Friday, December 7, 2012
Happy Pearl Harbor Day, Everybody!
Hurley the Historian says today’s the 71st Anniversary of the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, or as the Obama Administration is calling it, “the Asian Spring,” and The Blower will be trying to ignore political correctness running amok during the Dark Ages of the Divided States of America during Obama 2.0. Now just imagine Obama’s blamestream news coverage if that Pearl Harbor attack happened today.
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Diane Watson’s “The parallels between 9/11 and Pearl Harbor are striking. In each instance there were warning signs before the attack, and in each instance our government failed to connect the dots.”
Meanwhile at the White House on Pearl Harbor Day, our Campaigner-in-Chief plans to continue attacking Republicans for not raising taxes. “I’m totally willing for the country to go over the Fiscal Cliff on Taxmageddon in only 24 more days,” Obama says, “and it would a terrible mistake for Congress to go home for the holidays without giving me everything I asked for, while my family and I are away on our $4 Million, 20-day, over-taxed payer funded holiday vacation in Hawaii.” “I have a mandate,” Obama proclaimed. “All of those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span Obama voters have spoken.”
December Daze
The Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau says those Amish Christmas Tree Lights are always the biggest event in Adams County during the Yuletide Season. People drive from all over the tri-state just to see them, and this Saturday the occasion will be even more historic, because Congressman-elect “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be throwing the switch to turn on the display. Call Bronze Star’s Transition Team for a ticket to the VIP Party. Both Jewish families in Adams County will be invited to participate in their homes by lighting the first candles on their Hanukkah menorahs.
And with Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and the Conservative Crew from Congress, that event will really rock.
Now for those of you planning to join Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane in attending TL-DCELPMOB-A-P-FT&SW-PRB-in-a-D’s over-taxed payer funded event Christmas Party on December 21 at the Horseshoe Casino, let’s all sing the fifth verse of that “Lame-Duck, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-and-paid-For, Tax-and-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt’s Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by Lt. Colonel Danny Bubp-kis, about whom “Mean Jean” lied on the floor of Congress and wound up as a laughingstock on “Saturday Night Live.” It goes something like this:
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, “Mean Jean” gave to me,
Five Libelous Liars,
Four Screeching Tires,
Three Borgman Cartoons,
Two Red Dresses,
And One Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.
And with all those events scheduled for December 21, it’s a wonder anybody could attend all of them. Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders has scheduled his Holiday Party at Sidebar in Covington, along with the Whistleblower NoKY Legal Dream Team and the Cabal to Destroy “Crazy Eric Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club). K-Mart will be re-ordering those Amazing Chabotheads. Mayans will be rejoicing the end of the world. Kwanza Claus says on December 21 there will be only five more shoplifting days until Kwanza, Druids will be celebrating the Winter Solstice, and Cougars in Fort Mitchell will be trolling for high school boys for some World Orgasm Day revelry.- UNTIL THEN, here’s an update on that Company Christmas Party you’ve been reading about in The Blower:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up? Please? Also the company has changed its mind about the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
Patty
- SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS ON TV: Did CBS TV’s Evening News actually stop promoting Obama long enough to report a heartwarming Christmas story? As part of our continuing series “On the Road,” Steve Hartman has the heartwarming story of a little girl’s wish to bring her dad home from Iraq for Christmas.
ORNAMENTS FOR THE DAMNED: Catholics who defied the Church and will surely burn in hell for voting for Obama can show their support by decorating their homes with Obama ornaments during the holiday season. This one only costs $8.99, plus God-only-knows-how-much for shipping-and-handling from The Obama 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign.- SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE FORLORN Last night at the Romney Supporters Anonymous Meeting in Goshen, one of our Recovering Republicans we’ll call “John” couldn’t stop wondering if Obama’s joke VP Joe Biden might be interim president by the end of 2012 because “Americans for Freedom of Information” finally released copies of Obama’s college transcripts from Occidental College indicating that Obama, under the name Barry Soetoro, received financial aid as a foreign student from Indonesia as an undergraduate. How depressed will “John” be when he finds out somebody was just pulling his leg about that story?
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: Tax-and-spend RINOs were horrified to learn that Sharonville Mayor Virg “the Scourge” Lovitt is resigning at the end of the year. He must have run out of taxes to increase. Republicans for Higher Taxes are still crying their eyes out at this news. They named Virg their 2008 Tax Hiker of the Year and for good reason. And with Jean Schmidt, Simon Leis, and now Virg the Scourge leaving office within the next month, they are losing many of their best friends in the big government movement.
So how about the latest nepotism scandal from the Winkler family? Clerk of Courts Tracy Winkler and her husband, Judge Ralph “Ted” Winkler recently returned from vacation with their good friends Vince and Deb Wallace. Tracy then hired Vince Wallace to the newly created Chief Deputy of Operations. Ralph “Ted” then hired Deb Wallace to be his highly-paid Court Reporter. Even worse, “Deb” already had this position and retired from it so she can collect a pension. Ralph “Ted” is hiring her right back so she can join the ranks of the double-dippers. What do you know, the two most qualified people in the world for these over-taxed payer-funded positions just happened to be the two people the Winklers vacation with? Is that a coincidence or what!
