Friday, March 29, 2013
Root-Root-Rooting for the Home Team!
Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather is back. And he is excited that his beloved Cincinnati Redleg’s magic number is still “162,” Farley is also making some bold predictions for professional baseball’s first team as it begins the 2013 season on Monday’s Opening Day: Johnny Cueto will become major league baseball’s first 30-game winner since Denny McClain did it in 1968 . . . and learn to speak English! Jay Bruce will hit 80 home runs. The boldest prediction? Joey Votto will prove he is worth every penny of the roughly $45,000 he’s paid each and every time he comes to bat!
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Ted Williams’ “Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer.”
In a related item, Hurley the Historian says on this date in 33 AD the first baseball game was played between the Bethlehem Braves and the Jerusalem Giants with Harry Carey doing the play by play. Eat your hearts out, Brennamans!
- In a related story from the Great White North, the McKenzie Brothers remember last year when the Western Star said two of Willie’s Sports Cafe got busted by the Board of Health— the one in Mason and the other one in West Chester. Does that mean Willie’s “Hepatitis Free” rating is now in jeopardy?
Bluegrass Ball-Walkers
- Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says yesterday at the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why he’s always complaining about media hype, since political propaganda has been his special province for a very long time. Thirty-three years ago, Kane blew the whistle on then GOP Hamilton County Commissioner Norman Murdock for illegally campaigning from the Hamilton County Courthouse. But even before that, Kane was publicizing and promoting some pretty worthwhile causes.
Hurley the Historian said, “Take that time in 1980 when Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench.”
Here’s our 33-year-old news advisory for that day: Mild-mannered P&G advertising salesman Keen Babbage has become an overnight celebrity on his 430-mile trek from St. Luis to Cincinnati to promote the March of Dimes Superwalk in April 27. Yesterday, Babbage averaged better than four miles per hour for the 47 miles between Libroy and Mr. Vernon, Illinois.
Clear skies and 55-degree weather greeted him as he traveled the flat Illinois farmland. All along the route, cars stopped for autographs, pictures, newspaper interviews, and to offer contributions for the March of Dimes. They all wanted to see the baseball Babbage was carrying to Riverfront Stadium so Jason Edwards, the five-year-old March of Dimes Poster Child could throw out the first ball to the 1980 season to Cincinnati Reds catcher Johnny Bench.
In Nashville, Illinois, employees at the IGA store invited Babbage in for lunch. All he could eat.
This morning, Babbage got the key to the city from the mayor of Mt. Vernon, Illinois, as the town council, local athletes, and reporters accompanied him for the first mile out of town. Tonight, Keen expects to arrive at Fairfield, Illinois—and easy trip. It’s only 32 miles.
- Kane said what started as a publicity stunt to promote the March of Dimes had become an inspiration to him and Babbage, because they were constantly reminded of how the Cincinnati poster child finally walked the year before after 14 operations, taking his first steps on Christmas Day that year.
The Associated Press quoted Babbage: “I remember my fourth day out, when I had walked 47 grueling miles. I was beat with another long day facing me the next day. I didn’t know how I could make it. Then the people in Princeton, Indiana introduced me to their poster child. He had to practice all day just to be able to say my name. I was ashamed for being tired. The kid had done all the work. Compared to him, my 47 miles were nothing that day. Since then, I haven’t been tired.”
No wonder our Quote for Today Committee asked to borrow Keen’s quote.
Bunky Tadwell says, “Gimme a Pig’s Foot.”
No, not the lyrics to an old Bessie Smith Song, but an approach to Easter. While relaxing before a comforting fireplace, who should pass by but the Easter Bunny himself.
BT: The Easter Bunny. What a pleasure. Holiday greetings.
EB: Yeh. Back at you. But you could drop the bunny bit. The name’s Howard.
BT: Howard? OK. To what do I owe this visit?
EB: I’m tired of the whole gig, man. Colored eggs, green plastic grass, chocolate rabbits. The whole meaning of the day has been lost. Get real. What’s the most important thing today?
BT: Now that you bring it up, I don’t know.
EB: What do people think of the most? Eating. Do they eat rabbit for Easter? Ever seen a rabbit naked? It looks like a skinned cat. You wouldn’t eat that. You eat ham: baked ham, smoked ham, ham and eggs, ham sandwiches, honey baked ham, fancy cut ham. It’s ham, kiddo. That’s what I’m saying.
BT: And you’re saying…
EB: THE EASTER PIG!
