to gain an upper hand” and mayhem ensued over a $2 waffle maker, a grandmother was shot while cooking Thanksgiving dinner, “A Christmas Story” had already been shown twice on TV, but Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s neighbors whose house is no longer scheduled to be sold at a sheriff’s sale had still not put out their flashing humping reindeer display in their front yard. Isn’t this more like what Thanksgiving Day was meant to be?
Once again, Obama’s Thanksgiving message avoided any direct reference to thanking God, making this the fifth straight year in which the President of the United States has ignored the central message of the holiday in favor of political grandstanding, but what else could you expect from the guy who reduced Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address by two words, “under God” when he recited it for a TV special.
Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says only 9% said they had finished their holiday shopping before Black Friday, and this year thrift and consignment shops were helping people be thankful during Obama’s Recession by copying other retailers with gift certificates, elaborate window displays, and early-morning specials. For the first time, some Salvation Army and St. Vincent DePaul resale shops opened at 6 a.m., touting 75%-off early-bird specials on the traditional kickoff of holiday shopping.- Actually, the parking lot at the Kroger’s store at the Anderson Food Court has been packed ever since its big grand opening seven years ago and the remodeling in 2008. But that’s only because thousands of shoppers are still wandering around inside the store overwhelmed and bewildered, aimlessly trying to find a quart of milk.
Hurley the Historian says according to media mythology, Black Friday (the Day After Thanksgiving) is NOT a racial holiday. It’s actually one of the busiest shopping days of the year and the beginning of the period where retailers would no longer have losses (in the red) and instead start taking in the year’s profits (in the black).- But why do retail store owners really call the day after Thanksgiving “Black Friday?” WLW Hate Radio Racist in Residence Bill Cunningham says it’s because it’s the biggest shoplifting day of the year and Obama Supporters are proud of their bumper stickers that say “I’d rather be stealing.”
- Early Bird Shopper Tino Delgato says Kneepad Liberals in the Press wanted today to be called Rainbow Friday. The idea was proposed by one of the great turkeys of all time “Reverend” Jesse Jackson.
- Our Quote for Today Committee chose Adrienne Gusoff’s “Shopping is better than sex. If you’re not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like.” No wonder Patty Brisbane’s Dildo World is having an after-Thanksgiving Sale on Erotic Turkey Basters.
In the third of a series of appearances to spread the word about his Personal Economic Recovery Plan, Some Goofy Guy in a Santa Hat showed up again at the corner of Springdale and Colerain Avenue Friday afternoon to wave at passing cars and encourage shoppers to buy goods made in the USA.
Meanwhile, Thursday’s Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade in Anderson was a lot smaller than it was last year. Anderson Trustee Elect Gerth Pappas says that’s because Whacky Jacky O’Brien’s disgraced and defeated illegitimate son Kevin and the 1,093 other people who actually voted for him would be boycotting the event, according to Bonnie Dunkleman, President of the Anderson-Newtown DemocRAT Club and Neighborhood 2012 Team Leader of Obama for America. And although Forest Hills Kroger employees don’t usually wear hair nets, some actually dress up like this.- And if you thought your turkey was stuffed, The Fishwrap more than pleasingly plump this year, with five pounds of Black Friday savings, including a 106-page book from Macy’s and 72 pages from J.C. Penny.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says it didn’t matter if the Bungals were not playing here in Thursday’s nationally televised games, because most Ohio State Fans were waiting for today’s big game against Michigan where the Buckeyes are looking to keep their two-year winning streak alive on their way to the national championship game, or at the very least, a Big Ten Championship and the Rose Bowl. Now let’s watch Ohio Governor John Kasich’s Trash Talk for “That School Up North.”- Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters says he isn’t worried about the Hamilton County Board of Elections asking about his “residency” when he voted in the 2012 Elections. Deters’ predecessor Mike Allen has offered to represent him, just for old time’s sake. Belligerent Black Blogger Nate “Rhymes With Hate” Livingston has some other helpful ideas.
- In Moscow, Ohio, Tom Dix says 362 years ago, the Pilgrims celebrated Thanksgiving with the Wampanoag Indians. During the feast, the Pilgrims told the Wampanoags that if you like this land you can keep this land. Little did the Indians realize that this was the beginning of a failed immigration policy. Now we know that the pilgrims were, in fact, just lying politicians like we have today.
The big difference this year is Obama’s Orwellian Thanksgiving Program to get supporters to sell ObamaCare during Thanksgiving Dinner. The idea that politics must be brought into every family discussion and every personal relationship has been a hallmark of Obama’s style since the 2008 campaign, when he told his supporters to confront their neighbors and get “in their faces.”- Jay Leno says in 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.
- The Fishwrap breathlessly reported Cincinnati’s Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor-elect John Cranley’s Choice for City Mangler— Willie Carden, Jr. “has respect of … everyone in the city” for making the Cincinnati Parks run on time. Critics complain Willie doesn’t even live in the City. Can you blame him?
- And when that cockamamie group calling itself “One Percent for Liberty” announced both COAST Co-founder “TaxKillerTom” Brinkman and Litigious Lawyer for COAST Chris Finney had been nominated for this year’s “2013 Defender Of Liberty Award,” and that those prestigious awards would be presented at the COAST Christmas Party, did anybody but The Blower wonder what kind of scam was going on?
And speaking of Finney, everybody’s wondering the real reason our Family Friendly Fascist is looking for office space. Business Crapper Reporter Barrett J. Brunsman says Finney’s seeking tax breaks for himself and possibly other attorneys before he opens a law office in Clermont County.
