Friday, December 14, 2012
Boehner: “I Have Not Yet Caved”
PRESIDENTIAL PRIORITIES: Is Obama focused like a laser on averting that Fiscal Cliff? Sure he is, but he still manages a few rounds of golf while only once meeting face to face with House Speaker John A. Boehner, the man with whom he is supposedly trying to strike a deal on taxes and spending that could prevent another recession. And what with those 25 White House Holiday parties scheduled, there’s no time for Boehner.- DUMBED DOWN DRIVERS: What do dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span DemocRATS like Dan Traicoff, Constance Lighthall, and Cathina Hourani have in common? They’ll all be driving up to Columbus next Monday to represent Southwest Ohio when Ohio’s “Electors” cast their ballots for Obama in the so-called Electoral College voting. Just think how happy they’ll be when their taxes go up after Obama leads America over the Fiscal Cliff during the Dark Ages of the Divided States of America.
Romney Supporters Anonymous in Goshen have scheduled a special meeting for Monday night.
Meanwhile, there’s still a way for Obsessive Obama Supporters like Shannon and Jennifer to show their love for our Obamessiah during the Christmas Season. That’s why this limited commemorative edition “Obama, Yes We Did Village” ornament for only $14.99 plus God only knows how much for shipping and handling, will look so great on your Obamamas Tree, as Obama Supporters in the Press continue to promise their millions of gullible Obama followers, it will still be just like “1,461 More Days of Christmas” during Obama’s second term. Proceeds will of course benefit Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1799, George Washington (the man described by fellow soldier and Virginian Henry Lee as “first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen”) died at his Mount Vernon estate in Virginia, and Obama Supporters are still working to have “Obama Day” on January 20 declared a National Holiday so they can get another day off with pay.- MEANWHILE IN CONGRESS: Dimwit DemocRAT House Minority Leader “Nutty Nancy” Pelosi is now accusing Republicans of “Lack of Concern” for the fake black holiday called Kwanzaa in only twelve more days.
- MEDIA MENDACITY: Has there been any union thug violence in Lansing, Michigan after Republican Governor Rick Snyder signed that Right to Work legislation at the statehouse? Not according to those “See No Evil” reporters at ABC, CBS, or NBC on the TV nightly news.
OUR LATE NIGHT JOKEWATCHER liked David Letterman’s “Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don’t you?”- HOLIDAY HYPOCRITES: So-called Anti-Tax Organization COAST was proud to announce Ohio Second District Congressman-elect “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup and Hamilton County Commissioner Chris Monzel will be attending its Christmas Party on Monday. What a hypocritical event that’s going to be! Maybe our Congressional Podiatrist will explain why he told Former Fishwrapper Howard Wilkinson on WVXU that he didn’t sign the over-taxed payers’ pledge because it was “too complicated,” and our supposedly Conservative County Commissioner Monzel can explain why he voted with “Tax Hike” Hartmann to confiscate more money from over-taxed payers to give to “Millionaire Mike” Brown and his mismanagement team at the Bungals.
- ANGRY ANDREW at the Anderson Tea Party sent out an e-mail yesterday saying “We first need to defeat the Republicans, and then we can defeat the DemocRATS.”
That’s why our Quote for Today Committee changed the sex on this line delivered by Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: “By Jove, I think he’s got it!”
CHRISTMAS IN COLERAIN: Just in time for Christmas and the Winter Solstice the “Winter dump birds” have returned to the gigantic stinking mountain of YOUR trash on Colerain Ave. Just like the swallows at Capistrano and the buzzards at Hinckley, the sea gulls from hell return to the dump every winter. They eat from YOUR trash and them make deposits on those Northgate area shoppers’ cars. Do not take that parking place under the parking lot lights! It will take until next year to get that kind of mess off your windshield.
STILL IN A HOLIDAY MOOD, Adams County Historian Scott Seaman says “I love Christmas Lights, but they remind me of politicians! They all hang together, half the suckers don’t work, and the ones that do aren’t that bright.”Still,the Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau, located in East Jesus says those Amazing Amish Christmas Lights in the Wheat Ridge Community are really spectacular this year. If only Ohio Second District Congressman-Elect Congressman-Elect “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s Transition Team had given directions for the opening ceremonies last Saturday, all those people wouldn’t still be driving around every night looking for the lights.
ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER VERSE: For those of you planning to join Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane in attending TL-DCELPMOB-A-P-FT&SW-PRB-in-a-D’s over-taxed payer funded Christmas Party on December 21 at the Horseshoe Casino, let’s all sing the ninth verse of “Lame-Duck, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-and-paid-For, Tax-and-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt’s Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by Mean Jean’s Former Sister-in-Spending, Michelle Glass Slipper, who we recall as John Pepper’s $2,500 (originally reported to be $5,000) Whore (so she’s only half the Whore you thought she was), and who also betrayed her constituents by supporting more wasteful over-taxed payers’ spending for the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center. It goes something like this:
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, “Mean Jean” gave to me:
Nine Bills o’ Spending,
Eight Dems a Booing,
Seven Wits a Wagging,
Six Crooked Cronies,
Five Libelous Liars,
Four Screeching Tires,
Three Borgman Cartoons,
Two Red Dresses,
And One Old Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.
It’s really beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, isn’t it, Portman.
Now here’s an update on that problem plagued Company Christmas Party you’ve been reading about in The Blower.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All our Freaking Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: The Freaking Holiday Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
I have no freaking idea what this damn announcement is all about. What the hell do I care? I KNOW what I’m going to get. You change your address now and you are dead! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!
Vegetarians? I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you miserable bastards!
Patty, The Bitch from HELL!
NOW LET’S ALL WATCH Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and The Blower Christmas Dancers show why they’re favorites at holiday parties all over the tri-state.
