Where will the Distaste of Cincinnati be this weekend? As usual, the Distaste of America’s Worst Run City will be downtown. But scared suburbanites still don’t need Demon Lynchmob, Rhymin’ Reverends, Ken “Mad Dawg” Lawson, SMLP Smithermouth, producers of “Cops,” Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory, Disgruntled DemocRAT Tracie Hunter, or the rest of Judge Mr$. $tan Che$ley’s political posse of racial terrorists to tell them to stay away. They will figure that out for themselves, simply because it’s a really overrated event. Urging black people to stay away is not much of a threat. In fact, if Black Boycotter Nate “Rhymes With Hate” Livingston could positively guarantee no Negros would ever show up, downtown crowds would probably double.
Maybe next year Liz Roger’s Over-Taxed Payer Subsidized Million Dollar Soul Food Bistro, if it’s still in business, could have a booth so black folks would feel more welcome.
H. L. Mencken once remarked that “nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” That goes triple for the tri-state. Remember, these are the same foolish folks who actually voted to spend a billion dollars for a football stadium to be used ten times a year by a team that just couldn’t be hyped enough.
And don’t forget our Mediocre American Ball Park, where Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says Señor Bob’s millionaire ballplayers have not yet reverted to mid-season form and Typical Reds Fan Farley Fairweather was celebrating Dusty’s Little Red Machine at the top of the National League’s Central Division.
Panhandlers and protesters beware. There’s a red terror alert downtown, and despite budget problems at City Hall and the fact that our new joke Police Chief is still afraid to take the test that would authorize him to make an arrest, Cincinnati Police say they’re totally prepared. Once again, our good friend Officer Matt “Shoot His Dick Off” Martin will be on duty and Fang-man’s Fanatics have a beanbag with your name on it. How would you like the taste of mace in your face? But if you do show up, Kneepad Liberals in the Press will make sure to get you on TV— a lot. Our Nine Fine Clowns on City Clown-cil and our Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor who’s waiting for people to complain about jacked-up drive-by property appraisals,won’t be able to stay away. Our Blue Chip Young Republicans say Ghizzy Lizzy will be there with her friends from the Log Cabin Republicans, too
And with more than 500 days until Cincinnati Clown-cil Elections in 2013, it’s no wonder all those Extreme Liberals (including The Windbag) think it’s OK for over-taxed payers to subsidize this over-crowded event. It’s a good opportunity to walk around and meet prospective voters. Will Dumpy DemocRAT Ohio First District One-Term Congressman Steve Drinkhaus’ be enjoying a Taste of Swaziland this weekend? Maybe Obama could jet in on Air Force One for a fund-raiser. With that crowd, his stumbling campaign wouldn’t have to worry about no-shows. Jerry Springer might even be spotted looking for more trampy older women to boink, and We Still Can’t Believe He’s A Judge P-P-P-Patrick DeWhine will even be there sampling chitins for old times’ sake, while over-taxed payer funded ACORN Census Takers will be registering people for Obama’s 2012 re-election campaign in only “163” more days. At least our local Tea Party Patriots could be there collecting signatures on their latest petition, whatever the hell it’s supposed to accomplish.
And guess what, Cincinnati State’s Culinary Program lost $217,000 last year! Surprise, surprise! Jean-Robert de Cavel is its “chef in residence,” so cut his salary! Odell Owens is the school’s President. He’s paid $225,000 and was given a $30,000 bonus. WHY? Someone is NOT watching the pot boil over!
Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters says if you get ptomaine poisoning, he’d be glad to sue the vendor for you, except that the Ohio Supreme Court just suspended his law license for 61 days, just like the Bluegrass Bar Association did, except they forgot to mail his license back to him when his suspension was supposed over. Maybe “Crazy Eric” should’ve enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope when he mailed it in.
Meanwhile, the Hamilton County RINO Party Alex T., Mall Cop GOP looks like he’s had too much blueberry juice, like that obnoxious little girl in Willie Wonka. “JayWalking Joe” Deters and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane say they’re not coming this year, especially since folks from the China Gourmet won’t be there offering their favorite hot-and-sour soup.
Holding this year’s Distaste of Cincinnati at Fountain Square is just about what you’d expect from the worst-run city in America that spent $42 million to wipe out every business in the area for two years while they moved the Fountain six feet north during their guaranteed one-year renovation project, and now wants to piss away more than a billion dollars for their Trolley Folly.
Why didn’t they move the event to the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center? We hear they have a lot of totally unused space there.
