Friday, September 21, 2012
All The News That Fits, We Print!
Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says people who saw the front page of Thursday’s Fishwrap wouldn’t know there’s anything going in the outside world (besides a giant Jesus statue, Trolley Folly Update, and The Fishwrap’s weekly Global Warming Scare), much less the most important presidential election in the nation’s history in a mere “46” days. Here are just a few examples:- Mother Jones, that left-wing magazine which released a controversial video of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s remarks to a fundraiser in May, now admits that it has no full tape of what Romney said, and that its video is missing “one to two minutes” at the most important moment. How Convenient! Whistleblower Campaign Dirty Trickster says that reminds him of Nixon’s missing eighteen minutes.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Romney should’ve said: “I want Americans to be less dependent on government not because it costs too much. We will always help Americans who need our help. I want Americans to be independent so they can realize the pride of accomplishment and the dignity of work and contribute their God-given talents to build a better country.
“I think the success of a Presidency should be measured by how many fewer people need food stamps, how many fewer need disability, not how many more people are added to the rolls. I don’t want to take food stamps away from Americans in need. I want fewer Americans to need food stamps.”
Curiously, Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says 64% think too many Americans are on Government Financial Aid.
- Let’s face it, the Biased Liberal Media is in “Full Advertising Mode” for Obama’s Re-election. The Associated Press has even updated its logo. And isn’t it remarkable that people pay any attention to the mass of pundits, both left and right blogging their brains out these days? It wouldn’t be so bad if they were right just once in a while.
- Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1780, Benedict Arnold committed treason and Obama and DemocRATS in Congress are still blaming Romney and Ryan.
Meanwhile, Obama has been so busy these days, he’s still too busy celebrating “Talk Like a Pirate Day,” he was unable to find a few moments on his schedule for a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to discuss what might possibly happen when Israel drops the big one on Iran.
House Republicans passed the “Buffett Rule Act,” which allows Rich Liberals like Warren Buffet to pay more taxes any time they want. Who says John Boehner and the Republicans aren’t giving Obama everything he wants, since less than 48 hours after the gruesome and brutal terrorist attacks against Americans in Egypt and Libya, the Boehner-Led House railroaded $1.5 Billion in additional foreign aid to both countries through the House.- Did Obama really call that former GITMO Detainee who reportedly led the Benghazi Attack an “Ally of Sorts” during last year’s Uprising Against Gaddafi? That guy was supposed to be in jail for life. In Pakistan, the US Embassy is under siege and Murdering Muslims opened fire on a Nun in revenge for that silly Mohammed video Obama continues to claim caused all those riots. Talk about your appeasement—how long will it be before somebody compares Obama to Neville Chamberlain?
- Obama’s Unemployment Rate has been above 8% longer than any other President since 1948.
Monica Lewinsky is reportedly set to write a tell-all book about all those blow jobs in the Oral Office, including her intimate love letters to the former Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton and how Slick Willie had an insatiable desire for threesomes—and even The Blower would be interested to know the identity of the third person. Wasn’t Clinton the guy who nominated Obama for “Four More Years” at the DNC Convention earlier this month?- And new information now reveals Obama conducted interviews with entertainment magazines and posed for a photo spread last Friday as American embassies burned and 21 countries erupted into ant-American protests. At least Obama’s now going to his “intelligence briefings,” such as they are.
Is the Obama campaign now selling its own version of American flag, complete with “O” logo? How patriotic is that? The next thing you know, they’ll be selling their version of “Obama the Beautiful.”- Is Obama the most dishonest politician in history? Ohio’s Disingenuous DemocRAT US Senator Sherrod Brown has spent millions of dollars implying his opponent Josh Mandel’s pants are on fire, but Barack Hussein Obama has made dishonesty an art form.
Did you see him on the David Letterman show when Letterman asked him about his $16 Trillion National Debt? National News Spoofer Edward Cropper caught Obama’s act, when Obama said, “National Debt? We Ain’t Got No National Debt. We Don’t Need No National Debt. I Don’t Got To Show You No Stinking National Debt!”
