Monday, November 28, 2012
Merry Chrismukkah To All!
To eliminate annual court battles over holiday displays in public places, part-time biblical scholars at The Blower say we must first begin by combining the religious holidays of Christmas and Hanukkah.
Although this idea has been the subject of Judeo-Christian debate for over 1300 years, ever since the Dark Ages and the rise of the Muslim Empire, we believe the combined overhead cost of having both “Twelve Days of Christmas” and “Eight Nights of Hanukkah” has made it prohibitively expensive for both religions.
By merging holidays, followers of both faiths will be able to enjoy a cost-effective celebration during the Fifteen Days of “Chrismukkah,” as we believe the new holiday should be called.
Unfortunately, American Culture has greatly changed during the Age of Obama, and predictably, not for the better. Turning last week’s “Thanksgiving into Thanksgetting” and the Retail Rampages on Black Friday are only two of the latest egregious examples.
Massive layoffs during the Obama Recession might be expected by combining Christmas and Hanukkah, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel (that crappy toy top shown on your left with Hebrew letters on each of its four sides) will be replaced by words in Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to an even wider audience.
The dreidel’s message is translated as “A great miracle happened there,” but contemporary Christians prefer something more in tune with the times, like: “Miraculous shit happens.”
In exchange, Jews would be allowed to exploit Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One sticking point holding up the agreement for the past 300 years has been whether Jewish children could defy Kosher dietary laws by leaving milk and cookies for Hanukkah Harry after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Twinkies were finally declared to be Kosher and both sides appeared to be satisfied. Unfortunately, Obama’s dumbed-down Union Goons put the company that makes Twinkies out of business right after Obama was re-elected.
Christian comics would be allowed to tell jokes about their “Jewish wives” (How do you get a Jewish girl to stop screwing? Marry Her.) And Jewish mothers (I told my mother I hadn’t eaten for 38 days because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food every time she called.)
Jewish comedians could mock Christianity with stories, like the one about what it would’ve been like if there’d been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men. The Three Wise Women would’ve asked directions, they would’ve arrived on time, they would’ve helped deliver the baby, they would’ve cleaned the stable, they would’ve brought practical gifts, and they would’ve made a casserole. And as they left the manger they would’ve said: “That baby doesn’t look anything like Joseph,” “Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that hideous dress?” “That little drummer boy can beat my drum anytime,” “I heard Joseph wasn’t working,” “You want to bet how long it’ll take before you get your casserole dish back?” and “What do you mean Mary’s “a virgin?” I knew her in high school.”
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane declined to say if a takeover of Ramadan and Kwanzaa is also in the works. At yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, he merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of these other less important holidays, the merger of Christmas and Hanukkah might indeed be seen as unfairly cornering of the holiday market.
“Fortunately for all concerned, Ramadan and Kwanzaa will still allow all those Kneepad Liberals in the Press to whine about political correctness,” Kane explained. “Just imagine having to wish somebody “Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas.”
The press conference announcing The Blower’s plan ended with a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come All Ye Faithful” while Jewish retailers in the crowd sang “What a friend we have in Jesus.”
Meanwhile at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, more cowardly Palestinian suicide elves from Hamas, Hezbollah, and Islamic Jihad wrapped little children with sticks of dynamite, sang “Yassir, That’s My Baby” and “Let’s Kill All the Jews” before sending the kids out to blow themselves to smithereens.
Now here’s an update on that Company Christmas Party you heard about in yesterday’s Blower:
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 26
RE: Company Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah which begins at sundown on December 8 is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas on December 25. However, from now on we’re just calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung, not even “Mean Jean’s Twelve Days of Christmas.” We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
We hope you’re happy now.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
Now from the Whistleblower Archives, Award-Winning Illustrator Artis Conception shows us “A Visit from the Hamilton County Ghost of Christmas Past”
And here’s why your children should never be permitted to read The Whistleblower.
HOLIDAY CONFUSION HOT LINE
e-mail your sleaze and sludge today.
Some politically incorrect items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally politically incorrect subscribers, but we could always use more.
LINKS OF THE DAY
Christmas with a Capital “C”
PLUS
ACLU Sues Santa Claus
The Ten Worst Gifts to Buy A Woman
Just Another Christmas Card
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