BT: Easter Pig?
EB: Right. I talked it over with my buddy, Carl.
BT: Who is Carl?
EB: The last of the Three Little Pigs…the smart one with a brick house. He had to agree that the whole thing made sense, but he was nervous about having his rear sliced off for dinner.
BT: I can imagine. Do you think the idea of the Easter Pig would go over with the kids?
EB: Give them a chocolate pig and toys and they’ll go for anything.
BT: I have to admit, the idea sounds good. I might buy into it.
EB: Swell. Just don’t mention it to Carl.
- DAVID v. GOLIATH REDUX: Whistleblower Part-time Biblical Scholar Charles Foster Kane says 1 Samuel 17 (The story of David and Goliath) had to be rewritten Thursday morning. Remember how the City had to bring 11 attorneys to try and convince Judge Bob “the Solomon of the Hamilton County Bench” Winkler that they should be able to take the right to vote away from the people of the City? Against this Goliath of a legal team stood a lone lad we’ll call Curt “David” Hartman. And Thursday morning, once again, David had slayeth Goliath. In what can only be described as a Solomonic decision, Judge Winkler ruled in favor of the people of Cincinnati giving them the right to vote against giving away of the City’s parking system. As for the people of Cincinnati, somebody besides Loony Libertarian Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns better get out there collecting signatures. Right now, they don’t have nearly enough.
In a related story, CH Snitch at 1000 Main Street intercepted an e-mail from Judge Winkler to Former GOP Chairman George Vincent and Current Hamilton County RINO Party Boss, Alex T., Mall Cop GOP (a member of Vincent’s firm), lawyers for the City, that said, “Go Fuck yourselves!”
- FINALLY, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s next door neighbor Archbishop Dennis Schnurr says tomorrow we’ll celebrate Easter Sunday, and just to get everybody in an Eastery mood, let’s all join the guys from Monte Python’s “Life of Brian” singing, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”
Stories We’re Working On
Portman’s first Patton, Boggs, & Blow job in Washington- $tan Che$ley still not disbarred in Ohio
- Horseshoe Casino Off-duty Police Controversy
- Chance of snow in forecast for Opening Day
- Rand Paul plans to stop gun legislation
- Ashley Judd too scared to run against Bitch McConnell
- Fishwrap’s Wet Dream Team Anchor Contest
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said we should expect to see at Mediocre American Ball Park this year:
(A) Good hitting beats good pitching and vice versa: 2%
(B) More hype than you can imagine: 1%
(C) Really scruffy people dressed in crappy red clothes: 1%
(D) Outrageous food prices: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
No Fool Like an Old Fool
This week, everybody who can’t wait until Sunday to start playing April Fool’s Day jokes, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Harley Hoodwinker, who likes to watch people’s faces whenever he says, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times…” Harley wins a copy of the “1,001 Best April Fool’s Day Pranks of 2014” so he can plan ahead for next year, a lifetime pass on the new Cincinnati Trolley, and Reds and Bungals playoff tickets. His winning limerick is:
There once was an old April fool
Dumb as an ox, stubborn as a mule
He voted with libs
Fell for the DumbocRAT fibs
And left us with Obama to rule.
Here’s a Dishonorable Mention from “In Russ We Trust” Jackson
There once was an Old April Fool,
Who at one time had been very cool,
Now all of his friends,
Sends him lots of Depends,
And Kleenex to catch to catch all his drool.
Bobby Leach says this is nostalgic
There once was an old April fool
Who thought that he was really cool
He wore bell bottomed jeans
Like he was still in his teens
And watched TV reruns of the Cool Ghoul.
E Rob Sanders denies he sent this in
There once was an Old April Fool
Who fancied his franchise quite cool.
He refused to trade old Number Nine,
Insisting everything would be fine,
Since all this Fool’s deals are Old School.
Rick “The Bat Boy” Robinson plans to include this in his next book
There once was an old April fool
Who challenged a guy to a duel
But he made a bad deal
The guy was a Navy SEAL
Now in Hades he is under Osama’s rule.
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s counting the days until his poetic license is restored):
There once was an old April fool
Who forgot what to do with his tool
He got into trouble
When he folded it double
And found himself covered in drool.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The Best Part About Tax Freedom Day”
APRIL FOOLS HOTLINE
e-mail your best pranks today.
Some April Fools items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally April Fooling subscribers.
LINK OF THE DAY
Obama April Fools
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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