Friday, February 8, 2013
And Your Can’t Get Much Localer Than This
- IN CLERMONT COUNTY: These days the Cronies can hardly believe it’s been an entire year since The Blower devoted its entire e-dition to the Archie Wilson Scandal, and they all asked us to reprise out Top Ten List in Archie’s Honor.
So once again, it’s the top ten reasons the Resigned in Disgrace Former Clermont County Commissioner Archie Wilson traded drugs for sex with hooker who called herself “Amanda Lay” at a sleazy motel in Northern Kentucky:
10. I forgot
9. The dog ate it
8. She told me she loved me
7. I did it to help the homeless
6. The Devil made me do it
5. I just wanted to be loved–is there anything wrong with that?
4. I’m a Tea Party Republican
3. I was framed
2. This whole thing is just one big terrible mistake
…and the Number One Reason Resigned in Disgrace Former Clermont County Commissioner Archie traded drugs for sex with hooker who called herself Amanda Lay at a sleazy motel in Northern Kentucky is… the guys at GOP Headquarters and the campaign manager of my first political campaign for Batavia Township Trustee (none other than That Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Bought-and-paid-For Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt) said nobody would ever find out.
Editor’s Note: We’ve successfully used the format for this Whistleblower Top Ten List for every sex scandal for more than twenty two years, ever since 1991 when The Whistleblower used to be printed and delivered all over all over town. Items 4. (in this case “I’m a Tea Party Republican”) and the Number One people who said “nobody would ever find out” have always been changed, according to whom the Top Ten List was dedicated. Amazingly, it’s just as good today as it ever was.
IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says yesterday everybody could hardly wait for Ohio RINO Party Boss Boob Bennett’s news conference to refute Disingenuous DemocRAT attacks on Ohio Republican Governor John Kasich’s Ohio Jobs Budget 2.0. The Blower wonders if the Boobster was also there to applaud the way Kasich caved in on ObamaCare, that has most Tea Party Patriots so outraged these days.
Tea Party Tim says groups all over the Buckeye state have finally come out against Kasich’s tax expansion, Medicaid expansion, and spending expansion budget. BUT only one of the seven Tea Party groups in Hamilton County immediately denounced the plan. That one group is those Angry Andersonians who are basically against everything and anything, which is why we pay so much attention to all of their activities.
For example, our local Tea Party Patriots sounded the alarm even before the ink was dry on Wednesday’s Forest Hills Urinal front page promotion piece for the Forrest Gump School Board’s proposed tax hike, less than a year after passing their previous tax levy, asking “When will it ever stop? This country is now $16.5 Trillion in debt and our local politicians just want to add more debt to it.”
IN HAMILTON COUNTY: Reacting to Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP’s “Groveling for Candidates,” A Real Republican asks if anyone has ever succeeded when asked to do something as a favor to Alex T? Has anyone ever gotten up off the couch and done something well when prompted by a mass e-mail? The message shouldn’t be “We need you to run” but “We have a stable of candidates and here are some great things about them.” He needs to make people want to join them. The Army had a huge problem with recruitment in the 70s after Vietnam. They had two wimpy slogans “Join the People Who Have Joined the Army” and “The Army Wants to Join You!” Then, in the 80s, one of the Army’s generals who was in charge of personnel and recruiting adopted and shaped the “Be All That You Can Be” campaign and recruitment soared. That General, by the way, was the late H. Norman Schwarzkopf.
And where oh where has Mike Robinson gone, oh where oh where can he be? Whistleblower Persons of Consequence all over the community are wondering where Alex T.’s fair-haired boy Mike Robinson has landed. He worked in the Courthouse until recently when he left Tracy Winkler’s office to run the “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup Congressional Campaign. (Not the hard campaign for the primary, but the easy one for the general election. Everyone was sure all that hard work and being late for every single event he attended would bode well for Mike’s being hired in the local congressional office, at its so-far undisclosed location. But so far, his name is not on the list. Perhaps he went to work for another Republican office holder, but who would that be? It really doesn’t matter because we know Alex T. would have signed off on any job he takes. We know he could never work for a DemocRAT, could he?
Meanwhile, a disabled Hamilton County voter claims he was denied public records from GOP Director of the Board of Elections A. L. Searcy that wound up as the lead story on Channel “Substantially True” News. Meanwhile, the Cranky Conservative is wondering if that woman has issues with disabled males.
The Indigent Care Levy (Issue 37 passed by Hamilton County voters in 2011) increased the amount a home owner pays to support the poor. A homeowners pays $45.87 per $100,000 valuation of their homes. If Obama Care expands Medicare and requires every person have insurance in 2014, shouldn’t we repeal this levy? Why should the working stiff pay twice… once to provide insurance to the needy and then support the poor (who will have insurance coverage) at a hospital. Isn’t this a duplication of payments to the poor?
MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Nancy Pelosi’s “We have to pass ObamaCare so we know what’s in it.”- IN CINCINNATI: Is it true that Loony Libertarian Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns (who made news this week asking our Nine Fine Clowns at the City Hall Circus to save $400,000 this year by eliminating mayoral primary election on September 10), now plans to call for a resolution against the use of drones over Cincinnati, simply because he likes to take nude sunbaths in the back yard of his home on North Bend Road.
