Thursday, October 17, 2013
Apocalypse Not!
All day Wednesday, Obama Supporters in the Press were predicting the End of the World if Congressional Republicans wouldn’t completely capitulate to Obama before midnight’s Dreaded Debt Deadline. Would it be John Boehner’s Articles of Surrender from the House or Bitch McConnell’s Articles of Surrender from the Surrender Caucus in the Senate? It didn’t really matter, since Wednesday morning, Wall Street was going wild after Senate leaders reportedly reached a tentative deal to end the partial government shutdown and raise the debt ceiling ahead of Thursday’s deadline. Investors were certainly not selling the crisis short, because the Dow was up 241 points at noon on Wednesday, then it ebbed down gradually and then went back up to 205.82 as the afternoon wore on and the euphoria wore off. Meanwhile, all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Followers in All Fifty-Seven States didn’t realize anything important had actually happened.
But what if Armageddon hadn’t been averted and the Earth had actually stopped spinning on its axis, continents toppled over one another, mountains flew into space, and the Earth, shriveled to a cinder, crashed into the sun just as The Blower predicted? This wasn’t like the “Sequester Scare” or the Shutdown Scare.” This Scare was serious. And knowing the End was near, The Blower knew some of our favorite people wouldn’t have just been sitting around waiting for it. They’d be checking their End-of-the-World Bucket Lists to see how they should be spending their final hours.
Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus would be glad he wouldn’t have to cover the next 1,191 days of the Dark Ages of America’s Dark Ages during Obama’s Second Term will be worse (unless he’s impeached). Obama would’ve been worried he’d be the first modern president to drive the country over the Debt Limit. Disingenuous DemocRAT Senate Leader Harry Reid would’ve been complaining he hadn’t found a way to intimidate Wussie Republicans one last time. Republican Minority Leader Bitch McConnell wouldn’t have to find a new way for Republicans to be outplayed in yet another losing showdown with the president. And Serial Loser John Boehner wouldn’t be worried about his job as Speaker of the House just because of still another cave in.
Meanwhile, during their last hours on Earth, Obama’s Clueless Secretary of State John Kerry would’ve continued to be ignored by world leaders, Obama’s White House Spokes Dweeb Jay Cardboard would’ve told Fox News’ Ed Henry to shut the fuck up. Obama’s HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius would’ve had everything to live for after learning Obama still had full confidence in her following her three-year $648 Million ObamaCare Rollout Debacle. And Hillary would’ve enjoyed finally watching her philandering husband Bill Clinton be castrated on national TV.
Congressman/Podiatrist Brad Wenstrup would’ve enjoyed the day not having to think looking about all those smelly feet anymore. Congressman Steve Chabothead would’ve taken the day off from working on his comb-over hairstyle. Congressman Tom Massie could’ve told all those Liberal reporters to go to hell. “Mean Jean” Schmidt would’ve skipped her press conference to announce her return to politics in next year’s primary. Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders could’ve said, Goodbye, Columbus.” And Governor Kasich-Taylor would’ve been planning to savor his upcoming KasichCare Victory next Monday, in case Thursday was not the End of the World.
Whistleblower Gossip Columnist Linda Libel would’ve called up people like Jeff Ruby whom she’d exposed over the years to reveal her true identity. Our Good Friend Bobby Leach would’ve hoped people would recognize him on the street from having his name in The Whistleblower at least three times a week. And Bucky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves would be working on one last rhyme, one final time to commemorate the End of the World.
In Local Politics, Tim Burka would be buying lunch (and then eating it) for Alex T., Mall Cop GOP to celebrate all that “Old Blueface” had done for the Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party ever since Alex T. had become Hamilton County RINO Party Boss.
In Clermont County, Joe “Mr. Know-it-All” Braun says he would be reliving his fantasies about which older woman had taught him the ways of love–“Mean Jean” Schmidt or Dildo World’s Patty Brisben, and State Rep-tile John Becker would be checking to see if any of that crap he sent The Blower would be published in our End of the World E-dition.
At Cincinnati City Hall, Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory could finally have sex with a woman. Foxy Roxy Qualls could have sex with a man. And John Cranley could just have sex. Former News Trollop Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin’ could confess how she got her Official Whistleblower Nickname. The Windbag could remember that time on I-275 he got blown all over the road. And SMLP Smithermouth could come out of the closet as a White Republican.
Standing outside City Hall (and still looking in) Loony Libertarian Jim Berns could give away real Marijuana plants. Queen Noble could tell all the white people to “kiss my motherfucking black ass.” And Whistleblower Alternate Life-Style Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis could try to arrange a three-way with Council-gay Chris Squealback. On a nearby soapbox, Litigious Lawyer from COAST Chris Finney would be holding a press conference to announce one last lawsuit to file, and COAST Co-founder “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman would be taking all that money he got from suing the City to blow at the Casino.
