Saturday, March 9, 2013

IT’S ALMOST DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME, EVERYBODY!

IT’S ALMOST TIME TO SPRING FORWARD: Now where’d we put those damn instructions for changing the time on our new digital watch and the dashboard clock in our cars? Our Quote for Today Committee likes Gary Shandling’s I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was on the night the clocks are set ahead. But actually, as confusing as the reasons for Daylight Savings Time are, you shouldn’t forget Yogi Berra’s scientific explanation: “It gets late earlier out there.”
SPEAKING OF TELLING TIME: Our Campaign Countdown Clockwatcher tells us now there are only 59 more days till the Forrest Gump School District’s Stealth Tax Hike Election, and Greedy Media Ad Salesmen can hardly wait for all those negative commercials to start running.
OUR LATE NIGHT JOKEWATCHER liked Jay Leno’s “Liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.”
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1954, Senate Republicans leveled criticism at DemocRAT-turned-Republican Joseph McCarthy and took action to limit his power. The criticism and actions were indications that McCarthy’s glory days as the most famous investigator of communist activity in the United States were coming to an end. Do you think Bluegrass Senator Rand Paul will remember this date?
THE CHECK’S NOT IN THE MAIL: Can you believe Kroger owes bankrupt Hostess $2.8 million? Their accounts payable left Cincinnati and went to Nashville. Claims are all done via e-mail. One automatic e-mail reply tells you to send pay requests to another e-mail address and that e-mail reply tells you to reply to the first e-mail address. It’s a vicious circle with no pay back. You can have a problem for six months and not talk with a single human about an incorrect invoice. Now you can see why their profits are so high.
BIG PUSSY PHOTOS: A controversial display on the University of Cincinnati campus of women’s vaginas is causing quite a stir. [SEE JEFF HIRSCH’S TV 12 NEWS COVERAGE HERE] The Blower asked our good friend Bobby Leach to cover the story three days ago and we haven’t heard from him since. Whistleblower Alternate Life-styles Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis are wondering when UC will be showing the “Big Cock and Balls Display.” Meanwhile, the Catholic Church was glad the display wasn’t on Friday, because it would ruin sales at all their church fish dinners.

And is Clown-cilgay Chris Squealback a “Judas” for changing his vote on Cincinnati’s Parking Framus? Some people think so. Judge Winkler must think so, since he enjoined that resolution from taking effect until the voters have a chance to repeal it.

TINO DELGATO says it was convenient that outgoing Mayor Mallory could be back in town for the Horseshoe Casino opening. He should be back again for Opening Day or any Obama visit. Mallory was asked NOT to throw any dice due to his limp wrist problem. Keep in mind it was former Mayor Charlie Luken who got the ball rolling on Ohio Casinos. Tino says the new Horseshoe Casino expects to draw six million visitors annually. That’s about 16,500 patrons per day. Now that is some good Horse Shit. And based on early attendance at the Horseshoe Casino, Mahogany’s should’ve located there instead of the Banks. In fact, a drive-thru window on the Reading Road side of the Casino would have been ideal.

In a related item, Jerry Springer says parking in the Casino garage may be free all night, but not the streetwalkers you’ll see strolling outside the place.

IN ANDERSON: Angry Andrew wonders if you seen the new “Tug Toner” exercise video? Anderson Trustee Kevin O’Brien says he can’t wait to try it.
FOOLS IN SCHOOLS: The Failed Cincinnati Public Schools Edumacashun Center was evacuated recently due to heavy smoke emerging from the data center room. Perhaps if Superintendent Ronan would stop stacking those bags of money she’s paid alongside all of the computers and electrical outlets there would not have been a fire.
IT’S ABOUT TIME: AT the next Hamilton County Board of Elections Meeting, the Board will be presenting its 2013 “Biggest Pain in the Ass Award” to the aggravating person receiving more undeserved time and attention than any other citizen of Hamilton County. E-mail your nominations in today.
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: Metro Mole says staffers are disgusted at the lies Wedgie Washburn and Botox Buchanan (aka Skaggie Maggie) are telling about the Fishwrap lite that debuts on Monday. SURE, there will be more content — bet your ass, maybe for a week. Then it won’t even be a suitable asswipe. Our Mole Man says one can only hope for an 8-inch snowfall on Day One — shipping in from Columbus may not be such a cool idea. At the very least that means the “news” will be two hours more stale.