And Over-Taxed Payers’ prayers have been answered: We don’t need no stinking money for the Trolley Folly to take the visitors to the casino. They’re planning on using a shuttle service!!
IN ANDERSON: Wednesday night, the Anderson Township Republican Central Committee endorsed incumbent Trustee President Peggy Reis and Josh Gerth (President of the Anderson Republican Club and the Anderson Park Board) for the two trustee slots in this fall’s elections. Not endorsed were Outcast Republican Greg Delev and Disgraced Current Masturbating Trustee Kevin “Big Spanky” O’Brien, running as unindicted co-conspirators totally supporting the Forrest Gump School Tax Hike, fully supported by the Anderson Agnostics at the Forest Hills Urinal.
Commenting on Greg’s second guest column in the Urinal in two weeks prior to his trustee announcement, our Astonished Andersonian writes: Well, at least he now seems to be back on his meds, he’s located the period and the comma on his keyboard, and he’s come out in favor of verbs. Bully for him! As a result, after grading his last effort with an “F,” I’m giving him a “D” on this one. He’s written his latest, long-winded essay with complete sentences, but by the time it reaches its torturous end it still fails to draw a conclusion. WTF is he trying to say? It’s about as clear as the Beechmont Levee on a foggy morning. His topic is development in Anderson Township, but except for a couple of vague hints that he might be talking about the casino, he doesn’t seem to have any position on it, except for some blather about “economic-base activities” and the “public and private sectors” working together. After all, we all know that “the devil…er, I mean…the Delev is in the details.” So, does he also like mom, apple pie, and Chevrolet? ‘Guess we’ll just have to wait for his next effort.
Dear “Astonished,” Every time Greg decides to do something really stupid (like run for public office), his enablers at the Forest Hills Urinal run a guest column for him as a kickoff present. This time they’ve already run two.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1587, Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded, but many Whistleblower subscribers remember that time when we showed the picture of “TaxKiller Tom” cutting “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s head off that cake.- GAY WAY UPDATE: Commenting on Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall pictures in yesterday’s e-dition showing the difference between the blatant hetero-sexual fans in Baltimore and kissing fags in San Francisco, Whistleblower Alternative Life-Style Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKevis say it looked like it could have been one of the bars we were in on Sunday out in San Francisco. The beer was flowing. We gay guys know that football requires beer. Now those Baltimore fans, on the other hand, seem to be in a fenced-in area of some sort without adequate beverages. And the hot babe is being ogled by a fat, ugly woman who could be Judge Ghizzy.
- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo wonders if you remember last month when Hollywood Liberal Ashley Judd said she’s “taking a close look” at a potential run against Senate Minority Leader Obama’s Bitch McConnell in 2014.
Somebody must be taking Ashley seriously, because on Wednesday, Karl Rove’s Super PAC American Crossroads targeted the actress in a brutal attack ad.
By protecting McConnell, Karl Rove and company are finally out front with their disdain for the conservative movement. Conservatives’ battle will be a long, hard slog against the establishment. And as Breitbart says, “We will prevail, because we actually believe in core principles and a cause greater than our egos and money.”
LEGAL BRIEFS: That Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Still Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) wonders why when “Crazy Eric” Deters sent NoKY’s second most infamous sex-ed teacher and ex-Bun-Gal Sarah Jones to pander herself on 700WLW Hate Radio, “Crazy Eric’s” enabler Bill Cunningham didn’t warn his legal associate about going out of state without telling her probation officer. “I’m not a real lawyer,” explained the Radio Trash Talker, “I just play one on the radio.”- FINALLY, AFTER LAST NIGHT’S SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the Forrest Gump School Board’s timing of its putting their big tax hike on the May 7 ballot. “Great idea,” Kane explained. “All those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Voters just re-elected Obama, and maybe they all still like pissing all their money away. Looking at how much school taxes they pay on their property tax bills should’ve convinced all by the most dumbed-down on the voting rolls.” What we need is WLW Hate Radio’s Darryl Parks to start telling people “Anybody who votes for a school levy is stupid.”
STORIES WE’RE WORKING ON
Obama MIA Night of Benghazi Attack- Kerry and Obama falling asleep at Prayer Breakfast
- House Passes Bipartisan Bill Mandating Obama Estimate When Budget Will Be Balanced
- 86-Year-Old Woman Uses Gun on Intruder
- Should CNN’s Obese Employees Be Publicly Shamed Into Losing Weight?
- Drones spotted over Hamilton County
- Obama promises “The best is yet to come!”