Meanwhile, CH Snitch at 1000 Main Street reports Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters says he waited till his Last Day on Earth to tell $tan Che$ley what he really thought of him. Republican Judge P-P-P-Patrick DeWhine would spend his time checking out Fat Black Floozies on Facebook. Ditzy DemocRAT Judge Traci Hunter would check out copy what Queen Noble has been saying. Wild-and-Crazy Judge Steve Martin could set a $10 million bail for a shoplifter. Sheriff Jim Neil would be trying to find another one of Si Leis cronies to indict or some more homeless persons to evict from the courthouse steps. And our DemocRAT Auditor would be wiping the egg off his face long enough for one more drive-by appraisal.
Kathy Harrell would never have to pay treble damages on that $12,000 loan Judge Richard Niehaus ordered the FOP President to replay during her civil trial when the Judge basically wrote that Harrell had perjured herself, was a liar, and a thief, and Kathy’s attorney, Disgraced Former Hamilton County Prosecutor Mike Allen would not have to read what The Blower might have to say about him in our next installment.
Moral Majority President PHIL BUR-ASS would be watching dirty movies on the Pay-per-View Porn Channel since he wouldn’t have to pay a bill that would never come.
Down at The Fishwrap, Metro Mole Skaggie Maggie would be sending out pink-slip e-mails just for fun, Wedgie Washburn would be working on an End-of-the-World advertising supplement, somebody would be batting out an idotorial trying to make the case that things never would’ve turned out this way if only there’d been a little more “Diversity,” and Reporter Perry KimBall would be leaving obscene messages on all those answering machines he called for comment and the party wouldn’t take his call.
In Anderson, “In Russ We Trust” Jackson would be polishing up his brief opening remarks for Thursday’s Township Trustees Meeting. Duffy “The Kevin Slayer” Beischel says Forest Hills Urinal Editor Eric Spangler and League of Women Viper Lisa Wakeland would still be covering up for Disgraced Trustee Kevin O’Brien. And with their dying breath, both Republican Endorsed Trustee Candidates Andy Pappas and Josh Gerth would restate their Whistleblower Pledges Not to Masturbate in Your Car. Meanwhile, Revered Former Congressman Bob McEwen would be driving around, just so he could spend his last day in traffic on Beechmont Avenue.
Draft Dodger Bill Cunningham would be making reservations for the FREE Veterans Day Dinner in Anderson. E-Norma Rashid would be sitting at home all day waiting for Charlie to call. Trish the Dish would spend time looking at her scrap book reminiscing about her trip to Bosnia. Belligerent Black Blogger Nate “Rhymes with Hate” Livingston would call the End of the World just another racist conspiracy.
Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall (if you could ever find him on the radio) would be saying Dusty Baker was home watching the Cardinals in the Playoffs on TV. Come to think of it so would Senor Bob Castelllini. In Florida, Frank Weikel would be booking a direct flight from Punta Gorda to Cincinnati on Allegiant Air.
In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says the one guy absolutely jumping up and down in celebration all day long yesterday was Matt Bevin, planning to beat Bitch McConnell like a rented mule after his latest surrender to Obama. Also, Jerry Springer would be making one last trip to Northern Kentucky. Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders would be looking for some really ugly pictures of all those hookers, scumbags, druggies, thieves, and punks for the Final Edition of This Week In Kenton Circuit Court. Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl promised to turn everybody loose at 12:01 AM Thursday morning. Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson would be hoping his tell-all book about “BeanBall Jim” Bunning would at least hit #100,000 on Amazon.com. Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith said it was just another excuse to have a drink. Miss Vicki would forget about having another Halloween Party this year. And that Cabal Of NoKY Attorneys Still Out To Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters Including Lovely Lisa Wells (The Attorney Who Replaced Crazy Eric On WLW Hate Radio) predicted the End of the World won’t be so bad for “Crazy Eric,” because when he dies, 73 slutty Bungal Cheerleaders will be waiting for him in Paradise.
Meanwhile, Hurley the Historian said he didn’t care what happened in History on October 17, and Our Quote for Today Committee chose Roger Zelazny’s “Don’t wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects.” And at Yesterday’s Meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane what he liked best about the End-of-the-World. “That’s easy,” Kane explained. “That means we won’t need to send tomorrow’s edition to Whistleblower Legal Dream Team Chairman Scott Greenwood to run it through his trusty libel checker before we send it out, because after Armageddon, there’s no way “Crazy Eric” or anybody else could possibly sue us.
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