And will The Cincinnati Tea Party and COAST, two so-called “independent” organizations which claim to oppose government corruption, be issuing statements condemning this behavior? Don’t hold your breath. You see, Tracy and Ralph “Ted” are both Republicans and good friends with Chairman Alex TryinToFoolYou. Therefore, their corruption is OK.
GREEDY WEASEL UPDATE: Our Clear Channel Snitch says the Christmas Axe got swung a little early at WEBN-FM this holiday season. You won’t believe who just got lumps of coal.
BLUEGRASS BANZAIS: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says got chillier yesterday with a little nip in the air on Pearl Harbor Day, just as TV 9 Weather Buffoon Larry Handjob predicted. Meanwhile, Northern Kentucky bars banned “Kamikazes” on “12/7.- WAS HE NUCKING FUTZ? Word just in that UC Football Coach “Butch” Jones turned down $13.5 Million from the University of Colorado located in that state that claims 300 sunny days per year and a clear view of the Rocky Mountains outside your window just to live in Cincinnati. “Butch” must have forgotten he could get The Blower on the internet in Boulder, just as easily as in Clifton.
- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if anybody ever complained about some of the adult material occasionally found in The Blower, like Thursday’s “Link of the Day” that showed “Wild-and-Crazy Guy” Steve Martin (probably not the Judge) as the “Great Flydini.”
“Nobody was offended,” Kane explained, “Especially Judge Steve Martin, who sent us a court order requiring The Blower to show our Classic Magic Act Video, as today’s ‘Link of the Day.’” Who knew how much Judge Steve liked “magic?”
Stories We’re Working On
Christmas tree banned as religious symbol- Mall sacks Santa after rudeness complaints
- Men busted for tailing UPS truck, stealing gifts
- Hundreds of donated gifts stolen from church
- Baby Jesus goes missing
- Lawsuit threat cancels holiday concert
- Obama says, “The best is yet to come!”
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s why the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said Jewish people liked Hanukkah (coming next week):
(A) No roof damage from reindeer: 2%
(B) If someone screws up on his gift, he gets seven more days to correct it: 2%
(C) Naked spin-the-dreidel games: 4%
(D) No awkward explanations of virgin birth: 92%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Gays in a Sleigh
This week, everybody who thought there might be some really unfortunate unforeseen consequences after Obama signed legislation to repeal that homophobic “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” legislation, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Phil Burr-ass, whose Gay Porn Collection is the envy of perverts everywhere.
Phil wins an “Elves Make Better Lovers” bumper sticker, a DVD of Phil’s favorite gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain,” and a chance check out the updated client list at David A. Pepper’s Fake Floozies Dating Club, to see which elected officials might be using their services these days when they need to be seen in public with a woman. His winning limerick is:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Or if he goes either way?
Is that a chimney he’s down?
Then how come it’s brown?
Our gold gods do have feet of clay.
Dishonorable Mentions
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he try to tell us he was born that way?
“When I slide down the chimney,
I whip out my Grand Prix,
And it’s just like a roll in the hay!”
What if Santa turned out to be gay
To other men he would look for a lay
He would never go straight
For only men he would date
No matter what others would say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay
He would probably live on San Franciso Bay
He would prance in his a thongs
And dream of men’s dongs
And gay rights would be more than okay!
From Friends of Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
What if Santa turned out to be gay?”
And he wanted his lover to play;
He would take his sack,
Off of his back,
So it wouldn’t be in the way.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Could he keep all his boyfriends at bay?
‘Cuz if Mrs. Claus did discover,
Dudes were after her lover,
She’d shove all those new toys up his ‘A.’
What if Santa turned out to be gay;
With a rainbow taped onto his sleigh?
Since he likes young ages
The “elves” would be “pages”
Dateline NBC’s on the way!
From Gay Elected Officials
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And all of his elves, the same way?
They’d be packing fudge, and not presents
And making love to the pheasants
(Us homophobes better watch what we say!!)
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And invited guys into his sleigh?
Jolly Old Saint Nick,
Would be sticking his wick,
In places we’d rather not say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
He’d be out of the priesthood, so they say.
Since he’s all dressed in fur,
With a strong scent of myrrh,
Perhaps we should all check his dossier.
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
With his boyfiend in back of the sleigh?
Would you still want his toys
If you knew he liked boys,
Or would you tell him to go flit away?
From Devou Park
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
And Mrs. Claus was his best friend, Ray?
The white-haired old coot
Would have a sore poop chute
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, hey?
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And gave a little boy a ride in his sleigh
And you caught him on the roof
With his pants down to his hoof,
Would the police come and take him away?
But things are different today
We know there’s nothing wrong with being gay
Men can be attracted to boys
And still walk around with poise
Barney Frank found out it was OK.
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this same-sex scenario:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that way).
Look at Sesame Street’s Elmo
His ventriloquist’s a homo
And for years, that was perfectly OK.
There’s Ben Dover and Phil McKreviss,
And all the wonderful things they give us.
Why, they have gay day parades
(But a lot of them have AIDS),
I think they are all thimply marvelous.
But they better stay away from little boys
They’re our kids, not some pedophile’s toys
If we catch them abusing
Some force we’ll be using
And then they will run out of poise.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The worst part of a Hanukkah rhyme”
WHISTLEBLOWER WISH LIST HOT LINE
e-mail your ridiculous requests today.
Some stocking stuffed items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally stocking stuffed subscribers.
Link of the Day
Magic in Montreal Video
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
