Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

This Thanksgiving, we’re choosing Ronald Reagan’s “Perhaps no custom reveals our character as a Nation so clearly as our celebration of Thanksgiving Day. Rooted deeply in our Judeo-Christian heritage, the practice of offering thanksgiving underscores our unshakable belief in God as the foundation of our Nation and our firm reliance upon Him from Whom all blessings flow.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful The Blower will be covering the upcoming Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term after all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span Obama voters ensured that the Divided States of America would have a government it truly deserves. —The Conservative Agenda
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful for socialized medicine, wealth redistribution, anti-gun judges, higher taxes, open borders, and class warfare. —Obama’s Moochers and Slackers
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful for vulnerable companies like Hostess we can put out of business when our members go on strike. —Big Labor
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful for Obama’s Justice Department and all those Obama Supporters in the Press looking the other way. —DemocRAT Vote Frauders
This Thanksgiving, don’t forget “Taxmageddon.” It’ll be here in only 41 days for the largest tax hikes in the history of America will take effect on January 1, 2013.) —The Heritage Foundation
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful for all those small business owners who’ll be crushed when the country goes off the Fiscal Cliff. —Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid
On this date in 1945, twenty-four high-ranking Nazis went on trial in Nuremberg, Germany, for atrocities committed during World War II. No doubt, Obama would’ve wanted them tried by a civil court in New York City. —Hurley the Historian
This Thanksgiving, I’d be thankful if Paula Broadwell wanted to write my biography. —Disgraced Former Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton
This Thanksgiving, the economy is so bad MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen. —Jay Leno
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful nobody is holding me to my promise to resign after Romney lost the election. —WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful every Real Republican in Hamilton County hasn’t asked me to resign. —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T. Mall Cop GOP
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my new Transition Committee headed by “Old Blueface” under the direction of my PR Guy in Columbus. —“Bronze Star Brad Wenstrup
This Thanksgiving, I’m not cooking a turkey because I’ll be in Turkey. —“Junketing Jean” Schmidt
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful all those gullible voters who gave us four-year terms. —Laure’ Not So Cleanlivin’ and the Rest of the Rubber-Stamping Trolley Folliers on Cincinnati City Clown-cil
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for all that Horseshoe Casino money to loot. —Charlie Windbag
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful you didn’t tell the citizens of Cincinnati how much money I really pocket. —Willie Carden, Cincinnati Parks Director
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful some people are still coming to our meetings. —Clermont County Tea Partiers
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful we have someplace to find other people just as despondent as we are. —Romney Supporters Anonymous
This Thanksgiving, we’ll be happy if John Boehner and Republicans in Congress stop compromising and start impeaching. —Firebrands at Grasstops USA
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful for all those patriots signing our petitions. —Secessionists for a Divided America
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful for your liberal guilt giving throughout the year that makes all of our programs possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful The Blower plans to publicize all of our efforts to help the losers of life’s lottery. —United Appall People
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for all my snitches in Northern Kentucky. —Ken CamBoo
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful I still have all that Tea Party support. —Bitch McConnell
I’m thankful the only lawyer dumb enough to file frivolous lawsuits against me is, in my opinion, an incompetent boob! —Our Good Friend, Kenton County Commonwealth’s Attorney E. Rob Sanders
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful my name hasn’t been in The Blower too much lately. —Michael Liquid Plummer
This Thanksgiving, the best part about Thanksgiving Day dinner in Kentucky is when you get to pump-kin. —Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
This Thanksgiving, I’m still confused about Wilford Brimley’s Erotic No-Hands Turkey Stuffing Tips. If you hold tight to each of the turkey’s legs, what do you use to mash in the stuffing? —Horny in Hebron
As usual on Thanksgiving we’re giving thanks for Cincinnati City Clown-cil. —Bluegrass Developers
At our company Thanksgiving Day dinner we’re serving Turkey Tacos. —Fischer Homes
Are Scott “Pass the Drumsticks” Kimmich and I still banned from the Golden Corral buffet on Thanksgiving? —Clueless Marc Wilson
Be sure to wipe off your turkey-baster before your wife re-uses it. —Goof Doofus
And never ever stuff your turkey with anything but dressing. —Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson
Would people show up on Thanksgiving Day if we raced turkeys? —Turfway Park
Turkeys don’t fly? —Les Nessman, WKRP
We’ll be serving green turkey bologna sandwiches for Thanksgiving at the Kenton County Escape Center. —Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for all those turkeys on Vanilla Hills City Clown-cil who ignored all the evidence and let me keep my job. —Miscreant Mayor Mike Martin
They call it Thanksgiving because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. —Bobby Leach
Why isn’t my birthday celebrated as a national holiday? — Squanto
Which would you like on Thanksgiving: a little “suc,” or a little “tash?” —Phyllis on Madison
We’re thankful for all those people who e-mailed their nominations to our 2012 Biggest Turkey of the Year Award Contest. —Dummy’s Restaurant
The best part about Thanksgiving dinner at the station is when we grab Trish “The Dish’s” legs and Trish says, “Make a wish.” —TV 19 Photographers
You guys can’t fool me. That’s another dirty joke, right? —TV 5’s Sheree Paolello

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—

Sometimes The Blower makes fun of food fetishes to show that fornicating your food is bad table manners and will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a Foodfuker.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially “WILFORD BRIMLEY,” whose Erotic No-Hands Turkey Stuffing Tips are always a holiday favorite for many of our Pervert Subscribers.

WILFORD BRIMLEY HOT LINE

e-mail your stuffing tips today.

Some turkey stuffing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally turkey stuffing subscribers.

Link of the Day

Thanksgiving Dinner: Will It Blend?

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.