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher about his Conservative Christmas Wish List. “The Dark Ages of Obama are continuing unabated, but here’s all I want,” Kane explained. “Obama: Impeached! Borders: Closed! Language: English! Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights! Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare! No Freebies to Non-Citizens! Also, a Balanced Budget Amendment, Tax Reform, and Term Limits for Congress.”
“Is there anything else you’d like to add to your Wish List,” somebody asked. “Sure,” Kane said. “I wish we won’t get 17 more e-mail copies of that “Conservative Christmas Wish List” I just gave you.
Bluegrass Blessings
The holidays are a time for peace on earth, good will towards all men. That’s why on Christmas every year Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo always goes to visit Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl at the Kenton County Escape Center and to share Christmas dinner with the less fortunate. The CamBoozler was so touched by his visit last year, he wrote this wonderful Christmas poem, sure to become a classic and be re-told by generations of inmates to come.
‘Twas Christmas in the Jail House,
All the inmates gathered there
Seated round the table
Waiting for their fare.
Enters then the jailer,
And softly to them calls,
“What do you want for Christmas?”
And the inmates answered “Balls!”
Then angry was the jailer,
And he swore by all the gods,
That he’d give no Christmas pudding
To such ungrateful clods.
Then up rose an ancient inmate
And in a voice as hard as brass
Said, “Take your Christmas pudding
And shove it up your ASS!”
- KEN CAMBOO says he can hardly wait for our Good Friend Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ annual Christmas Party at Sidebar in Covington on December 21, especially since The Whistleblower NoKY Legal Dream Team and the Cabal to Destroy “Crazy Eric Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) events are being combined.
Crazy Eric says he’ll be there too, if he’s not busy representing that poor drug suspect who was fired at by Dayton, Kentucky police merely for trying to run the officer over with his car.
- ANOTHER HOLIDAY PARTY The CamBoozler never misses is the Annual World Orgasm for Peace Day Orgy at the Fort Mitchell County Club, co-sponsored by Uptight Bitches in Ft. Mitchell and the Northern Kentucky Cougars’ Association. That godless pagan event is on December 21, just in time for Druids to celebrate the Winter Solstice. Marvin the Mayan says if the world does come to an end on December 21, he won’t have to pay for all that stuff he’s charging on his Discover card.
Miss Vicki says some people keep asking her if her Big “O” Party at the Fort Mitchell Country Club is “for real,” since they’re not 100% certain World Orgasm for Peace Day, being celebrated on the eve of the Winter Solstice next Tuesday is a real event.
- Finally, IS IT CHRISTMAS YET?
Stories We’reWorking On
-
Taxing the Liberal Rich - Senate DemocRATS urge repeal of ObamaCare
- Victims of Union Violence to Hold Press Conference
- Boehner Denies Existence of Purge List
- Hillary to Testify on Benghazi Next Week
- NBC Denounces “Religious” Part of Christmas
- Obama says, “The best is yet to come!”
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said you would know Jesus was Jewish:
(A) He was 30, unmarried, and still living at home: 2%
(B) He went into his father’s business: 2%
(C) He thought his mother was a virgin: 2%
(D) His mother thought he was God: 94%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Hanukkah Harry Came Last Night
This week, everybody who says if Hanukkah Harry can come for eight straight nights, he must really be on Viagra, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Sammy Schlepper, who says if you’re looking for something you would really like during the holidays, you should call Hanukkah Lewinsky, or just watch the Porn Channel on TV.
Sammy wins a big plate of greasy potato pancakes, just like Aunt Sophie used to make so he shouldn’t go hungry, but he shouldn’t eat till he plotzes; a gift certificate from Toys for Goys so he get some presents for the kiddalas, and a Yiddish dictionary so he can understand all the really funny words in a Mel Brooks movie. His winning limerick is:
The worst part of a Hanukkah rhyme
Is that you’re competing with other holiday time.
Kwanzaa, Ramadan, and others
Are favorites for all of da brothers
And if you ain’t inclusive, it’s a crime.
From Atheists in Amberley:
The Worst Part of a Hanukkah rhyme
Is you really haven’t the time
Though it’s eight days and nights
All you can think of is bites
Of potato latkes sublime.
The worst part of a Hanukkah rhyme,
To create a poem so sublime;
Is not being Jewish,
Or having a wife who is shrewish,
But finding a word that rhymes with dreidel.
The worst part of a Hanukkah rhyme,
It is such a long hill to climb
Whether serious or funny
Christmas cards make the money
A Chanukah verse ain’t worth a dime.
From Agnostics in Addyston:
The worst part of a Hanukkah rhyme
Is that it comes so close to Christmas time
Is it Christmas tree or Menorah?
Can’t do both because I’m poor-ah.
But at least I can say Merry Chrismas and l’chaim!
The worst part of a Hannukah rhyme
It’s recited at Gentile’s Christmas time!
The two are confusing
(Though admittedly amusing)
Do we say “Ho, Ho, Ho”, or “L’Chaim?”
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this Hallmark Reject:
The worst part of a Hanukkah rhyme
Is Hanukkah’s too close to Kwanzaa time
It’s so hard to choose
Between blacks and Jews
So I’ll just say “Yo, wassup” and “L’chaim”
Rhyming a poem can be tough
So be sure you try hard enough
If you still cannot do it
Don’t give up and say screw it
Adam Sandler can write one off the cuff.
He wrote a song for Hanukkah
And rhymed it with “gin-and-tonic-ah”
In his song he gave clues
About people who were Jews
And he finished it up with mara-juanic-ah
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The most fun this holiday season”
HOLIDAY DECORATIONS HOT LINE
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Some Christmas-spirit-filled items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Christmas-spirit-filled items subscribers
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