Friday, February 15, 2013
Top Ten List
Today, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Mick the Quick gave when he was arrested for stealing all that stuff from the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Property Room:
10. I forgot
9. The dog ate it
8. She told me she loved me
7. I did it to help the homeless
6. The Devil made me do it
5. I just wanted to be loved–is there anything wrong with that?
4. I’m still a Republican
3. I was framed
2. This whole thing is just one big terrible mistake
…and the Number One Reason Mick the Quick gave when he was arrested for stealing all that stuff from the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Property Room is… the guys at Hamilton County Republican Headquarters said nobody would ever find out.
WAIT A MINUTE: Aren’t those the same Top Ten Reasons Mickey Esposito planned to use on May 14, 1991 for his fool-for-a-client defense at his trial that cost Hamilton County Overtaxed Payers more than $1 million? “Mickey’s Defense” was our “Really Big Story” that week. There they are, right there in Edition #50 when The Whistleblower used to be printed and delivered all over all over town. What a treasure trove of information can be uncovered at even a short visit any afternoon to The Whistleblower Archives.
Maybe Hamilton County Sheriff’s investigators could be forgiven. After all Jim Neil’s only been in office long enough to replace Semper Si’s name on all his county vehicles, give his deputies a much-needed raise, catch a couple of people screwing in the stairwell at the Downtown Public Library, and get himself listed as a one of Charles Foster Kane’s Faux Facebook Friends.
But The Blower could hardly forgive our Feckless Fishwrappers for their positively dreadful coverage of Mickey’s past alleged criminality in Jennifer Edward Baker’s so-called news item on Thursday (“Sheriff’s property room supervisor arrested”). Kimball Perry, whose embellished byline claims “I cover the administration of justice and work to ensure that courts do business in the open,” would have been all over a story about convicted former Hamilton County Auditor Joe DeCourcy’s lounge lizard son-in-law’s previous crimes and misdemeanors that happened during the Golden Age of Sleaze and Corruption in Hamilton County.
Those were the good old days, when even The Whistleblower was reading Frank Weikel’s must-read column several times each week in what was then called The Enquirer, where political icon Bob Weston was still showing up-and-coming political (but now dearly departed) reporter Huggable Howard Wilkinson the ropes. Those guys certainly would’ve already dashed over to interview Hamilton County Auditor Dusty Rhodes. That Double-Dipping Disingenuous DemocRAT has been dancing on DeCourcy’s and Esposito’s graves ever since their Republican scandals helped get him elected.
Republicans for Higher Taxes is scooping The Fishwrap today too, with their timely comment on the Simon Leis crony arrested for stealing items out of the Sheriff’s Department property room. They condemn Sheriff Jim Neil for bringing a Leis friend to justice. Inquiring minds want to know why Semper Si hired Michael “Mickey” Esposito to run the property room considering he was the indicted former Chief Deputy Auditor for Joe DeCourcy, who as County Auditor was convicted of giving sweetheart audits to his friends so they could pay lower property taxes. It should have been clear to everyone that Mickey could not be trusted with that responsibility. RFHT says, “Thank goodness Jim Neil was elected Sheriff so that kind of Courthouse Corruption could be put to a stop,” even though the current investigation that got Mickey arrested this time began, but coincidentally didn’t get that far, while Sheriff Leis was in office.- Maybe that’s why after last night’s speaking engagement, political insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why scooping The Fishwrap appears to be so easy these days. “It’s just like we’ve always said,” Kane explained. “Folks at The Fishwrap are too lazy, too, stupid, or too dishonest to publish the whole story. Plus, we’ve been doing it successfully for more than 23 years, so we’ve had lots of practice.”
Stories We’re Working On
Obama’s SOTUS audience plummets by double digits- GOP say Obama’s Agenda is DOA
- Great start for Kerry: Russia won’t return his call
- Obama takes well-deserved time off to go golfing in Palm Beach this weekend
- What happens if you forgot Valentine’s Day
- “Crazy Eric’s” latest even crazier client
- Drones spotted over Cleves
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they planned to celebrate Presidents’ Day this year:
(A) Getting a day off with pay: 2%
(B) Buying a mattress: 1%
(C) Getting a BJ like President Clinton did: 1%
(D) Working: 94%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Only Three More Obama SOTU Speeches to Go!
This week, everybody who tuned out Obama’s State of Dis-Union speech on Lincoln’s Birthday to watch the Westminster Dog Show e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Freddie Factchecker, who said just like any of the hundreds of speeches Obama’s given since he’s been in office, the biggest problem was trying to distinguish Obama’s factual errors from his bold face lies, like when he said all that new free stuff he was planning to give all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Supporters won’t cost a dime. No Kidding
Freddie wins a DVD of all of Obama’s Greatest Speeches, his name painted on the side of one of Obama’s Killer Drones, and a guest shot as an expert on the Liberal TV Talk Show of his choice. His winning limerick is:
This year’s State of Dis-Union Address
Obama will have to confess
He tries to give hope
But he’s only a dope
And the country is in a big mess.
And from our Anderson Laureate, whose poetic license has been renewed for another week:
This year’s state of disunion address
Was more of the usual B.S.
When shove comes to push
He’ll blame the bad things on Bush
And he’ll whistle when his words end in “S.”
Obama’s goes on about “sequester”
And he’s as stupid as poor Uncle Fester
Truth is, we’re in a real mess
While he’s plain ruining the U.S.
As a president, he’s only fit to be court jester.
Though he acts like a socialist nut
His sycophants will still kiss his butt
They probably all hope
He’ll be the next Pope
So he can put more of the world in a rut.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“A sheriff’s employee we’ll call Mickey.”
(FOR PROFESSIONAL LIMERICK WRITERS ONLY: You’ll get more words that rhyme if you use “Mick” and add the “ey”
MICKEY ESPOSITO VEGAS SHOW HOT LINE
e-mail your non-refundable reservations today.
Some lounge lizard loving items in today’s Blower
were sent in by our really lounge lizard loving subscribers.
Link of the Day
Dennis Miller: I’m Just Hoping The Next Pope Is Not Muslim
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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