Friday, May 31, 2013
Top Ten List
Today it’s the Top Ten Reasons Foxy Roxy Qualls should be the next mayor of Cincinnati:
10. Used over-taxed payers’ money to pay for a losing lawsuit against firearms manufacturers
9. Cost over-taxpayers an additional $400,000 for the Mayoral Primary,
8. Supports Girly Mayor Mark Mallory’s Trolley Folly boondoggle
7. Voted for leasing the parking meters for 30 years in an attempt to cover up the mismanagement of the city’s budget
6. Repeatedly and excessively supports “emergency” ordinances to try to keep citizens from challenging those ordinances by referendum
5. Didn’t protect your interests when the EPA lawsuit caused your sewer rates to go up
4. Thinks confiscating your tax money and transferring it to her DemocRAT supporters is OK
3. Voted to let only union companies bid city work, depriving many minority and women owned business an opportunity to even bid on the projects
2. Lusts in her heart to raise the Cincinnati Income Tax, especially on Soreheads in Suburbs who can’t vote
And the number one reason Foxy Roxy Qualls should not be Cincinnati’s next Mayor is…All those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Free-Stuff Grabbing Obama Supporters in Cincinnati think she’s doing a wonderful job.
MEANWHILE, Loony Libertarian Jim Berns, who’s running the most outrageous mayoral campaign in Cincinnati history, says legalizing marijuana has become an amazingly popular issue. Loony was not planning on making Re-Legalizing Marijuana a centerpiece of his campaign, but every time he mentions it, people really like it. Tuesday while waving at traffic at the intersection of North Bend Road and Colerain Avenue in Mount Airy, potheads even stopped and asked to have their pictures taken with him and his sign. Wait till next week when he starts giving away free marijuana plants.- ZOO POO: Whistleblower Zoological Reporter Thane Tadwell says animal excrement is now on sale to raise money for the Cincinnati Zoo. The Zoo wants a renewal of its levy on the November Ballot. Critics say it’s just another case of an “attraction” that can’t pay its own way like the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center. Maybe they should ship those animals back to Africa, South America, and all other zoos and blacktop that area for additional parking at Children’s Hospital.
At the same time, John “No Left Turns in Goshen” Joseph says Zoo Poo turns out to be a good fund-raiser, they should consider marketing all the bullcrap generated down on Plum Street. They could pay for the streetcar in no time.
- SUBURBAN SENIORS: Our Compassionate Conservative saw a really funny sight in Mariemont yesterday: an really old geezer on a senior scooter rolling down the sidewalk, at 1 MPH, wearing a safety helmet. Is this a new Mariemont Olympic regulation, Helmets for Scooters?
OVER-PAID AND OVERFED: Republicans for Higher Taxes discuss the latest incident of union graft. Fellow board members allege, with photographic evidence, that the 5’7″ 400-pound Mark Rosenthal is only in the office two hours per day, and spends all of that time eating and sleeping. For that, he pulls down a hefty $156,000/year plus all he can eat at Golden Corral on Sundays.- INTOLERANT NEIGHBOR REPORT: What partner at one of Cincinnati larger law firms who works in the Health & Life Sciences group, has had the Hamilton County Sheriff Deputies visiting the family residence for the second time in a year? Could this partner have a spouse who is being intolerant and spiteful to the other neighbors?
Last year the partner’s spouse got into a personal battle with another neighbor about a remodeling project the neighbor, who is a contractor, performed for them several years prior. Seems a problem occurred that was out of warranty and the contractor neighbor felt it was not due to faulty work and refused to fix it. So what did this spouse of the law firm partner do instead of taking that contractor neighbor to court? The law firm partner’s spouse is believed to have created email addresses that appeared to come from the contractor neighbor and his elementary school-age son and blasted out pro-Obama e-mails to the neighborhood using those faked e-mail addresses.
- CHEATER ALERT: Tuesday morning, Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters announced indictments of the first five really “stupid cheaters,” who were caught by the Horseshoe Casino cameras. Adulterers and adulteresses breathed sighs of relief when they learned their cheating was not being watched.
Meanwhile, Our Good Friend Bobby Leach got an e-mail from Ashley at the “Married But Lonely” Web Page, which Bobby claims must have been for some other horny old guy. It’s like Facebook for Floozies.
SODOMY MERIT BADGES: Alternative Life-Style Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis say any organization where they wear ascots, knickers, epaulets, ornamental badges, and knee socks should have allowed gay members, a long time ago. Who do you think designed those Boy Scout outfits? Certainly not some straight guy.
Tuesday morning, our favorite defense attorney James “The Rock” Bogen was defending one of his pervert clients in front of Judge Ghizzy Lizzy. Memo to the Rock: Always wash your hands after shaking hands with your pervert clients.
Angry Andrew at the Anderson TEA Party says he wonders what would happen if you sent a registered letter to the “Rogues at the IRS.” It might be interesting to see who signs for it.
- SPEAKING OF THE IRS: Whistleblower Rogue IRS Snitch Ferrell Katz says according to IRS Form 990, the President/CEO of the Cincinnati USA Convention & Visitors Bureau, Dan Lincoln, had a total compensation (base pay, bonuses, retirement, etc.) of $324,553 in 2011. This organization is funded by Hamilton County Hotel Tax money and a little bit of membership dues, but is essentially all tax money. In 2008, Dan Lincoln’s comp was a mere $243,357. Nice pay raise!