Meanwhile, to what to our wondering eyes did appear on the front page of the Forest Hills Urinal this week? The top story was all about Judge Rucker’s finally setting a trial date for Kevin O’Brien’s long-awaited indecency trial, when our Disgraced Anderson Trustee will finally get to let it all hang out when that well-born woman testifies he played with his pecker before he’d get out of her car after she gave him a ride home from a party on May 13.- Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says as usual, there was nothing about Northern Kentucky politics on the front page of Thursday’s Fishwrap, but then there was nothing going on in Northern Kentucky politics to report.
Finally, at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, the Republican presidential and vice presidential nominees, being scheduled to campaign together in Cincinnati next Tuesday when they bring their three day bus tour through Ohio.
“Maybe if The Fishwrap announced that on the front page,” Kane explained, “Alex T., Mall Cop GOP and the rest of the folks at the Hamilton County RINO Party might be reminded to get their asses in gear to promote it.”
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today chose the Boy Scout’s “Be Prepared” Motto and our Good Friend Bobby Leach said he always thought they were talking about Trojans.
Stories We’re Working On
Jobless claims down to only 368,000 this week- Obama pitches “Last Supper”
- Duchess Kate’s Little Bitty Titty Photos
- HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius still not worried about being prosecuted for violating federal law
- No complaints about hurt feelings from The Blower
- After Wednesday night’s game, Reds “Magic Number” dropped to “3”
- Study says average penis size is shrinking
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Readers Poll respondents the Press should be outraged about this week:
(A) The White House lied about planned attacks on the Libyan Consulate: 2%
(B) Our Libyan Ambassador had no protection: 2%
(C) Obama’s Social Secretary Valerie Jarrett has five armed agents protecting her at all times: 2%
(D) Eric Holder still knows nothing about all those guns his underlings gave to Mexican murderers: 94%
Cheers for Beers
This week, everybody who wonders how they can call it Oktoberfest if it’s in September, faxed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Floyd Schnitzelflogger from Florence, KY, who likes Oktoberfest on Mainstrasse in Covington better, because at the one in Downtown Cincinnati this weekend, not as many girls will show you their breasts.
Floyd won his own Porto-let, a chicken to dance with, and a copy of this year’s “Girls Gone Wild” tape made at the Mainstrasse Village Pub. His winning entry is:
It’s time once again for Oktoberfest
That excuse to chug suds and keep abreast
Of all things mammarian. So let’s squeeze some jugs
As we give lots of hugs,
And chicken-dance with those of ample chest.
It’s time once again for Oktoberfest
When you can wear lederhosen undt ein leather vest
You can guzzle the suds,
In your fake German duds,
But remember to avoid that sobriety test.
It’s time once again for Oktoberfest
Mit lager undt chicken dances, it was the best!
Ve know der Queen City is Kraut,
But isn’t this beer fest worn out?
Gott in Himmel! Can’t they give it a rest?
It’s time once again for Oktoberfest
A festival that beats all the rest
There’s Krauts in short pants
And the rubber chicken dance
They’d love you to come as their guest!
And here’s a dishonorable mention from Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis:
At Oktoberfest you’re allowed to drink beer,
And dress up in real German gear.
You can wear lederhosen
And Birkenstocks to put your toes in,
But if you bend over, you better cover your rear.
And from the Anderson Laureate (who now knows why his poetic license is being revoked):
It’s time once again for Oktoberfest
Mit sauerkraut, brats and the rest.
Cherman guys in short pants
Doing the lederhosen chicken dance
Believe me, I don’t want to be a pest.
But why don’t we have an event
Where money on beer is not spent.
There’s whiskey and wine
And tequila so fine
And on those we can spend every cent.
Now as far as my limericks are concerned
Some people’s dislike I’ve earned
I try to be nice
But take my advice
Be careful, ’cause a poet can get burned.
By some I am loved, by others I’m hated
To a moron I’m occasionally equated
But my poems are my art
Even though I’m not very smart
I just want my poetic license reinstated.
So I’ll say “Auf wiedersehn,” my friends
This is where my limerick ends
Enjoy Oktoberfest
My critique is in jest
I’ve been there in my lederhosen Depends.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“When the Reds clinched the pennant this year”
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Some Fairweather Fan items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Fairweather Fan subscribers.
Link of the Day
Mitt Romney: “This Is A Campaign About The 100 Percent”
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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