- Survivors of the Anderson High School Class of 1956 were thankful they made it through Thanksgiving, and will be checking the on-line coupons for Red Lobster before their next meeting on December 5. Speaking of Over Eating on Thanksgiving, let’s all try to remember what happened when “Mr. Creosote Blew Himself Up.”
- And now that everyone is done stuffing himself, PFC Kadon (who just finished latrine duty) reminds us that many of those Veterans we prayed for while eyeing the gravy boat, are falling through the cracks of the job training and educational programs set up by the VA, you can sign on as a citizen co-sponsor for H.R. 1305, the Bill his old friend from St. Mary School, “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup wrote to expand access to these programs here. Mrs. PFC who outranks him says she’s hoping he’ll use this program to learn how to pick up his socks!
At Thursday’s Meeting of the Conservative Agenda, everybody was sitting around listening to the traditional telling of the Legend of Squanto and there was so much good food to eat, by the time you were done, you felt like a python who’d just swallowed a goat.- Political Insiders enjoying the Thanksgiving Feast couldn’t stop asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the special Thanksgiving e-mails he’d received from all those really sincere politicians.
- Down at Hamilton County RINO Party Headquarters, Alex T., Mall COP GOP said Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday because he was “thankful for a wonderful family and so many friends and supporters who worked tirelessly this past election season.” Amazingly, that was the exact same sentence he used two years ago in his Thanksgiving Day e-mail, before last year’s debacle. No kidding!
So while our Ohio winner of The Blower’s 2013 Whistleblower Turkey of the Year Contest sponsored by Dummy’s Restaurants was getting served by one of Alex T.’s many Republican candidates who’ve gotten slaughtered on Election night over the years, it was only fitting and proper that “Old Blue Face” had won the Whistleblower Turkey of the Year Contest for the sixth year in a row.- The local RINO Party got exactly what it deserved again on Election Day in 2013. In 2008, our prediction came true and Hamilton County turned 40 shades of “Blue.” In 2009 and 2010 those bozos were still wandering in the wilderness, in 2011, their humiliation was nearly complete, but in 2012 their disgrace became absolute and in 2013 Alex T., Mall Cop GOP didn’t even bother to run a Cincinnati mayoral candidate or full slate of candidates in the Cincinnati Clown-cil Race.
This year at the Sittenfeld household, they were thankful for Alex Triantafillou, for that time the Chairman of the Board of Elections didn’t do a damn thing to stop Trolley Folly Flip Flopper PG Sitt-n-Spin from circulating a second set of candidate petitions…and for the time he stabbed Conservatives in the back when he arranged to appoint PG’s dad to the library board instead of “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman.
Do you suppose if Alex hadn’t done those two things, we’d have a dead streetcar project and lower property taxes? You know, those little things Republicans campaign on!
- And Political Insiders at Friday’s Conservative Agenda wondered how much more ridicule the carcass of the once great Hamilton County Republican Party would have to endure before someone dared whisper that it indeed might be time for a change of leadership.
Maybe that’s why Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception suggested this new Thanksgiving Day tradition for our Pitiful Party Boss.
- Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred like $tan Che$ley, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters didn’t have much to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day either.
Not only was the Northern Kentucky repeat winner of The Blower’s 2012 Whistleblower Turkey of the Year Contest sponsored by Dummy’s Restaurants but that Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Out to Destroy “Crazy Eric” is still mocking the loudmouth lawyer for abandoning his libel lawsuit against The Blower, because on October 27, 2011, after nearly fourteen months of intense litigation, “Crazy Eric” Deters finally dismissed his lawsuit with prejudice and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane is now shown preparing the brine for our Northern Kentucky Turkey of the Year.
One of the Northern Kentucky runners-up was Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson, who had planned to pass out copies of his official Whistleblower Turkey Nomination Illustration at his annual Graydon Head “Hannukah Party” on December 5 at the Fort Mitchell Country Club, but now we’re not so sure who’ll be making Jews Feel Welcome in Northern Kentucky this year, since Rick is no longer with that prestigious law firm.
Until then, we have a new video today where you can see Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane reminding everybody not to forget “The Whistleblower Motto” during Obama’s holiday season. [WATCH IT HERE]
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
“Fit to be Tied” by James Jay Schifrin
Last Monday in Patronage County, I went to the courthouse to bribe a commissioner.
The receptionist stopped doing her nails. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”
On Tuesday, the receptionist cut short a personal phone call. “I’m sorry,” she smiled. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”
Wednesday, I interrupted her morning nap. “I’m sorry,” she yawned. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”
The same thing happened Thursday. The only difference was that she had to put down her “Playgirl” magazine to tell me Commissioners Pilfer and Filch were away, and Commissioner Swindle would be tied up all day.
By Friday, I’d had enough. “No excuses today!” I demanded, even before she could put down her coffee cup.”I understand Commissioner Pilfer is still on vacation and Commissioner Filch is out of town. But I won’t believe you when you tell me Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”
“I’m sorry sir, but it’s all true,” she said. “Whenever Commissioners Pilfer and Filch are out of the office, they always tie up Commissioner Swindle before they leave.”
This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on November 26, 1980.
More Conservative Political Cartoons
TURKEY LEFTOVERS HOT LINE
e-mail your grandma’s favorite recipes today
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LINK OF THE DAY
Sarah Palin Explains The Turkey Interview
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Thanksgiving
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