Saturday, December 29, 2012

Another obligatory year-end ritual for pandering publications is a list of local celebrity resolutions. Here’s some we’ll probably see:

• “JAYWALKING JOE” DETERS: call murderers and rapists “scum” like I used to do in good old days.
• OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH: Color Ohio “Blue” on the new state maps.
• MILLIONAIRE REPUBLICAN U.S. SENATOR ROB “FIGHTING FOR FORGETFULNESS” PORTMAN: attend the next Romney Supporters Anonymous Meeting in Goshen.
• FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: try to find a little “Feck.”
• COAST AND THE NAALCP: No matter how irrelevant we may become, make sure we make lots of money for Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney and SMLP Smithermouth.
• AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION: make fun of more politicians, like when that Tea Party Congressman compared John Boehner to Mel Gibson’s Braveheart..
• TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Get ready for the 2013 Elections on November 5.
• DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA: Make sure Judge Mrs. $tan Che$ley counts the votes until all unqualified liberal Black judicial candidates are elected.
• HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP: concentrate on something really important, like finding more Facebook friends.
• GREEDY HEARSE-CHASING, DISGRACED-DEMOCRAT CLINTON-LOVING, FEN-PHEN SCANDAL PLAGUED, NOT-YET-INDICTED TRIAL ATTORNEY $TAN CHE$LEY: try not to wake up the Kentucky Bar Association.
• WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL: Reveal the name of her next “Political Philanderer.”
• BLUE CHIP YOUNG REPUBLICANS: find some decent speakers to appear at our meetings.
• STEVE CHABOTHEAD: donate Amazing Chabot Head royalties to Jack Atherton’s Home for the Hairless.
• THAT LAME-DUCK, CORRUPT, EVICTED, LYING, PLAGIARIZING, MEDDLING, OVERBLOWN, BOUGHT-AND-PAID-FOR, TAX-AND-SPEND, WRINKLE-PUSS RINO BITCH-IN-A-DITCH MEAN JEAN SCHMIDT: Plot her political comeback.
• “BRONZE STAR BRAD” WENSTRUP’S INEXPERIENCED-AND-INCOMPETENT TRANSITION TEAM: Make sure somebody knows the location of Ohio’s Second Congressional District Office in Anderson Township.
• TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Issue a grassroots call to action to replace GOP House Speaker John Boehner in the January 3 vote.
• REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: Support Former Sheriff Simon Leis’ return to the Hamilton County Courthouse as a visiting judge.
• CINCINNATI’S DAINTY DEMOCRAT MAYOR MARK MALLORY: Work on my legacy.
• “JOHN BOY” CRANLEY AND “FOXY ROXY” QUALLS: Try to convince people you’d do a better job running the city than Loony Libertarian Jim Berns.
• CINCINNATI’S STILL UNTESTED POLICE CHIEF JAMES CRAIG: Get a hold of some really great Cheat Sheets.
• HAMILTON COUNTY COMMISSIONERS: Devote more time to raising taxes and spending over-taxed payers’ money.
• WARREN COUNTY COMMISSIONER DAVE YOUNG: More appearances on National TV for running a debt-free county government.
• CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN: laugh all the way to the bank.
• DISGRACED ANDERSON TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE KEVIN O’BRIEN: Try to get another delay at my public masturbation trial in January.
• FOREST HILLS URINAL EDITOR ERIC SPANGLER: continue to cover-up for incompetent and dishonest local elected officials.
• BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO: Find a few more good NoKY snitches.
• KENTUCKY’S FORMER FOURTH DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN GOOF DOOFUS: Spend a lot more time with my fellow lobbyists.
• U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL: Start more rumors about my 2016 Presidential Campaign.
• CAMPBELL COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE STEVE SPENDERY: Waste more over-taxed payers’ money in 2013 so I’ll deserve my Official Whistleblower Nickname.
• KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E. ROB SANDERS: find a bigger place for next year’s Christmas Party.
• ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY, BIG MOUTH, MOST SANCTIONED, AMBULANCE CHASER, NO COUNT OF A RADIO HOST, SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTER, WILLIE WANNABE, WHY HAVEN’T I BEEN DISBARRED, WHO LIKES BULLDOGS AND FAILED ROADHOUSE OPERATOR” DETERS: hope my frivolous lawsuit against The Fishwrap goes better than my landmark debacle against Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and The Whistleblower.
• ALONG WITH KANE, CLUELESS MARC WILSON AND SCOTT “PASS THE BISCUITS” KIMMICH: 100% attendance at ALL Weight Gainers meetings.
• MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH: Learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.
• HORNY IN HEBRON: check out more of those Wilder Women.
• VANILLA HILLS VIGILANTE: Get City Clown-cil to change the city’s name to “Vanilla Down-Hills.”
• MISS VICKI: Publish a complete list of all those Uptight Bitches in Fort Thomas who faked their orgasms on World Orgasms for Peace Day.
• OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH: e-mail more vile-and-disgusting photos to The Blower.
• DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN OBAMA SUPPORTERS: Ignore the economy and higher taxes.
• HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Continue trying to teach people that “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
• QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE: Try to find a better line than “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
• WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES: promise if we can’t find anything nice to say about somebody, to e-mail The Blower immediately!

These are the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions. Any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you may see published elsewhere are surely fake.

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Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.

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