Monday is also the date Tea Party Patriots will be boycotting the Hamilton County RINO Party’s Lincoln-Reagan Day Dinner, where Ohio GOP Governor Kasich Taylor will be honored for his efforts to expand ObamaCare in Ohio. Do you think any of the folks from OhioRising.com will be there?

CH SNITCH AT 1000 MAIN STREET says nobody at Tracy Winkler’s Clerk of Courts Office is claiming responsibility for cleansing the web page for Hamilton County Sheriff’s employee Mickey Esposito who was charged with theft from the sheriff’s property room.
RESUME SPEED ZONE: Did Hamilton County Judge Robert Ruehlman really outlaw those controversial traffic cameras in Elmwood Place just because there were no signs making motorists aware of the cameras and the cameras are calibrated once a year by a for-profit operator? Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception says, “Maybe the judge’s wife got a ticket driving through the place.”
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Ashley Judd has yet to officially announce her political aspirations, but a source with intimate knowledge of the situation told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column the moonbat actress is preparing herself to challenge Senate Minority Leader Bitch McConnell for his Kentucky seat in 2014. And you thought that waste of time wasn’t going to get any coverage in the Liberal Press.

The latest and greatest e-dition of Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth’s Attorney E Rob Sanders physically augmented e-newsletter is on cyber news stands now! This week’s This Week In Kenton Circuit Court features plenty of druggies, bums, scum bags and other losers but none quite as dumb as brothers Mark and Daniel Ball who are headed to the big house for the next 10 years after cops caught them stealing copper from the HVAC units atop one of Covington’s few successful businesses. Instead of just surrendering to officers on the roof, these two mental midgets ran and jumped, only to be caught by other officers waiting on the street below. So the two Balls got busted and busted their legs in the process! Read more about the Balls here.

And that Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Still Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club is checking out rumors that Patrick Moeves is now working for Crazy Eric. Word is Moeves just got out of prison on parole a few weeks ago. He can’t work as an attorney because he’s been disbarred. Deters has a track record of hiring people with records: Nicole Howell who was charged but not convicted, Sara Jones who pled guilty to a felony, Resigned-in-disgrace and subsequently disbarred Judge Jay Bamberger. We’re uncertain if Howell and/or Bamberger are still employed there but they were at one point. But now Moeves? It’s not really a surprise, but The Cabal wonders how many of Deters clients know the less than stellar reputations of some of his employees.

Another Improbable Interview By Bunky Tadwell

With everybody all set to set their clocks ahead tonight, The Blower was trying to understand the logic behind this confusing event, so we sent Bunky Tadwell to interview Professor Homer Schnorer of the Grindle, Indiana Institute of Flora and Fauna.

BT: Just what is Daylight Savings Time?
HS: It is what it is, the saving of daylight and time.
BT: Exactly how is it done?
HS: That was a problem when it was first proposed by Ben Franklin. He needed more time to light his invention, the Franklin Stove and more daylight to check out another one of his inventions, bi-focal glasses.
BT: He was a busy boy.
HS: Not too busy to cast his bread upon Colonial waters, if you know what I mean.
BT: I guess he would use more time but he wouldn’t need more daylight for that.
HS: The problem was…how to store the daylight and time. Spread too much daylight and one couldn’t sleep. And time was what kept everything from happening all at once. Stored in Mason jars and the daylight showed through the glass. And glass jars break too easily. To shorten the story, someone hit on the idea of metal barrels stored under ground.
BT: How’s that working out?
HS: Over the years, we’ve filled up almost all of the available space. And some barrels are leaking. Turns out daylight and time are corrosive. We’ve filled up most of Tasmania, empty land in Australia, all of the U.S., a large portion of Antarctica, Mongolia, and who knows where else.
BT: Sounds serious!
HS: Fortunately, we’ve found a solution…shoot the stuff into outer space. With any luck, the stuff will hit a black hole and disappear…like promises in Washington.
BT: That’s good news!
HS: The bad news is that since Obama shut down the space program, we have to borrow money from the Chinese to pay the Russians to do it for us.

Probably, Bunky could’ve used that extra hour of rest to work on this Daylight Savings column.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME HOT LINE

e-mail your missing minutes today

Some time-saving items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally time-saving subscribers, but we could always use a lot more.

Link of the Day

Spring Forward (Fall Back)_Daylight Saving Time protest song

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Whistleblower Newswire

Some of the News They Seem to Lose

Special “Quality Time” E-dition