Monday, March 25, 2013
HAPPY PASSOVER, EVERYBODY!
First, as Rabbi Kosherwitz always says, let me tell you a little story. Would you like to know how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments?
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. “What’s a commandment?” they asked.
“Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”
“Well,” said God, “It’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL,” and the Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, “How much?” God said, “They’re free.” And the Jews said, “Great! We’ll take TEN!”
Now, for our “Goyim” subscribers, we have Uncle Jay’s Video Explaining Passover for OurJewishCommunity.org. You may never have to watch “The Ten Commandments” again.- And according to Jib Jab, the miracle of Passover was not parting the Red Sea, but getting the Jews to cross it. You could also watch their Hip Hop for Hebrews called “The Matzah Rap,” “JC and the Gang Do Passover,” “Who Let The Jews Out,” and if you’re feeling really blasphemous, you could always enjoy the trailer from “I Know What You Did Last Seder.” It’s enough to make you want to order a ham sandwich.
Bluegrass Blasphemies
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says while all the Jews in Northern Kentucky were really ready for their Passover Seders tast night, he wonders if Kenton County Attorney Scarry Garry Edmondson would be still gathering more “Jew Jokes” for his newsletter:
Q: Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.
Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?”
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: How do you know when a Jewish woman has an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
Q: Why do Jewish women always go for men who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse anything with 10% off.
Q: Why does a married Princess close her eyes whilst she’s making love?
A: Because she can’t stand to see her husband enjoying himself.
Benny was in conversation with his friend Victor. “So Victor, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special,” replied Victor, “I’m having Social Security Sex.”
“Social Security Sex?” says Benny, “What’s that?”
“You know, Benny, you get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
Rifka says to her friend Hetty, “My Moshe is useless.”
“Why do you say that,” says Hetty.
“Because the way he goes about foreplay is a total waste of time. All he manages to do is make me feel like a light switch someone’s trying to find in the dark.”
Leah has a problem with her Izzy and goes to see her therapist. “Doctor, I need your help with a serious problem. Whenever my Izzy and I are in bed together, he always lets out a loud scream when he climaxes.”
“But that’s quite common, Leah, in fact it’s completely normal. There really isn’t anything I can do.”
“But doctor, my problem is that it wakes me up.”
Sadie was participating in a family survey. The interviewer asked her, “How do you feel about condoms?”
Sadie replied, “Depends on what’s in it for me.”
One day, a chicken got to know an egg in the biblical sense. After they had finished, the chicken was reclining with a post-coital cigarette in his beak. He rolls over to the egg and says, “I guess that settles it then”
Passover Politics
Moishe Matzobaum says Jews listening to the President’s Passover Message discovered Obama was still tone deaf. Why can’t Obama simply can’t call a Jewish holiday a Jewish holiday. The Messiah of the world insists on co-opting our holidays for the world. Particularly offensive was comparing the Israelites’ fight for freedom with what’s going on in the Middle East these days. Once they get their own houses in order, we’ll see how they act towards Israel. But if Egypt is any indicator, Israel is in big trouble.
Obama’s first trip abroad was to speak to the Muslim Brotherhood in Cairo in June 2009. He told the President of Egypt (whose government had signed a peace treaty with Israel) that he (Mubarak) was not welcome at their event. Every American should watch that speech again. Now, having actively overthrown three governments and installing for the first time actual Muslim Brotherhood governments, all of which are committed to the destruction of Israel, Obama seeks to feign his support for Israel.
The Whistleblower’s Number One story last week was when Israeli Correspondent Yitzhak Tadwell described Obama’s arrival in Israel on Wednesday for his Early Passover Charm Offensive looking for Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Supporters in the Middle East. First, his limo broke down because somebody accidently filled the gas tank with diesel fuel. An Obama administration video highlighting the president’s plans for his Mideast trip depicted Jerusalem, the Golan and the West Bank as non-Israeli territory. Palestinian rioters had already set fire to pictures of Obama on Monday, as part of their unwelcoming ceremonies to their city, and Israelis were posting Obama’s photos with big red “no” symbols on telephone poles.- While in Jerusalem, Obama spoke of peace as rockets from Gaza rained down on Israel. He offered another $200 million in over-taxed payers’ aid to Jordan and unblocked $500 million in aid to the Palestinian terrorists that had been frozen by Congress. No wonder Abbas welcomed Obama’s Jerusalem speech.
- Obama then suckered Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu into apologizing to Turkey for the death of nine Gaza flotilla activists in 2010, after which Turkey reneged on Israel’s deal. At a press conference in Ramallah, Obama addressed the assembled journalists while standing under a Yasser Arafat banner. And the UN Human Rights Council passed five new resolutions condemning Israel, just for good measure. Saturday Night, Hillary’s replacement as Obama’s Secretary of State John Kerry offered Israel an unbelievable opportunity: if Israel would only first release Palestinian terrorists and give Palestinians lots of land, terrorists in Gaza would think about talking about peace. Will all those Israel-hating American Jews who voted for Obama have something to celebrate on this Passover or what!
- While shutting out American children on Spring Break from visiting the White House, Obama has been busy passing out billions to the new Brotherhood governments. He gave the world’s finest tanks and F-16 fighters to empower them to attack Israel without calling upon the US Air Force as the Muslim Brotherhood had to do in Libya. All of this sucking up to his friends and America’s enemies has only earned us the lowest approval ratings in history. Our enemies hate “the Great Satan” and our friends no longer trust us. All in all, it’s exactly what our Prius driving Obama stickered neighbors voted for.
- God help Israel and the United States of America.
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Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous donation during our March fund-raising drive from the Jews who are still waiting to become assimilated in Northern Kentucky.
PASSOVER PASTIMES HOT LINE
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Links of the Day
The Passover Seder Symbols Song
PLUS
Penis for Passover
Some Rabbis Just Can’t Tell a Joke
Happy Passover!
I Will Survive – Hilarious Pesach Cleaning Song With Lyrics
How Not To Attend a Passover Seder
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