Daily Archives: October 29, 2012

Special “Tomb It May Concern” E-dition

Monday, October 29, 2012

Halloween Countdown

By Charles Foster Kane
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher

  • You don’t need the Fearless Forces of Political Correctness to warn you not to talk about dressing up like a Benghazi terrorist carrying a big bomb today to go trick-or-treating in an American airport.

For years, multi-culturalists have forbidden you to wear such “insensitive costumes.” You can’t dress up like a hobo, devil, Boy Scout, pedophile priest, homosexual Eskimo, Cleveland Indian, pregnant teenager, hunchback, hairy-legged lesbian, fat person, Michael Jackson, Teddy Kennedy in a wet suit, Vince Foster with a hole in his head, George Clooney, Barbra Streisand, or a witch who just happens to look like Hillary, although you could dress up like That Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt, who Clermont Cronies say just happens to look like a witch.

  • But this Halloween, as Double-Dipping DemocRATS and Republicans keep trying to scare people by telling them what’ll happen if they elect somebody from the other party, Liberal Elites say it’s still perfectly all right for you to make fun of Republicans and Conservatives, even if it might sound unpatriotic. It’s OK to blame Bush and Romney, but you can’t mention Obama’s “historic” decline in the polls since becoming president. And like Late Night TV Comics, you would never want to mention Sarah Palin’s robo-calls to help get out the Conservative vote, but it was still OK to ridicule her single-mother teenage daughter Bristol on “Dancing with the Stars,” her Down Syndrome infant, her accent, her clothing, and her snow-machine-riding husband. Maybe that explains David Letterman’s Halloween joke: Bobbing for apples, or as Dick Cheney calls it, “apple-boarding.” Jay Leno’s has a great idea for an inexpensive Halloween costume. “Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.”
  • And the one thing you still can’t do this year, especially if you own a bar in Mason, Ohio, would be to put a helpful sign in your window saying “For Service, Speak English,” if neither you nor your employees could speak Spanish. If you did, the Harpies from HOME (Housing Owners Made to Pay Extortion) would still claim you were hurting the feelings of some poor illegal immigrant (whom they can’t actually identify because of racially discriminatory deportation laws) and refer their caustic charges to the Ohio Political Correctness Commission, and Skaggie Maggie’s Idiotorial Board at the Morning Fishwrap would surely call you a “bigot.”
  • Liberals show their tolerance by telling lies, name-calling, and trying to burn all Rush Limbaugh’s dittoheads at the stake. And with only seven more days till Indecision 2012 on November 6, their willing accomplices in the press are still busy trying to fool all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct uninformed short-attention-span voters one more time.
  • Halloween used to be the day when folks dressed up in funny costumes and took to the streets begging for goodies. But walking the streets and turning tricks this year, is that wretched refuse for whom we can only hope November 6 will be their day of reckoning. Political panhandlers try to disguise themselves as people who care and roam neighborhoods or clutter your TV with commercials begging for votes so they can get their hands on your goodies. And when they do, We the Over-Taxed Payers will fall prey to all sorts of their dirty tricks.
  • When you see automobile ads on TV, they always explain the financing. When banks advertise loans, they always have to tell you how much the interest charge will be. It’s called “Truth in Lending.” But when candidates run political ads, they don’t even have to tell the truth. They can say damn near anything they want and call it “protected free speech.” Do you remember a few years ago when ads for Devious DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioners Odd Todd Opportune’s and David A. Pepper’s $900 million Feel-Good-Social Programs Tax Scam that would’ve also included the GOP Sheriff Simon E. Leis Memorial Hoosegow didn’t even have to tell you what each new bed will really cost, because they knew if they did, nobody in his right mind would ever vote for it?
  • And how scary were those TV commercials for the new jail— shouldn’t they at least have been banned during the “family viewing period?” Threatening to let Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers out of jail scares the hell out of little children. Or they could just let Mean Jean Schmidt explain abortion to your children.
  • “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman says this Halloween he’ll be having mercenary COAST Attorney Chris Finney sue the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools if they load students in vans for some illegal last-minute trick or treating for the DemocRATS.
  • And speaking of Halloween Harangues, at least this we won’t have Greedy Hearse-Chasing, Disgraced DemocRAT, Clinton-loving, Fen-Phen Scandal Plagued, Not-yet-Disbarred Trial Attorney $tan Che$ley, Feckless Fishwrap Publisher “Skaggie Maggie” Buchanan, and Draft-Dodging WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham once again involving themselves in Republican politics right before an election. We remember two years ago when our terrible troika did their best to destroy the Republican Party in Clermont County, not that those crooks and cronies seem to need any help these days.
  • We’ve seen all those stories saying the 2012 Presidential Election may be won or lost in Hamilton County, Ohio. No wonder Tea Party Patriots have so much to worry about with the Hamilton County RINO Party still Wandering in the Wilderness ever since Alex T. Mall Cop GOP painted the town “Blue” on Election Night in 2008.
  • The media’s spinfluence: It used to be only The New York Times and TV networks employed bogus polls to promote their agenda. Now every local media outlet is doing it too. As for newspapers, as if their daily unfair-and-biased reporting weren’t enough, their pre-election political endorsements instruct their ill-informed readers which candidate to choose. Rarely do they endorse a person just because of his race, because the only color those media weasels care about is green. And on tax increases, people who control newspaper editorial boards don’t even have to live in areas those huge tax increases would affect, so it’s not costing them anything to tell you to piss away more of your hard-earned money down another liberal rat hole.
  • While Halloween costumes have become more frightening, nothing is quite as scary as the increasingly bitter rhetoric of all those trying to stay in office. Enjoy it. It’s the sound and fury of liberalism crumbling. According to the Dissociated Press, racial attitudes have not improved in the four years since the United States elected its first black president, an Associated Press poll finds, as a slight majority of Americans now express prejudice toward blacks whether they recognize those feelings or not.
  • The quality of political candidates reflects our culture. Despite all the talk about “change,” the public really doesn’t want anything done— except to somebody else. Politicians are still selling crap because you’re still buying it.
  • Maybe that’s why when you ask which is worse about this year’s elections— voters’ ignorance or apathy, and people tell you they don’t know and they don’t care.
  • People say they’re voting for the lesser of two evils. The problem is, they’re still voting for “evil.”
  • In Cincinnati, Community Leaders United in Opposition to Issue 4 held a press conference on Wednesday to present a case against that self-serving Cincinnati Charter Proposal being pushed by Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin and Clown-cil Members, each looking for a $240,000 payoff for bickering with each other for four years instead of two, and maybe get a reset on their Term Limits.
  • In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says take the elections in Ohio, please. This year besides elections for President, Senate, and Congress, have Issue 2 on the ballot. That would create a new government commission run by bureaucRATS, accountable to no one, to draw legislative districts with no public oversight. Besides that, they could set their own pay and couldn’t be removed. What could possibly go wrong with that?
  • And in Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says the contest to replace Goof Doofus in Congress was over when Thomas Massie won the Republican Primary.
  • Also this year, everybody in Ohio will be trying to identify all of the players in the Whistleblower Video Repertory Group’s Halloween Video.
  • This week, everybody will be getting ready for Halloween in Northern Kentucky. Blondie Whalen fright thongs are selling well at Victoria’s Secret, there’s a lewd carved pumpkin display at the Piece Bell in Newport, and Horny in Hebron is auditioning witches to ride his broomstick, if you know what we mean.
  • Everybody’s wondering what to wear at all those Halloween parties this year, but our good friend Bobby Leach says every day is Halloween in Northern Kentucky, when guys just sit around and “pump kin.”
  • This year on Halloween, apparently Eric “Call me Crazy” Deters is celebrating the one year anniversary of losing his frivolous suit against The Blower by filing suit against The Fishwrap claiming they defamed NoKY’s second-most infamous oversexed education teacher Sarah Jones by saying she had sex with a student despite slutty Sarah’s felony guilty plea and admission to doing just that. The Cabal welcomes Feckless Fishwrapper Jim Hannah to the bonds of frivolous lawsuit brotherhood. Congrats Jimmy, you’re now somebody in this town but, as usual, The Blower got there first!
  • Last year we remember those pitiful protesters in Piatt Park. On Halloween they were just begging to be arrested.

