Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Terrorists Attack Cincinnati
Despite an Orange Alert from Doppler Radar Central, a diverse group of terrorists struck at the heart of Cincinnati on Christmas Day when they invaded Fountain Square and set fire to the 80-foot high Amazing Chabot Head that had been decorated for Christmas with the Star of Dubya on top.
“The display was totally insensitive,” said a swarthy spokesman for the terrorists, who claimed credit for the attack. “It failed to commemorate the festivals of Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, and the Wiccan Sabbat of Yule. Everyone knows Chabot is just a mean-spirited, bigoted Republican who hates all Arabs, Jews, Druids, and Black people.” Amazingly, Butler County Racial Racketeer Gary Hines, the racist crazies from the Coalition for a Jew-free Cincinnati, Belligerent Black Blogger Nate “Rhymes With Hate” Livingston, and lobbyists for the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center took part in the attack.
We know WLW Racist in Residence Bill Cunningham is still mocking the mourning of Godfather of Soul James Brown and once again told his listeners Kwanzaa wasn’t a real holiday and the politically correct scam had only been made up during the height of the black power movement by a militant Marxist ex-con in 1966 (Probably another one of those guys Obama swears he never met). But the WLW Hate Radio trash talker really didn’t have to tell all those little Black children listening to his radio show that there really wasn’t a Kwanzaa Klaus and it was really just their unwed parents who were stealing their stuff?- Our Late Night TV Jokewatcher remembers Conan O’Brien’s Kwanzaa gag in 2007: “President Bush hosted his annual Kwanzaa party. He said that it was important to remember the reason for Kwanzaa and that is a guy name Kwan came and died for our sins.”
Four years ago, columnist Ann Coulter said Conservatives’ triumph over this synthetic PC holiday had been nearly complete. The only mentions of Kwanzaa she’d seen were humorous ones. (Tell Ann to check today’s Fishwrap.)
Kwanzaa 2012 will probably not be getting a big boost from the Obamas. Barry’s White half does not personally celebrate Kwanzaa, according to White House aides, though a phony Kwanzaa Twitter from the beach in Hawaii is always possible.- In 2008, it was the first time in eight years that President George Bush failed to issued “Kwanzaa Greetings” to honor this phony non-Christian holiday. Finally, the Bushies got it! Unfortunately, you can still see the Bushes’ 2007 “Kwanzaa Greetings” on the internet.
SMLP Chris Smithermouth says he would be going on another one of his hunger strikes during Kwanzaa. No, the former NAALCP President didn’t have anything special to protest— it’s just that sometimes Kwanzaa food is really crappy.
The Family Channel broadcast Christmassy movies all day on Christmas Eve and Christmas. The Religious Channel showed “King of Kings,” the Weather Channel showed Christmas weather all over the country, the Lesbian Channel showed Muff Divers’ Christmas Stories, and the Comedy Channel showed Adam Sandler’s “Eight Crazy Nights” about Hanukkah, but when TBS once again aired “A Christmas Story” 12 times in a row including commercials on Christmas, “Goof Doofus couldn’t stay awake for the entire 24 hours. So he taped it. Last year he went to Blockbuster and rented 12 copies.
For the next seven days during our Cinci-Kwanzaabration, you’ll hear all your favorite Kwanzaa music on one of the local Obama radio stations. You’ll hear songs on the Rhymin’ Reverends record label, including such family favorites as: “I’ll Be Home for Kwanzaa,” “Have a Holly Jolly Kwanzaa,” “I Saw Mommy Doin’ Kwanzaa Klaus,” “Little Kwanzaa Boy,” “We Wish You a Merry Kwanzaa,” “Oh, Kwanzaa Tree,” and Revrum Lynchmob singing “I’m Dreaming of a White Woman.” Also included will be the late Ruth Lyons and Fat Pat Barry singing “Grandma Got Run Over By a Wildebeest,” Stevecia Reece singing “All I Want for Kwanzaa (Is All You Got)” along with our Jungle Fever Boy (who is now a Judge) and the Deveroe’s Yoof Choir singing “Leroy de Gold-Toothed Reindeer.”
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says the fake Kwanzaa holiday is not widely celebrated in Northern Kentucky, except where pandering City Commissioners added the name Martin Luther King Boulevard to Twelfth Street in oh-so-politically-correct Covington. Elsewhere on the South Shore, Black folks enjoy hearing White people singing the un-revised version of the state song, where at “My Old Kentucky Home,” the darkies are always happy and gay. And at the Kenton County Escape Center, one of Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl’s houseguests asked us to send out his family holiday greetings to all of those diverse readers who make up The Blower’s audience.
De Night Befo’ Kwanzaa
As read to children of soon-to-be-laid-off Cincinnati residents by Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory’s hand-picked City Mangler Chocolate Doughboy Milton Dohoney. Besides losing their jobs, these children’s parents also won’t be getting the first day of Kwanzaa off with pay today since the African-American majority on Clown-cil forgot to give them their paid holiday declared by President Obama.
‘Twas the night befo’ Kwanzaa, and down in de ‘hood
All the homeys was hopin’ de crack would be good
The workshoes were hung where they’d never be used
Since the welfare system is so well abused
With Riot Rooters on Clown-cil at City Hall
Waiting for Lynchmob to pay them a call
I in my workclothes sat back with a case
After ten hours of sweat, it was time to get faced
After the tenth, I was totally waxed
And wondered aloud, when will piss become taxed
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I slipped as I zipped with a half-empty bladder
Then what to my wondering eyes did appear?
A fat old black man, a gold ring in his ear
He said, “I’m Father Kwanzaa, and Santa is dead
So git yo’ white ass on back into yo’ bed!
For The Herald rules, and Nate is our man,
So out of yo’ pockets, and into our hands!
Your money in taxes, empowerment grants,
You’re lucky I don’t take those baggy-assed pants!”
Then he ransacked my house, even took my last beer,
And said with a voice full of holiday cheer,
“Keep workin’ those days, keep workin’ those nights,
Happy Kwanzaa to all –
Don’t it SUCK TO BE WHITES!”
On tonight’s BET Kwanzaa special, we can all enjoy
“The Three Black Stooges.”
Now let’s all sing “The Seven Days of Kwanzaa” with The CamBoo Chorus at the Newport Peace Bell:
On the Seventh Day of Kwanzaa, De K-Man brought to me…
Seven plates of ribs,
Six reverends rhyming,
Five golden teeth…
Four blacks on clown-cil,
Three credit cards,
Two city jobs,
and Ken Lawson as your attorney.
Now here’s a picture of to help us all celebrate the first day of our glorious CInci Kwanzaabration.
MORE PHONY HOLIDAYS HOT LINE
e-mail your ridiculous examples today.
Some phony-holiday bashing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony-holiday bashing subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Kwanzaa Links of the Day
Twisted Greetings – Happy Kwanzaa
PLUS
Merry Christmas or Happy Kwanzaa: Office bullsh!t
Charlie Brown Kwanzaa
Twelve Days of Kwanzaa
White Kwanzaa
Bobby Leach’s All-time Favorite Kwanzaa Song
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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