Just because today’s supposed to be a holiday doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot of snitching and bitching going on. You bet! As the official publication for all that scrambling, speculation, mud-slinging, and back-stabbing in the tri-state, our readers have every right to expect nothing less.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Let’s Get Ready to Gobble

At yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders still couldn’t stop asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why the winners of The Blower’s 2012 Whistleblower Turkey of the Year Contest (sponsored by Dummy’s Restaurant) were exactly same as the 2011 winners — Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP in Ohio and Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters in Kentucky.

Kane explained that the Whistleblower Research Department had called every single one of the nominators to verify their entries, and in every instance, the response was exactly the same. There are just no bigger turkeys in the tri-state than “Old Blueface” in Ohio and Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters in Kentucky. The consensus was unanimous— “There Are No Term Limits for Turkeys of the Year.”

Things that Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving

“She’s a gobbler!”
“That’s one terrific spread!”
“Care for a little more dark meat, Jungle Fever Boy?”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“Mind if I undo my pants, Becky?”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, Mike, you’ll get some!”
“Stop playing with your meat, grandpa.”
“Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.”
“Can you handle all these people at once?”
“I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
“You still have a little bit on your chin.”
“Use a smooth stroke when you whip it.”
“And he forces his way into the end zone!”
“Just reach in and grab the giblets.”
“How long will it take after you stick it in?”
“You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
“I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
“How many of you are coming?”
“Smell this!”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
“Lay back and take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
“How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
“Did anybody find a condom in the stuffing?”
“If I don’t unbutton my pants, I’ll burst!”
“It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.”
…And the number on thing that sounds dirty on Thanksgiving is… “Succotash!”

Let’s Hear It for Cholesterol

Today is Thanksgiving, and we’re all getting ready to celebrate our National Day of Gluttony, when we can disregard all those health problems caused by obesity.

Remember, cranberry breath: when all those fat-assed people eat themselves to death, that’ll just mean there’ll be more turkey and stuffing for the rest of us.

Now here’s something else even Fox News is afraid to present: “OJ’s Turkey Carving Tips”

Now let’s all watch the Pilgrims Story, brought to you by the Whistleblower Players

Seediest Kids of All

The Whistleblower’s 63nd Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (not associated with the Failed United Way) began earlier this week.

We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.

Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.

Today, our “Seediest Kids of All” campaign (not affiliated with the Failed United Way) continues by updating the sad story of Louis “Porky” Dorkman, now 29, an adorable little 288-lb. illegitimate waif. Porky’s mother, who just lost her job at the County Food Stamps Office just in time for Thanksgiving, stood in line yesterday for six hours at the FreeBee Store behind Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex Triantafillou, Fat Pat Barry, Clueless Marc Wilson, Soon-to-Be-Fired Fired Fishwrappers, and all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span Obama voters who will be soon be laid off when their employers are forced to downsize because of Obamacare, to bring home 28 packages of Twinkies, a box of Wilfred Brimley’s Erotic No-Hands Oatmeal Turkey Stuffing Mix, and a picture of a Thanksgiving turkey. The news media failed to make you feel guilty enough, so again this year, there still weren’t enough real turkeys to go around.

Finally, Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves took time out in the kitchen from whipping up a batch of Wilford Brimley’s Erotic Stuffing Mix for Thanksgiving to dash off a couple of early Turkey Day odes:

Too much turkey
And cranberry jelly
Too little trousers
To cover my belly

To get government job
Is my hope
Then go to the airport
To get a grope.

EROTIC TURKEY BASTING TIPS HOT LINE

e-mail your romantic recipes to the Blower’s Cooking Show Hostess

Marilyn “Turkey Neck” Harris today.

More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our November fund-raising drive by the Freebee Store, because of all that extra business they’re getting from all those unemployed people during the Obama Recession.

Links of the Day

Turkey Pardon Mishap Results In Accidental Release Of Serial Rapist

Plus

Whistleblower Newswire

Some of the News They Seem to Lose

Annual “Turning Thanksgiving into Thanksgetting” E-dition