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they wanted to spend Valentine’s Day:
(A) A romantic dinner: 8%
(B) Remembering better days: 2%
(C) Surfing the net for old girlfriends: 21%
(D) Having hot sex: 69% (no kidding)
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Procrastinator Punished
This week, everybody who thinks Valentine’s Day should be a national holiday e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
Our winner is well-known postponer Danny Dawdler, who says, “Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till next week.” But Danny advises you not to forget St. Valentine’s Day. Your car will be covered in guano. Not only without a good roll in the hay, you’ll likely be singing soprano
Danny wins an autographed copy of Lothario Leach’s new book, “Dating Tips for Horny Guys,” a Whitman’s Sampler with all the chocolate-covered cherries already eaten, a copy of The Blower’s Top Ten Things Men Shouldn’t Say Out Loud When They’re Shopping for a Valentine’s Day Gift at Victoria’s Secret, and a gift basket of clitoral vibrators and such from Dildo World CEO Patty Brisben, just like the ones Joe “The Gals in the Office All Love Me” Braun arranged for his Strauss & Troy partners to give to their spouses and girl friends. His winning entry is:
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, will there be hell that you pay
You are in deep trouble
But if you grovel and grovel
You might get some by next May.
Other Dishonorable Mentions Include:
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Is it a sign of your love’s decay?
Are you so obsessed with Obama
That you can’t take care of yo’ Mama,
‘Cause that tingle in your leg’s still in play?
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
You will pay, boy will you pay
Better make up to her
With jewelry and fur
Or wait till July to get laid
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
And that he was martyred in a most cruel way,
Just think what might happen to you
If you fail to give your spouse her due:
Your tube steak will be served as a filet.
Our Good Friend Bobby Leach sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, oy boy, will you ever pay
You will have to give and you’ll give
For as long as you live.
On the outside chance you’ll get laid.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
Show her you care in an original way.
With a new drill bit or a Swiffer
With you she won’t differ,
And she’ll know that your love’s no cliché!
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
No matter how much you say,
“I’m sorry, my dear,”
It is perfectly clear
That you ain’t gonna get laid.
Joe Braun Sent Us These
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
To ensure that your partner will stay:
Just promise her a little piece
Of Obama’s Porkulus fleece:
It’s sure to put her passions in play.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
When you do, there’s not much you can say;
To get out of trouble,
It’ll at least cost you double,
For forgiveness, there’s a higher price to pay.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
No matter what you might say
You might beg, you might plea
But she’ll make you see
It’ll be August until you get laid.
Horny in Hebron sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
There is nothing good you can say,
Forgive you she will not,
For the roses you “forgot”,
And for the rest of your life, you will pay!
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a roll in the hay
Take my advice
And just pay the price
It’ll take diamonds to make it OK.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
It matters not a bit what you say
Get an expensive present
That she won’t resent
You know how that game she will play
“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a nice roll in the hay.
She might even fake
A permanent headache
Which will bother you only if you’re not gay
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
But still hope for a roll in the hay
Don’t hold your breath,
She’ll snub you to death,
You’ll score when Hell freezes away.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Guess what price you’re gonna pay?
When you jump into bed
Your sex life will be DEAD,
But remember, you can still buy something on E-bay!
“In Russ We Trust” Jackson sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Oh, boy, oh boy, will you pay
You’ll have to wait
Till September the eighth
If you ever want to get laid.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And you don’t know quite what to say
Just tell her, ya’ know
You had to shovel the snow
Maybe she’ll buy that, okay?
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And you’re looking for a roll in the hay
Your only hope for gratification
Rhymes with (… uh, you know)
Unless, of course, you are gay.
Archie Wilson sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
Let me tell you there will be Hell to pay.
Buy diamonds, my friend
Don’t sweat how much you spend,
Every kiss begins with Kay.
Don’t get some stupid Vermont Teddy Bear
Or half-naked nightie that she’ll never wear,
She don’t give a damn
‘Bout no stupid PajamaGram
Get her two carats shaped marquis, round, or pear.
Rob “Fighting for Free Love” Portman sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t hope for a roll in the hay.
You got no Vermont Teddy Bear
Or sexy pajamas she can wear,
So now you are going to pay.
You coulda got chocolates or flowers,
Or helped do the housework for a few hours,
But you sat on your rear,
Ate Doritos and drank beer,
And took Viagra to restore your “powers.”
Maybe this time you’ll learn your lesson,
And regret to your girl you’ll be confessin’
Do better next year
Or you will live in fear
That she’ll come after you with her Smith & Wesson.
And from our Anderson Laureate, who says “I never knew so many romantic guys read The Blower”:
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
There’s a helluva price you will pay
Women are aware
Of how much you care
They judge by things you do, not just say.
But if by chance you have an excuse,
Ask her if she’ll grant you a truce,
Swear you’ll never forget
A Valentine’s card to get
And buy her a bottle of fermented grape juice.
If you happen to be a lucky cookie
You might end up getting some nookie
But if you don’t score
Try not to get sore,
It just proves you’re a sexual rookie.
Oh by the way, don’t fall for that ad on TV
With the Vermont Teddy Bear for a large fee
They won’t think it’s from Cupid
Girls aren’t that stupid
I can tell you it didn’t work for me.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“This year’s State of Dis-Union Address.”
VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT GUIDE HOT LINE
e-mail your erotic inspirations today.
Some really romantic items in today’s Blower were sent in by our really romantic subscribers.
Link of the Day
Belated Reagan Birthday Greetings
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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