Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

Do you think the news media be covering the Supreme Court this morning when we hear oral arguments on whether same sex-couples have the right to marry? — Chief Justice John Roberts
We strongly believe they should be able to get married, just like anybody else. —Divorce Lawyers of America
That’s why we chose Kinky Friedman’s “I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
In Monday’s edition, it was Football’s turn in our daily Gay-Madison Avenue effort to create enough momentum to persuade the Supreme Court that Washington, Madison, Hamilton, and Jay wrote Sodomy into the Constitution…..and Holmes, Brandeis, and Storey just weren’t constitutionally wise enough to see it. Fortunately, we have Portman, the NFL, and Obama to free us from the historic constraints of Civilization. —USA Today
I haven’t been this excited about something in Washigton since I first went to DC to accept my Patton, Boggs, and Blow job. —Rob “Fighting for Fellatio” Portman
It’s only a coincidence that one of the boys on “Gays of Our Lives” is also named “Will.” —NBC
Cincinnati City Clown-cil wants us to change our name to the “Opening Gay Day Parade” and make Portman the Grand Marshal. —Findlay Market Opening Day Committee
We’re looking for lots of gays and lesbians to interview about being included in next Monday’s Opening Day Parade. —Flamer Fishwrappers
We remember last May when The Fishwrap’s new idiotorial page editor Dave Holthaus said he just wanted to help our region “evolve” into a tolerant community. —Whistleblower Alternate Life-styles Editors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
If that policy won’t continue to drive people out of the city, we don’t know what will. —Phil Burr-ass at Citizens for Community Values
At least when people drive out of the City, it won’t cost them to park. —Judge Robert Winkler, still working on my Solomonic restraining order ruling on the Parking Giveaway Boondoggle the City of Cincinnati wanted to execute
Unless a greater effort to place the Parking Leasing referendum on the ballot is successful, March 6, 2013 will be remembered as “Cincinnati’s Day of Infamy” because that’s when Cincinnati City Clown-cil Members Foxy Roxy Qualls, Laure “Not So” Cleanlinin’, Chris Squealback, Yvette Simpson, Cecil Thomas, and Wendell Young voted to mortgage our future for 30 pieces of silver. —Loony Libertarian Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns
Please don’t ask about that big controversy at the Cincinnati Police Department about the 40 officers authorized to work our off duty detail. —Horseshoe Casino
We’re finally following up on The Blower’s March 10 item about all those principals getting their walking papers at the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools. —Everybody Else
On this date in 1979 Egyptian President Anwar el-Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin signed a historic peace agreement. Not only did they win a Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts, but in keeping with Arab tradition, Sadat was assassinated by a peace-loving Muslim Islamo-fascist for making peace with the Israelis. —Hurley the Historian
Saturday Night, Hillary’s replacement as Obama’s Secretary of State John Kerry offered Israel an unbelievable opportunity: if Israel would only first release Palestinian terrorists and give Palestinians lots of land, terrorists in Gaza would think about talking about peace. —Benjamin Netanyahu
Did you see where Whore-aldo compared Arafat to George Washington? —Photo-Shop Editorial Spoofer Edward Cropper

It only took ten weeks for my constituents to receive a post card with my office address (at 7954 Beechmont Avenue directly across from Anderson Tea Party Headquarters) and phone number (513-474-777), no thanks to my overpaid office staff or transition team, since the Republican Caucus in Washington was forced to send it out. —Ohio Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup
Tomorrow night’s meeting format will be a little different than usual. Let’s make it a social hour! —Anderson Tea Party
I bet you could guess that Palm Sunday is my favorite holiday. —Anderson Township Masturbating Township Trustee Kevin O’Brien
We’re in for a very busy week at The Blower. Easter’s on Sunday, and next Monday we’ll have our Gay Opening Day Parade on April Fool’s Day. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
Tom Wurtz says I’m part of the debt problem, just because since I’ve been in Congress, annual federal spending has increased from $946 billion to $3.6 trillion and the national debt has increased from $1 trillion to nearly $17 trillion. —Tax-and-Spender Bitch McConnell
Did anybody notice that I followed The Blower’s suggestion and my web page no longer says I’m licensed to practice in Kentucky? —Greedy Hearse-Chasing, Disgraced-DemocRAT, Clinton-loving, Fen-Phen Scandal Plagued, Now Disbarred in Kentucky, Trial Attorney $tan Che$ley
At least I only got a 61-day suspension. —“Crazy Eric” Deters
Do you think the Reds’ 9-17 pitching staff is ready for Opening Day on Monday? —Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall
It won’t be long until we calculate the date of Tax Freedom Day for 2013. —Your Friends at the Tax Foundation
The latest and greatest e-dition of my hilariously funny and creative e-newsletter is on cyber news stands now. This week’s This Week In Kenton Circuit Court features dozens of scum bags, druggies, burglars, and other low lifes, but this Richard Taylor guy appears 3 times in 3 different cases. No surprise two of his three cases are heroin possession and the third was possessing stolen property, probably thieved in order to get more heroin! Still, three cases in one week would be impressive by any standard. —Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth’s Attorney E Rob Sanders
Trish the Dish wants to know if the Reds are mathematically eliminated yet. —TV 19 News
Sheree Paolello wants to know how many games Joe Votto has to play before he earns his first million dollars this year. —Jack Atherton (Still at Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you missed me)

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

Sometimes The Blower ridicules “Playing the Gay Card” to show that dividing the country is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t an Obama Fund-raiser.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Obama Supporters.

SCOTUS SAME-SEX MARRIAGE HOTLINE

e-mail your oral orations today.

Some homo bashing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally homo bashing subscribers.

Link of the Day

Gay Women Will Marry Your Boyfriends

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.