WHISTLEBLOWER SUMMER INTERN PROGRAM: Today is the final day to email applications for the summer term which runs June 3 through August 23. Applicants must either be tri-state residents attending an accredited college or university in or outside of Ohio or Kentucky. Applicants must also have completed a full academic year by the end of the internship. Participants are expected to commit to a minimum of 20 hours per week of program-related work over the internship.
Applicants must also submit a 1,000-word-or-less essay on “Why it’s OK to Make Fun of Politicians.”
Applications can also be submitted for the fall term: August 26– November 15, 2013
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says in 1889 on this date, the Johnstown Flood led to the catastrophe in which 2,209 people died and a prosperous city was nearly wiped off the face of the earth due to heavy rain and a neglected dam. OK, all you Failed Cincinnati Public Schools Graduates, in which state is Johnstown located?
IN KENTUCKY: While Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo is reporting a large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.
“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”
“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.
“Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?”
“Yep.”
“Were there any survivors?”
“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”
“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.
“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, “He kept a-saying he wasn’t… But you know how bad that sumbitch lies…”
- GLOBAL WARMING UPDATE: Don Camillo just talked with a friend who lives in a small town near Como, Italy. She told him that their city council had to approve an Ordinance extending the time when PRIVATE home owners are allowed to keep their heating on, from mid April to June 1, this year. Let nobody tell that to Mayor Bloomberg, Mark Mallory, or Al Gore.
The weather seems to be hotter this spring, and do-gooders are already asking you to donate a fan, a brand new window air conditioner, or provide a monetary donation now through August 13 to help local families in need with proper cooling and ventilation this summer.
Our Compassionate Conservative remembers a few years ago when those Blue Chip Young Republicans were selling T-Shirts that said “What Happened to the Goddam Fans We Gave You Last Year.”
No wonder The Blower always reminds subscribers donating fans or air-conditioners during the summer heat wave to write on it with a big black permanent marker: “THIS IS A FREE FAN – A GIFT TO THE POOR- NOT FOR Re-SALE!”
WEATHER RETORT: This year, people are really worried about their electric bills increasing because of the sizzling summer temperatures. “Whistleblower readers have always known where to see our local utility company ridiculed,” explained Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane, “especially nearly 22 years ago in the July 16, 1991 Edition, with parody ads like the one for C G & E.”
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Yogi Berra’s “It ain’t the heat. It’s the humility.”
FINALLY AT TODAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders celebrating Clint Eastwood’s 83rd Birthday will be making their day by comparing some of their favorite Clint Eastwood quotes, like “I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it,” “A man’s got to know his limitations,” and “I tried being reasonable, I didn’t like it.”
Also, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was amused by this Hollywood skywriter’s spacing problems when he tried to write “Happy Birthday, Clint.”
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
Some of Today’s Political Cartoons
Stories We’re Working On
Obama approval drops- 76% want special prosecutor to investigate Obama’s IRS Scandal
- Whistleblower declines invitation for off-the record press briefing with Eric Holder
- GITMO guards converting to Islam
- Benghazi’s biggest scandal yet to be revealed
- Benghazi’s biggest scandal yet to be revealed
- Western Southern promises no more ugly hookers in Lytle Park
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Readers Poll respondents said it would take to get Obama impeached:
(A) Getting caught in more lies: 2%
(B) More Republican Congressional investigations: 1%
(C) Too many golf outings: 1%
(D) Cutting off the free stuff: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Up Your Octane!
This week, everybody who is well aware of the fact that gasoline prices have more than doubled since Obama took office, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Orville Octane, who says buying gasoline is really a religious experience these days, because every time you see how much it costs to fill your tank, you yell, “Holy Christ!”
Orville wins a “Bomb Their Ass and Steal their Gas” T-shirt, a siphon for stealing his next-door neighbor’s gas, and once a week, One of Eric Deters’ Mexican Midgets promises to hide in Orville’s trunk so he can jump out and switch nozzles to Orville’s gas tank when other drivers are distracted waiting for their cars to fill up. His winning entry is:
Paying Four Dollars for a Gallon of Gas
Makes Crooked Bastards, Inc. happy, alas.
But they won’t be happy for long,
‘Cause greed is the name of their song,
As they shove the pump hose further up our ass.
Paying four dollars for a gallon of gas
Is a phony price gouge, but it will not pass.
For Obama and his New World Order, you see,
It’s one more tool to destroy the bourgeoisie,
But Barry and his hell hounds can kiss my white ass.
Western Southern’s John Barrett says
Paying four dollars for a gallon of gas
Is nothing less than a pain in the ass
I hear Charles Foster Kane
Has a car that runs on grain
I wish I had a car that runs on grass
Judge Norbert Nadel says
Paying four dollars for a gallon of gas
Is really a royal pain in the ass.
But I pay what I gotta
‘Cause my car won’t run on watta
And it costs too much to cut my damn grass!
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still not successfully completed his racial sensitivity correspondence course):
Paying four dollars for a gallon of gas
Is kinda like takin’ it right up the ass
I’ve got a car that runs on coal
Green energy ain’t my goal
When it comes to eco-friendly, I’ll pass.
When I was a kid, we rode bikes,
We walked where we could, and went on hikes
We did what we could
With coal, gas and wood
And there were no such things as homos and dykes.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“On June 6 we celebrate D-Day”
CHEAP GAS HOT LINE
E-mail lowest prices today.
Some price gouged items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally price gouged subscribers
Links of the Day
How Liberal Journalists Think
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
