Saturday, September 21, 2013
Happy Autumnal Equinox, Everybody
Whistleblower Weather-guesser Delkus Apuozzo says as of 4:44 PM EDT this afternoon, the 2013 Summer of our Discontent will be officially concluded and hopefully, the Fall of the Obama Administration will have formally begun. Despite talk of impeachment, there are still 1,217 more days left of the Dark Ages of the Obama Administration, not that all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters would ever know the difference.
Oktoberfest Top Ten List
Today it’s sleazy Jerry Springer’s top ten sure-fire Oktoberfest pickup lines:
10. So what grade are you in, Honey?
9. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Della Sutorious?
8. Did you vote for me on “Dancing with the Stars?”
7. Mind if I share your Port-o-let?
6. Care for a bite of my bratwurst?
5. Hey, Fraulein, nice kraut!
4. I’m not wearing anything under my lederhosen.
3. My overnight ratings are terrific.
2. If you think my nose is big…
And Jerry Springer’s number one Oktoberfest pickup line is…Are you really sure you won’t take a check?
Oktoberfest Observations
- While everybody’s waiting for our Girly Mayor Mark Mallory to bite the first wiener, the Downtown Clown-cil says, if couples don’t observe the “No Sex” signs behind the Post Office at Oktoberfest this year and only have sex in the designated areas, next year’s event will be alcohol-free.
- Actually, TV 12’s news poll showed 30% of viewers with nothing better to do, thought next year’s Oktoberfest should be alcohol-free. Hello out there, people! It’s a beer fest. And just think, these clueless 30% are able to vote in real elections. Remember when Benjamin Franklin said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy?”
- Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says watching what’s going on in Washington these days is enough to drive anybody to drink.
Speaking of Oktoberfest, Teutonic Teaser Martin Sonneborn is well-known for jokes bordering on the tasteless. But a satirical “Ick bin ein Obama” billboard of him posing in blackface makeup as US President Barack Obama is sparking outrage in Germany, at least among those liberal krauts in the press.- Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1780, Benedict Arnold committed treason and today, Obama and his Disingenuous DemocRATS are calling House Republicans who voted to defund ObamaCare traitors, too. It seems Boehner finally listened to his constituents. Maybe that’s why Our Special Ed teacher who knows a lot about behavior modification says we should give Boehner a pat on the back. We can always kick him in the ass later.
That’s why Our Quote for Today Committee chose Lisa Shearin’s “It’s not treason if you win.”- Whistleblower Alternative Lifestyle Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis asked us to remind everybody that Fourth Tier Celebrity Gay Star Wars Character George Takei as Grand Marshall will make Oktoberfest Zinzinnati 2013 the gayest Oktoberfest yet. Richard Simmons probably wasn’t available. Now everybody’s waiting to see Senator Rob “My Son is Gay” Portman and Deceased Gay Stargazer Jack Horkheimer Wannabe Dean Regas from the Cincinnati Observatory will also be joining Mr. Sulu in the “Choke My Chicken” Dance. Oh, myyy!
- Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says watching “Boobs and Polkas” always gets him in the mood for Oktoberfest.
Republicans for Higher Taxes declares it’s time for Qualls supporters to quit whining and start working towards winning the November election. As motivation, they republished a funny piece from a Cranley supporter taunting Qualls after her disastrous wipeout last week.- Loony Libertarian Losing Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns says there’s not a dime’s worth of difference between Disguised DemocRAT John Cranley and Extremely Liberal DemocRAT Foxy Roxy Qualls, but The Blower says we wouldn’t give you two cents for either one of them.
- Queen Noble says, “They’s all motherfucking bitches, every motherfucking one of them.”
- Overheard at the FOP: City Mangler Dough Boy Honey’s choice for Cincinnati’s new police chief could’ve been worse. Instead of Jeffrey Blackwell, he could’ve picked Rosa Blackwell.
In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says everybody is waiting for Governor Kasich Taylor to designate October as German Heritage Month in Ohio. WTF’s all that about? Oktoberfest is always celebrated in September. September 15-October 15 is already Hispanic Heritage Month. And Hitler’s Birthday is always on April 20.- Duffy “The Kevin Slayer” Beischel says Real Republicans were surprised to see Lisa Wakeland speaking at Wednesday’s League of Women Vipers forum, especially when the Forest Hills Urinal Reporter identified herself as a member of that Radical Left Wing group. So much for Lisa’s so-called fair-and-balanced reporting! Candy Crowley would be so proud.
- And did you see where Disgraced Trustee Kevin O’Brien admitted at the forum he’d been advised by the township’s legal counsel not to state his personal views on the controversial Martian Marietta Mine, then proceeded to claim the dynamite to be used in Anderson Township would equal the explosive power of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima?
- Kevin’s FHU Enabler Lisa also forgot to ask if Kevin is now planning to visit Sweden, since Public Masturbation there is now legal. But Anderson’s own Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney says Kevin has already proved in court it was still OK for him to masturbate in public in Anderson Township, so long as there was only one witness, even if she was a Wellborn woman who gave him a ride home and didn’t want him to masturbate, especially all over the front seat of her new car.
In Clermont County, Republican State Rep-tile John Becker said he’d buy us a beer at Oktoberfest if we mention he’d introduced legislation to block unsolicited absentee ballot applications (HB 266), said he didn’t object to the fact that welfare offices help register voters, but he questioned how far the state should go in trying to further ease the elections process. “Rather than babysitting people and spoon-feeding them, if they’re responsible enough to vote, then they’re responsible enough to figure out how to register and how to change their address,” he said. “And if they don’t know or they don’t care, maybe they shouldn’t be voting to begin with.”- With a similar offer in Anderson, Conservative Author Tom Hagedorn is having a book signing party next Tuesday to celebrate the release of “Founding Zealots.” Tom says, “Unfortunately, I’ll have no shrimp on Tuesday, but the food is from Funky’s Catering and the beer and wine will be cold and free (please don’t tell Anderson CFO Ken “Just One More Budweiser, Please” Dietz!).
In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says yesterday’s Limerick Contest Winner Floyd Schnitzelflogger from Florence, KY, likes Oktoberfest on Mainstrasse in Covington better, because at the one in Downtown Cincinnati this weekend, not as many girls will show you their breasts.- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane why they celebrate “Oktoberfest” in September, and our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher said, “The only trouble with German food is, an hour later you’re hungry for power.”
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
FLOYD SCHNITZELFLOGGER’S OKTOBERFEST HOT LINE
E-mail your oom pah pahs today.
Some German-American items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally German-American subscribers, but let’s face it, Schatzie, we could always use a lot more.
OKTOBERFEST LINKS OF THE DAY
Hitler’s Oktoberfest Downfall
PLUS
Top 10 Facts About Oktoberfest
Beer starts flowing at the Real Oktoberfest
Fritz the Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati Top Dog Chicken Dancer
Weiner dogs in Cincinnati go for the gold
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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