One of the best parts about publishing The Whistleblower Newswire is checking our e-mail first thing each morning to see some of those politically insightful items we’ve received from our equally politically insightful subscribers. Our readers’ comments are extremely helpful for our analysis and interpretation of today’s important top stories.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Help for Recovering Republicans
TYPICAL ROMNEY VOTERS: Yesterday we introduced you to two more dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, and uninformed short-attention-span Obama voters, Shannon and her friend Jennifer, who were talking about why they love Obama after voting to continue our long national nightmare for four more years, because those two blonde bimbos had not yet figured out they’ll soon be just as screwed as the rest of us.
Today, our always fairly balanced publication is listening in at the Romney Supporters Anonymous Meeting in Goshen: “Good Evening! This is the regular meeting of the Goshen Group of Romney Supporters Anonymous. My name is John. I am a Romney Supporter and your Secretary.
“This is an open meeting of Romney Supporters Anonymous. We are glad you are all here – especially newcomers. In keeping with our singleness of purpose and our Third Tradition which states that ‘The only requirement for Romney Supporters Anonymous membership is a desire to stop sniveling,’ we ask that all who participate confine their discussion to their problems as a Recovering Republican.”
John then opened the meeting with a moment of silence to do with as you wish, followed by the Serenity Prayer, that says: “God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.”
Unfortunately, the crowd became hysterical when John reported Mitt Romney had actually accepted Obama’s offer to meet for a private lunch at the White House Thursday to talk about where the two could work together to move this country forward. You can’t believe how loud the sniveling was after that.
IN WASHINGTON: our DC Newsbreaker says seven nude people were arrested after they let it all hang out in GOP House Speaker John Boehner’s office to protest fiscal cliff budget cuts. Among their chants was: “Boehner, Boehner, don’t be a dick, budget cuts will make us sick.” We told you American Culture had changed for the worse during the Dark Ages of Obama. Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says you should watch the event on Fox News, since they forgot to pixilated all naked protesters’ naughty bits.- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN SAYS on this day in 1963, President Lyndon B. Johnson appointed a special commission to investigate the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, which turned out to be almost as successful as Obama’s Super-Committee that was supposed to find $1.2 Trillion in savings over 10 years from the federal deficit.
- IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says the Ohio RINO Party State Central Committee and Executive Committee will be meeting this Friday at the Westin Columbus Hotel, and what a victory celebration that’ll be. Everybody’s wondering if they’ll be flying the Ohio State burgee at half mast.
And did you notice who’s missing from the elected Ohio Senate leadership? That would be Mrs. Shannon Faulkner Jones, the now-former Minority Whip. After being the sole sponsor of Senate Bill 5, when everyone else in the GOP wanted to include collective-bargaining reform in the budget bill because budget bills are not subject to referendum, her peers in the Ohio Senate passed her over for a bump in the Senate leadership when there was a vacancy and now they’ve completely removed her from leadership. The Senate GOP just said STFU to SFJ.
IN CLERMONT COUNTY: according to the Department on Aging, Ohio Second District Congresswoman Mean Jean Schmidt is celebrating her 61st Birthday today. Make sure you congratulate her at her “Annual Holiday Party” next month.
How else could you tell her age? It’s like with trees where you count the rings, only with “Her Meanness,” you count her wrinkles.
IN ANDERSON: As The Blower predicted, Disgraced Anderson Township Trustee Kevin “Spanky” O’Brien found another way to delay his long overdue public masturbation trial at his “Spanky Tuesday” court date in Judge Rucker’s courtroom after his attorney asked for the case to be thrown out and got a continuance until early January. Afterwards, Kevin drove home relieved by relieving himself in the wienermobile.- SPEAKING OF MASTURBATION: A so-called anti-tax organization is encouraging everybody to contact Ohio Senator Rob “Fighting for Filibusters” Portman and remind him not to cave into Obama, Disingenuous DemocRATS, Liberal Pundits, and Obama Supporters in the Press by voting for increasing taxes and spending. Hello? It’s been less than a month since the election. Do you think for even a moment the guy who spent all those hours prepping Mitt Romney for debates would forget his no-tax-hike position this soon?
LOONY LIBERTARIANS: Perennial candidate Jim Berns only had 499 more valid signatures to get after Nancy L. Williams of Bond Hill, a Fine Arts student at the University of Cincinnati, School of Design, Architecture, Art and Planning, was the first to sign on his Cincinnati mayoral petition. Nancy’s surprised expression was the result of Berns’ claim that he’d been born a poor black child.
FINDING GALT: We’re trying to find out more about John Galt, the guy who believes he’s have paid more than his fair share of taxes and is no longer going to work to pay for a society of entitlements. Here’s where he lives.- NoKY LEGAL BRIEFS: The Sixth Circuit upheld Judge Bertelsman’s dismissal of one of Crazy Eric Deters’ cases against our good friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders this yesterday. [READ THAT COURT DOCUMENT HERE]
Those who were paying attention earlier will remember that Judge Bertelsman imposed Rule 11 sanctions against the Crazy One for filing the frivolous lawsuit, and accusing prominent members of the bar and bench of being in a “cabal” out to get him. According to Judge Bertelsman, Deters’ conduct “demonstrates an intentional and vexatious abuse of the judicial process.”
Careful readers will also remember that Crazy said he had a lot of success in the Sixth Circuit. Apparently that wasn’t true either.
The Robster elaborated, “That’s actually just the appeal of the case against the cops. The 6th Circuit Court of Appeals previously upheld Bertlesman’s opinion dismissing me and one of my assistants from the case, as well as an award of Rule 11 sanctions imposed by the court. It’s just another mark in Eric’s LOSS column.”
Curiously, the reporter who wrote the story about Judge Bertelsman’s imposition of Rule 11 sanctions against Crazy Eric was sued along with The Fishwrap by the same Crazy Eric for defaming NoKY’s second-most infamous oversexed education teacher Sarah Jones by saying she had sex with a student, despite slutty Sarah’s felony guilty plea and admission to doing just that. That lawsuit was exclusively reported in The Blower on October 29.
- FINALLY, AT TODAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: Political Insiders are wondering why Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane has yet to return from Rick “The Batboy” Robinson’s Annual “Holiday Reception” at the Fort Mitchell Country Club. One particularly observant Blower reader thought he saw cocktail sauce on Kane’s trademark Whistleblower tie. “That’s right,” Kane admitted. “It’s one of the hazards of eating all that free shrimp.”
Seediest Kids of All
Today’s Seediest Kid of All is “Gex” Wanker, a bright little 9-year-old Bluegrass boy at Ridgerunner Elementary School, whose cruel classmates taunted him mercilessly, not just because he was years older than the other kindergartners, but because his name “Gex” rhymed with “Sex.”
So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) asked Gex’s parents to choose a more appropriate name to enhance the boy’s self esteem and got their permission to have his name changed legally. They got a prominent Northern Kentucky attorney (not Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters) to go to the courthouse and ask the judge for a paper to take to school so everyone would know his name had been officially changed. “Gex’s” cruel classmates still taunt him mercilessly, even more than before his parents officially changed his name to “Shithead.”
The Wanker family called to express their gratitude for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, since it’s your liberal guilt giving throughout the year which makes it all possible.
Rick “the Bat Boy” Robinson says today’s “Seediest Kid of All” is his all-time favorite. Can you figure out why?
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our November fund-raising drive by the Fort Mitchell Country Club, where they’d never seen so many Jews in Kentucky before.
HOLIDAY PARTY HOT LINE
e-mail your intimate invitations today.
Some party-crashing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally party-crashing subscribers.
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