Sunday, September 2, 2012
Pollution-Fest is Coming
- If you’re running a small company and you’re even thinking about depositing a little waste into the Ohio River, the full force of the Obama Administration will come down upon your miserable pollution-loving ass. You’ll be threatened, harassed, protested against, fined, and maybe even thrown in jail.
- Billions of dollars have been spent to clean up that river. The Metropolitan Sewer District is constantly raising your rates to purify the water before they’ll even put it back into the river.
- But when it’s time for the annual Labor Day Pollution-Fest this weekend, they’ll be dumping tons of crap into the river. After days of non-stop media hype, they’ll even put it on live TV for the whole Tri-state to see, along with music especially prepared for the occasion. Crowds of people who were too stupid to stay home and watch free fireworks on TV will cheer wildly from both sides of the river as it happens.
- But here’s one thing they didn’t do: They didn’t dare ask the EPA bureaucrats, the Sierra Club, the Audubon Society, Environmentalists Against Bush, Friends of the Catfish, Rivers Unlimited, Racist Black Boycotters, or PETA nudists to protest this one.
- There will be no smog alerts Sunday night when all that pyrotechnic pollution covers our beautiful river valley.
- No tear was shed for aquatic life when the entire residue will be unceremoniously dumped into the river.
No one will complain about how much over-taxed payers’ money will be spent to clean up the tons of trash afterwards.- Did you ever wonder why the environmental whackos will take a night off as the environment-be-damned crowd takes over and blows off their silly fireworks to pollute the land, water, and air? That’s probably why our Quote for Today Committee chose Robert Orben’s: “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.”
- You can thank Cheap Channel Broadcasting. Those Greedy Weasels are pollution experts. They’ve been fouling the air waves for years. No wonder Toyota bailed out after the 2006 fireworks show.
- “That’s right,” says Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo. “If Riverfest is supposed to be such a BFD family event, why do WEBN’s family values announcers encourage women of low moral character passing in boats to show them their big breasts?”
- WEBN says they are going to have a “SUPRISE LOCATION” for a new round of explosions at Pollution-fest. We wish the tree frog people would blow up Avondale, Evanston, Mt. Washington, some parts of Norwood, Price Hill, Lower Clifton, and the Killing Fields of Over-the-Rhine. That would make for a great Labor Day week-end! None of those people work anyway. Think of it: if they blow-up the 25% of the City that doesn’t work, we could eliminate unemployment, social programs, food pantries, and the homeless. After all, the Liberal solution to the poverty rate in Cincinnati is to tax the people who work even more until they leave too.
- Hurley the Historian says fireworks dates back to 7th century China, where they were invented; Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says according to Jeff Foxworthy, you know you’re a redneck if your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand; and Three-Fingers Finnegan says, “Watch out for those cherry bombs.”
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
POLLUTION-FEST HOT LINE
e-mail your political pyrotechnics today.
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers, like this tasteful photograph actually taken at a WEBN Radio audition.