  • Last year on Halloween, basic cable subscribers in Northern Kentucky were watching the Flashlight Theatre’s production of “War of the Worlds” to see if the entire Northern Kentucky area was invaded from outer space. But the best part of program was when Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane lost his composure trying to interview film legend Tor Johnson.
  • Hurley the Historian says that’s because on Halloween in 1938, Charles Foster Kane lookalike Orson Welles caused a nationwide panic with his broadcast of “War of the Worlds”— a realistic radio dramatization of a Martian invasion of Earth, and every day our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane tries to cause a similar tri-state panic about tax increases during the Obama Depression.

On the other hand, Halloween festivities probably have never been totally enjoyed by Kane’s old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, since he got married on Halloween fifty years ago. “I was tricked once, and it’s been no treat ever since,” the crusty curmudgeon explained.

  • Speaking of tricks: when Liberal politicians promise you something, they must first take it from you or somebody else. If these creepy creatures take it from you, you can bet your political pumpkin you’ll get back a lot less than you were forced to give.

If you get to choose between politics and Halloween, take Halloween. It may be just a day to buy a mask and count up your candy at the end of the night, but you’ll still get more for your money. Choose politics, and those greedy bastards wearing masks of compassion will steal all your candy and wind up with everything else you own.

Maybe that’s why Obama is coming to town on Halloween—to confiscate all the candy your kids have collected and redistribute it to the kids who were too lazy to go trick or treating for themselves.

  • Halloween Safety Tips: Police say don’t dress up like a black guy with a gun, especially in a white neighborhood.

Now here are a few children’s Halloween safety tips you won’t see on TV: Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke. Don’t search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. Don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. And never ever take anything from the dead.

That’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Thomas Jefferson’s “A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have.”

And over at Channel 19, did Trish the Dish really say the difference between Halloween and Election Day is one of them is always on a Tuesday, but forgot which.

Trick or Treat, Happy Halloween!

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.

HALLOWEEN HOT LINE

e-mail your ghoul grams today.

Some scary items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally scary subscribers.

LINK OF THE DAY

PRESIDENT EVIL – Halloween Monster Mash 2012 Election Spoof

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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