Friday, October 26, 2012

Romney’s Rumble in Roselawn

Thursday morning, U.S. Senator Rob “Fighting for Forklifts” Portman introduced Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney’s standard five-step Ohio stump speech to a packed-in crowd at the Jet Machine factory in Bond Hill. Actually, TV 5 said it was in Bond Hill. The Fishwrap called it Roselawn. But there haven’t been that many white people in Bond Hill or Roselawn since Swifton was really a shopping center.

Campaigning in Ohio on Wednesday, Obama’s VP Buffoon Joe Biden complained about all those ads being run “Here in Iowa.” While campaigning in Tampa, Obama admitted he couldn’t find his plan for a second term and told a Rolling Stone reporter that Romney was a “Bullshitter.” Hang in there, folks, it won’t be long now. Just think about how much fun it will be, listening to Obama’s concession speech in “10” more days.

Meanwhile, TV5’s Lisa Cooney gets ready to introduce live coverage of Romney’s speech. “Oh, being stuck on local TV sucks so much,” Lisa says. “If only I could be one of those Fox News Blondes, I’d have all those makeup people to help me look pretty.”

Elsewhere on the Campaign Trail

The Gender Gap is Gone: Romney has all but erased Obama’s 16-point advantage among women.

Massive money is pouring into the Romney campaign and the Republican National Committee: $111.8 million between October 1-17.

In Michigan the polls are tied (Romney 47%-Obama 47%) and the Detroit News has endorsed Romney.

The New York Times says Bill Clinton may have hurt Obama.

A Former Obama National Security Adviser says there’s been no progress in the Middle East during Obama’s entire presidency.

And Obama says “I have absolutely no regrets for ignoring the Economy during my first two years in office.

Obama’s Romnesia on His Own Record

• BIG BIRD, BINDERS, AND BAYONETS: Obama is doing exactly what he decried in 2008: making a big election about small things, talking about Big Bird, Binders, and Bayonets. It’s clear Obama can’t defend his record and he’s flat out of ideas to get our economy going. So how surprising is it that we have video showing just that?
• WHISTLEBLOWER POLLSTER RON RASMUSSEN SAYS most voters consider the three presidential debates at least somewhat important to how they will vote, and those who watched think Mitt Romney was the overall debate winner (49%-41%). Also, Republicans are growing more positive about the presidential campaign, posting the highest showing so far this year in the latest poll by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press.
• OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jay Leno’s “Did you all watch the debate last night? I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn’t decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game.”
• IS OBAMA BETTING HE’S GOING TO LOSE: Many people are wondering what Obama and Michelle plan to after his last day in office on January 20, 2013. According to Weekly World News, Obama and Michelle just closed on a mansion in Hawaii and plan to move – in January 2013! They have just purchased an estate in close proximity to land owned by the University of Hawaii, where the Obama presidential library and “political center” will be located. The estate is valued at $40 million. No details are available on how the Obamas plan to make their mortgage payments, but they had to have a co-signer.

• MANDELL-BROWN SHOOTOUT: Both sides were trying to gather crowds before last night’s televised debate at WCET. Tea Partiers were giving away Rally Signs and T-Shirts, while Union Goons from Plumbers Pipefitters & H.V.A.C. Local 392 were providing free meals.
• HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1881, in a display of effective sheriffing (unlike what we see around here), Wyatt Earp, along with his brothers Virgil and Morgan and their friend Doc Holliday, shot it out with the Clantons and McLaurys at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona, leaving three bad guys dead. See, Si— Wyatt Earp didn’t need a bigger jail.
• MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE CHOSE Wyatt Earp’s “Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything.”
• REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES endorse their old friends Ghizzy Lizzy and Heather Russell for Common Pleas Judge. With both of them having been supportive of Hamilton County’s huge $777 million Sales Tax increase in 2007, they are a natural fit for this endorsement.
• CRIME AND SHAME IN THE CINCINNATI FIRE DEPARTMENT: Crashboy David Harris, who had a disciplinary charge upheld in 2008 for violence in the work place, and who crashed big fire trucks on multiple occasions, has been promoted to the rank of lieutenant in the fire department, pulling down over $70,000 per year. Harris has zero supervisory or people skills, no driving skills, and has a violent uncontrolled temper, yet he’s now in charge of multiple personnel.

Disgraceful Russ Tatum failed city urine tests for drug usage at least twice. He was fired and then later brought back into the fire department. What happened next? You guessed it! He was promoted.

As for yet another fire department embarrassment, present fire fighter Edwyna Lyttle, aka “Do Little,” still hasn’t been fired by the city for admittedly and repeatedly working at another job while on the city timecard. In addition to being fired, she should be criminally charged. City Mangler Dough Boy Honey is interfering with the firing of this loser. Luckily for him, Mrs. Dough Boy Honey doesn’t object to Dough Boy’s other activities with Edwyna.

The City has a huge financial crisis, yet they continue to promote and throw piles of money at disgraceful out-of-control people in the fire department like these three.

• EXCULPATORY EVIDENCE IN ELMWOOD: We hear Disgraced Former Hamilton County prosecutor Mike Allen is now representing scores of people who’ve been improperly ticketed in the ongoing Elmwood Place speed traps. Elmwood Place mails a speeding ticket to anyone who drives through the town.

Mike wants us to thank Elmwood Place’s mayor, Stephanie Morgan, the red neck City Clown-cil and the Ignorant Police Chief William Peskin for enriching Mike’s income as a result of their scandalous speed trap caper.

• FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why Obama was doing everything he could to convince his supporters to “Vote Early” in 2012. With all those new scandals coming out every day, he just wants to make sure all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct supporters vote before they hear the truth. “Which is strange,” Kane explained. “Because you wouldn’t think anybody who was stupid enough to vote for Obama in 2008 and was still stupid enough to plan on voting for Obama in 2012 (like Colin Powell), would let a little thing like Obama’s lies about four dead white Americans in Benghazi change their minds during the next ten days.”