Monday, December 31, 2012
Top Ten List
Today it’s the Top Ten Ways you know it’s about time for 2012 to be over:
10. Obama finally emerges from his $4 Million over-taxed payer funded family Cliff-mas vacation in Hawaii (with borrowed money) for more political theatre over attempts to avoid sending America over that “Fiscal Cliff,” DemocRAT Senate Leader Harry Reid and Republican Minority Leader Bitch McConnell agree to appear to work on a deal through the weekend, and everybody’s waiting for GOP Speaker of the House John Boehner to cave.
9. The nation reaches its $16.394 Trillion Debt Ceiling.
8. Ohio RINO Party Boss Boob Bennett asks for more money to help “keep up the momentum” that turned the Buckeye State “Blue” in November.
7. Criminals all over Hamilton County are ready to go a-ridin’ into town, a whampin’ and whompin’ every livin’ thing that moves within an inch of its life as soon as Sheriff Simon Leis is out of office.
6. Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory and his new Extreme Liberal City Clown-cil plan to continue to tax-and-spend like when Obama controlled both Houses of Congress in 2009.
5. Forest Hills Urinal Editor Eric Spangler publishes 52nd 2012 e-dition covering up for incompetent and dishonest local elected officials.
4. Ohio Second District Congressman-Elect “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s Inexperienced and Incompetent Transition Team contracts for a brand new District Office, but won’t tell anybody where it is.
3. Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters files his final frivolous lawsuit for 2012.
2. Politicians’ last-minute e-mails remind you that you only have a few more hours to send in your 2012 contributions before the end of the year.
…and the Number One Way you know it’s about time for 2012 to be over is… Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane just finished this year’s list of his political predictions that came true, so now it’s time for the Whistleblower New Year’s Eve Party to begin.
Another Empathy Statement
As the Old Year comes to an end, The Blower would like to cease and desist from our customary daily political bashing to offer our empathy for all those affected by misfortunes and disasters during the past year. To be hit so hard by circumstances beyond your control is often too much for many people to bear. Who’ll ever forget the wretched sobs of those poor souls bemoaning their fates on Election Night? But enough about Romney Supporters Anonymous already!
Our First Prediction for 2013
Tired of reading what to expect for the New Year?
Unimpressed by crystal-ball forecasts and psychic predictions?
Couldn’t care less about whose ugly baby was born first?
Bored by lame lists of “who’s in” and “who’s out?”
Turned off by self-righteous editorials dictating resolutions for everyone else to keep?
Repulsed by repetitious recaps of celebrities who died last year and fresh faces for the year ahead?
Unable to invest in all those sure-fire year-end stock market tips?
Sick of suggestions by the same pretentious Tri-staters on how to handle the same issues and challenges in 2013 that they screwed up in 2012?
In short, are you over-dosed on all that silly end-of-the-year media hype that serves no purpose except to take up space?
You are? What a freaking coincidence! We asked the Magic Eight Ball, and it predicted you’d say “Yes.”
Ode to the New Year
Oh, the New Year’s a’comin’,
It don’t look so hot.
Yes, the New Year’s a’comin’.
Unfortunately I’m not.
From “The Best Loved Poems in the World” by Bunky Tadwell, The Bard of Cleves
Now here’s a picture of Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane giving away free copies of The Blower to some of the less fortunate members of the community during the holidays.
Bluegrass Bacchanalia
At last year’s New Year’s Eve party, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo found out three things that were difficult for Michael “Liquid” Plummer to say after he’d had too much to drink at Miss Vicki’s New Year’s Eve party: “Indubitably,” “Preliminary,” and “Nuclear Proliferation.”
A little later, CamBoo found out three more things that are very difficult to say when you’ve had too much to drink: “Specificity,” “Transubstantiate,” and of course, “Antidisestablishmentarianism.”
But by the end of the evening, CamBoozler discovered three things that are downright impossible to say when you’re drunk: “Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex”; “Nope, no more booze for me”; and “Oh, no, I just couldn’t. No one really wants to hear me sing.”
Whistleblower Web Poll
Today, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they’d like to celebrate New Year’s Eve tonight:
(A) Drinking crappy champagne: 2%
(B) Breaking New Year’s resolutions: 1%
(C) Watching the ball drop on TV: 3%
(D) Having hot sex: 94%
Playtime for Philanderers
This week, everybody who chose “Option (D)” on this week’s Web Poll above e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is our Foreclosed Four-Flushing Philanderer, who says there’s nothing special about New Year’s Eve; it’s is just another opportunity to hit on other guys’ wives.
Our Foreclosed Four-Flusher wins a list of 1,000 married women who like to boink, a list of 1,001 excuses for when he comes home late, a two-hour matinee in the Airport Holiday Inn’s “Cheat Suite” and once again, his name in The Whistleblower. His winning entry is:
This year my New Year’s celebration,
Could be marred by a big complication.
If I start in too early,
With a married lady named Shirley,
The result could be premature ejaculation.
Now Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us a picture of some of the people who wish they could crash tonight’s invitation-only Whistleblower New Year’s Eve Party. Can you identify who they are?
END-OF-THE-YEAR HOT LINE
e-mail your insight and analysis today.
Some almost over items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally almost over subscribers.
Links of the Day
Happy New Year 2013 Greeting
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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