One of the best parts about publishing The Whistleblower Newswire is checking our e-mail first thing each morning to see some of those politically insightful items we’ve received from our equally politically insightful subscribers. Our readers’ comments are extremely helpful for our analysis and interpretation of today’s important top stories.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Happy Ash Wednesday, Everybody
CONFESSING CATHOLICS: Eucharist Tadwell says today Catholics traditionally have ashes sprinkled on their foreheads to mark repentance, so try not to make cruel jokes about somebody with a dirty brow ordering a crispy fish fillet with lettuce and a tangy tartar sauce on a toasted sesame seed bun, because Mackerel Snappers also fast and abstain from eating meat. No only that, Poor Penitent Papists will be without a Pope until Obama makes his recess appointment.
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s next door neighbor in Anderson, Archbishop Dennis M. Schnurr (shown marking parishioners with his dirty thumb), who was appointed by Pope Benedict XVI, said the resignation reflected an unselfish attitude by the Pope.
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1633 Italian philosopher, astronomer and mathematician Galileo arrived in Rome to face charges of heresy for advocating Copernican theory. Galileo officially faced the Roman Inquisition in April of that same year and agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a lighter sentence. It’s a shame there’s no inquisition for RINO Senators.
- POTUS DOES SOTUS: Today, Obama Supporters in the Press will continue their multiple Obasms over Obama’s State of Dis-Union speech on Lincoln’s Birthday. John “No Left Turns in Goshen” Joseph says the big problem came when Obama talked about the Economy, a subject he knows absolutely nothing about. Memo to Barack: the government does not create real jobs. Then again, our Community-Organizer-in-Chief never held a real job, so how would he know?
- NO WONDER OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE CHOSE Lincoln’s “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt,” as we all watch to see how Obama attempts to exploit Lincoln’s Birthday.
FUN FACT OF THE DAY: For every job created since Obama took office 20.57 people have gone on Food Stamps. (11,629 MORE GO ON FOOD STAMPS EACH DAY)- THE CAMPAIGN CONTINUES: Also today in its ever-evolving quest to turn the presidency into a permanent Liberal campaign organ rather than the executive branch of government, the Obama White House will be launching yet another in its endless series of public relations pushes in the aftermath of Obama’s State of the Dis-Union Address on Tuesday evening. Lock and load, NRA Members, Liberals are coming for your guns! (Only 65,376,373 guns have been bought since Obama took office)
- WHO PAID FOR ALL THOSE GUESTS: The most interesting part of Tuesday Night’s State of Dis-Union was comparing the guests at the historic event. GOP House Speaker John Boehner brought the former Reds batboy with Down syndrome. Outspoken conservative rocker Ted Nugent, one of Obama’s severest critics, was the guest of Republican Texas Congressman Steve Stockman, who recently proposed impeaching Obama over gun control. Dysfunctional DemocRAT Nancy Pelosi brought a Sandy Hook student because she wants to ban semi-automatic weapons. Obama’s wife Mooch and Liberal DemocRAT Congressman Luis Gutierrez brought illegal immigrants and Disgraced DemocRAT Senator Robert Menendez brought a teenage prostitute from the Dominican Republican.
At least this year Blower readers didn’t have to worry about “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s embarrassing her Ohio Second Congressional District constituents, trying to get her wrinkled face on TV at Tuesday’s Night’s State of Dis-Union Address. Old Wrinkle Puss was home watching the Westminster Dog Show on the USA Channel, no doubt rooting for her favorite lookalike Shar Pei.
- RACIAL HEALING UPDATE: Monday’s Fishwrap had a front-page Black History Month story you won’t forget, whining about why there are no black candidates in Cincinnati’s Mayoral contest this year. What do you think we’ve had for the past eight years, and you can see what that’s gotten us! Not only have two of the past four mayor’s been black, two’ve been Same Sex Fanatics and one was a Disgraced Philanderer. And if that’s not DemocRAT Diversity, we don’t know what is. Down at the Fishwrap, Metro Mole wonders why reporters Mark Curnutte and Jan Prendergast didn’t get to use their well-deserved “embellished bylines” on the story.
- IN A RELATED ITEM: Guiltless Gary says it seems Alex T., Mall Cop GOP and the ever-bluing Hamilton County RINO Party have found a new Rival in Incompetence: the entire Black Community. After all, Alex T. doesn’t look quite so bad when you consider that although he could not find candidates while being a minority party in a minority city, the Blacks cannot find a mayor candidate while they actually are a majority in the City of Cincinnati. “Our joint incompetence knows no bounds,” says Alex. But better than that, “even though we cannot find candidates, we can still battle, and battle we must. So we’re going to pull out all the stops and write op-ed pieces every week to prove that we’re still somebody to reckon with and daggone it, you’ll still like us, won’t you?”
OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jay Leno’s: “According to a leaked report from an upcoming U.N. study on climate change, solar activity may play a greater role in global warming than previously thought. The sun may be involved in global warming. It’s always the last place you’d think, isn’t it?”- PROSTITUTES ON PARADE: Queen City Streetwalkers can hardly wait for the Horseshoe Casino to open on March 4, and they want everybody to know they’ll be doing their part to help the local economy, and all you Soreheads in the Suburbs should treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve and stop calling them “syphilitic whores” when you drive by and see them strolling in from of the Margaretville window.
And will we get a Naked Cowboy (like Times Square) when the Casino opens? The parking lot at the new Horseshoe Casino is larger than the parking garage at CVG. The Horseshoe will probably have more people there anyway, since once inside, suckers won’t be able to afford to leave town.
- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says last night everybody who wasn’t celebrating Mardi Gras on Mainstrasse was really interested in what Kentucky’s junior senator Rand Paul had to say when he delivered the Tea Party response to Obama’s State of Dis-Union Address, which will probably be after another Tea Party favorite Republican Florida Senator Marco Rubio delivers the Republican Party’s answer to Obama’s State of Dis-Union Address. And people say the Tea Party is dead?
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHERIFF: Does Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil have his act together or what? He’s already replaced Semper Si’s name on all his county vehicles. He’s given his deputies a much-needed raise. And he’s even listed as a one of Charles Foster Kane’s Faux Facebook Friends. Now if he’d only get his deputies working on that Penis Line-up in Anderson, maybe our wellborn woman could make an identification of Masturbating Trustee Kevin O’Brien that could stand up in court.
One of our new sheriff’s finest arrested Steven Roberts, 31, and Shlischa Martin, 42, for bumping uglies in the “No Fucking Zone” at the downtown branch of the Hamilton County Pubic Library on Monday. Had they waited until Thursday on Valentine’s Day, it would’ve been OK.
- SPEAKING OF LIBRARIES: the Anderson branch still hasn’t received its annual supply of IRS 1040 Tax Forms for all those patriotic people who just can’t wait to work on their own taxes. But not to worry, you can always pick up whatever you need at “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s Ohio’s Second District Congressional Office, at 7954 Beechmont Avenue, directly across the street from the Anderson Tea Party Headquarters.
ALSO IN ANDERSON: Ever since the Angry Anderson TEA party fell asleep and gave Forrest Gump School Board candidate and now member Jim “Fool-man” a pass in 2011, the “Fool-man” has voted to place every new and old tax levy on the ballot. How bad is he? He’s so bad that at the last “tax increase meeting” (that’s how they refer to all Forrest Gump School Board meetings now) even noted taxaholics Randy Smith and Julie Bissinger did not vote for the latest tax increase.
Did anybody notice that the way white people are reproducing nowadays, which is not at all, the Gumpers will have shut down two elementary school buildings before the new $60 million Wilson School is paid off?
Has WLW Hate Radio’s Darryl Parks started telling people “Anybody who votes for a school levy is stupid” yet? Actually, the Tax Raisers don’t want you to know about their “stealth election,” and they don’t want you to know how much their “Special Election” on the May ballot will be costing over-taxed payers in Anderson. Not to worry, Overpaid Teachers will still get to indoctrinate their students and campaign on over-taxpayers’ time.
- MEANWHILE IN MILF-ORD: The Blower is sure that school board is telling its voters when they can expect the money to cover Obama’s Joke Vice President Joe Biden’s visit last fall.
MORE HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE: Twenty-two years ago this week, Edition #37 (published on February 12, 1991) of the original printed edition of The Whistleblower (not the Newswire) featured Charles Foster Kane’s Real Editorial about winning the peace in Iraq, along with reports that Anti-war protesters were beside themselves for not being advised of Jane Fonda’s visit to Cincinnati and an Amish Pro-War Rally scheduled on Fountain Square.- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: With news that Ohio Republican Governor Kasich was sucking up to the Black Caucus in Columbus, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about this year’s Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month, now called Half-Black History Month in honor Obama).
Kane and Buckwheat Blackwell are finalists, and Award-winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception thinks those guys have a pretty good chance.
MARDI GRAS SLUTS FOR OBAMA HOT LINE
e-mail your floozy grams today.
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers, like these local lovelies looking their sluttiest
Link of the Day
“When In Doubt, Raise Taxes”
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
