Monday, October 8, 2012
What Local Undecided Voters Thought About the First Presidential Debate
Demoralized DemocRATS, Resuscitated Republicans, and the Mendacious Media are still reacting to the fallout from last Wednesday’s over-hyped Joint Presidential Candidate Press Conference with a Biased Liberal Moderator Wearing an Obama Button in Denver. Obama’s Obliteration was the most lop-sided loss since Custer rode out to meet the Indians.
Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says we should forget about politicians and the media, because the only people who really matter are those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed and still undecided voters will be going to the polls in only “28” more days to take part in the only poll that really matters.
So the Whistleblower rounded up some of the usual suspects for a focus group to ask these local people who still claim they had not made up their minds what they really thought about the upcoming elections.
Mama Maruska, Retired: How is anybody supposed to know which candidate to vote for until the Morning Fishwrap publishes its political endorsements?
Porky Dorkman, Student: My teacher (who belongs to an exempted union) says all Republicans are mean people who hate children, and if my parents don’t vote for Obama, one dark night the sheriff will send his thugs to arrest me.
Marlene Mandible, Totally Unemployed: I’m still waiting for a tingle to run up my leg whenever I hear Obama speak, just like Chris Matthews on PMSNBC.
Earl Pitts, Taxidermist: Because Rob Portman wasn’t chosen as Romney’s running mate, I’m voting for Libertarian Gary “The Spoiler” Johnson, if he’s still on the ballot.
Suzie Soccermom, Tea Party Princess: I’m just wish Sarah Palin were on the ticket again.
Leroy Williams, Pimp: The president of the local NAALCP and Cincinnati’s Colored Mayor both support Obama. Besides, Obama’s black, and that’s good enough for me.
Norma Rashid, Former TV Anchorwoman: If Republican in Congress would only forget about repealing the ObamaTax, I could just sit home alone waiting for you-know-who to call, except every time the phone rings it’s just another recorded message from Michelle telling me not to forget to send in another $3 for a chance to meet her and Obama.
CH Snitch, 1000 Main Street: This weekend, the Hamilton County RINO Party says all party hacks are gladly volunteering to walk door-to-door campaigning for Mitt Romney, Josh Mandel, Steve Chabothead, and “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup, because that’s the only way Republicans will be able to win the presidency and both Houses of Congress in November.
Linda Libel, Gossip Columnist: If The Blower would only forget about covering the political debates, maybe they could find more space to publish my salacious scandals and coverage of the trial of that disgraced Anderson Township Trustee for masturbating in a Wellborn woman’s car after she gave him a ride home from a party.
Bunky Tadwell, The Bard of Cleves: How’s this for my poem today?
In the days of the New Deal,
The words were “Tax and Spend.”
Now it’s Obama turn
Will this madness never end?
Jack Mehoff, Sperm Donor: I’m waiting to see how much I’ll be paid for my daily donations when ObamaCare takes effect.
Emily Frump, Feminist: I’m still hoping to see if Hillary replaces Joe Biden on the ticket.
Reverum Calhoun, Minister: Who cares how many white pastors defied the IRS on Sunday when they preached politics from the pulpit. I’m just waiting for Dishonest DemocRATS to pay me to tell my congregation to vote for Obama. Besides, Obama’s half black, and that’s good enough for me.
Seedy Diehl, Northern Kentucky Homeless Guy: What kind of idiot defense attorney announces to the world that his client is pleading guilty before the judge signs off on the plea deal?! Why, Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters, of course. Billy Bob the Bluegrass Bailiff says Crazy Eric may have negotiated a sweetheart of a plea deal for his client who previously claimed to be totally innocent, but until and unless the judge approves it, the trial is still on. So leave it to the Crazy One to give quotes to every TV station with a reporter working on the weekend, that jeopardize his own client’s right to a fair trial! Billy Bob is looking forward to seeing how the gift of a plea deal goes over with the judge. Betting line at the courthouse indicates approval of the deal is a long shot. But thanks, Eric, for telling us all she’s guilty ahead of time… as if we didn’t already know!
Rashid Jones, Streetcorner Pharmacist: I can’t believe Martin Luther King, Jr. was really a Republican. Besides, Obama’s black, and that’s good enough for me.
Tea Party Tim: We’re telling everybody to vote early so they can volunteer to work all day at the polls on Election Day.
Lance Loveguard, Sodomy Rites Activist: Obama and the DemocRATS support same-sex marriage, but those Libertarians think “Gay is OK” too.
Sid Schlock, Slumlord: If Republicans in Congress would only forget about their “Path to Prosperity,” some of those deadbeats on welfare who live in my run-down property in Avondale might even be able to afford to pay the rent.
Ken CamBoo, Northern Kentucky Journalist: So far I haven’t seen nearly enough of Obama’s negative attack ads on TV to help me make up my mind.
Ed Norton, Sewer Worker: I’m not really “undecided.” I just said it so you’d interview me, just like I do whenever a pollster calls on the telephone.
REAL AMERICANS HOT LINE
e-mail your ordinary views and opinions today.
Some focus group comments in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally unfocused subscribers.
Link of the Day
Saturday Night Live: Obama and Romney Face Off in Colorado
Also
‘SNL’ Relentlessly Mocks NBC News Debate Fallout
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