What we’d really like to see is a food fight— something from Animal House, Laurel and Hardy, or the Three Stooges. That would really be great.
But did you hear the one about the Cannibal Restaurant? They were featuring Broiled Missionary for $10, Fried Explorer for $15, Grilled Republican for $20, and Baked DemocRAT for $100. A lady asked, “Why so much more for a DemocRAT?” and the cook said, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all day.”
Years ago, the original “Taste of Cincinnati” event used to be pretty good. Restaurants you wished you could afford even offered some of their finest delicacies at really reasonable prices. But now it’s too much of the kind of fast food you can get at any food court at the Mall, only higher than at the airport. How did they ever miss having Beano as a sponsor?
Driving downtown has always been expensive, even before you had to take out a second mortgage to fill the tank on your SUV. Angry Andersonian Duffy Beischel says, “But trekking downtown to eat an overpriced chicken wing or a meatball on a stick? You’ve got to be kidding.” Liberal Lunatics say Cincinnati’s Girly Man Mayor Mark Mallory’s Trolley Folly would be the answer, along with letting Obama supporters swipe their food stamp cards.
Then, of course, there’s over-priced parking and walking, and the odor of Port-o-lets and perspiration and dirty feet. That truly ought to make your senses tingle.
And where will all the beautiful people be this weekend? They won’t be at Distaste of Cincinnati. But trailer parks will be deserted, and those folks will be downtown with their screaming kids, dirty diapers, and stinking bare feet during the holiday heatwave. Women wearing crotchless panties who’ve just come from visiting the jail will also be there. No wonder Horny from Hebron will be there looking for Girls Gone Wild.
But Whistleblower Food Editor Martin Upchuck says nobody really goes to Distaste of Cincinnati for “the food.” They go for beer and pizza. LaRosa’s will probably sell more crappy pizza than all the food the other restaurants sell combined. “Junketing Jean” Schmidt’s Press Flack Barrett Brunsman says his boss gets all her pizza delivered at home, ever since she married off her daughter Emilie to Buddy LaRosa’s grandson. And will Mean Jean’s enabler Senator Rob “Fighting for Frijoles” Portman be there campaigning for vice president, wearing his “Boring White Guy” T-Shirt.
Wow! Izzy’s will be at Distaste of Cincinnati and you can buy a crappy Izzy’s Reuben sandwich for only $5. Do you think New York Times food critic Frank Bruni would say, “Now there’s another reason to gas up and drive downtown?” Actually, Bruni wrote about Gold Star Chili in his “Life in the Fast Food Lane” column in 2006: “It was a gummy nest of thin noodles, which were covered by a watery chili, which was in turn covered by rubbery orange confetti that bore a passing resemblance to cheese.” And to think Little Lord John Joseph Cranley IV married into that family for the free chili.
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo wonders how many hand sinks will be available at the Distaste of Cincinnati to keep people from spreading the Swine Flu. At least organizers again showed good sense by keeping Willie’s Hepatitis-Free Sports Cafe out when Willie insisted on serving Mad Cow Burgers, and Weight Watchers dropouts Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich say they’re not showing up because the Golden Corral all-you-can-eat buffet won’t be there.
It’s hard to believe that this year’s Best in Taste’s “Award of Excellence” went to someplace called Claddagh Irish Pub for its Jameson Burger, instead of this king-sized, Weight Gainers approved, 48-million calorie hamburger from Gluttons. We guess that means Burbank’s Real Barbecue’s Memphis-style ribs were too hard to eat again this year. But who actually won the “Worst of Taste?” Save the trip downtown. For $4 and a coupon, “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says you can get all the crappy food you can stomach at any one of 27 all-you-can eat Chinese buffets in the Food Court in Anderson Township, although most avoirdupois Andersonians prefer the Hibachi Grille in Cherry Grove. And isn’t Wertheim’s in Northern Kentucky? Miss Vicki says she’s surprised this so-called “Cincinnati event” wasn’t actually held at Newport on the Levee.
This year during the Great Obama Recession, Distaste of Cincinnati will be more expensive than ever, so the Restaurant Association could afford their rain and riot insurance. Paying $7 for a slimy piece of raw squid is outrageous. Everybody was hoping Cincinnati Water Works would be giving away free water again, even if you had to bring your own cup.
And how about that so-called entertainment? Suburban residents can give up their soft sounds to hear all that deafening diversity coming simultaneously from the Fountain Square Stage, the Government Square Stage, the Chemed Plaza Stage, and the Metromix Stage at P&G Gardens, where the mega-hit rock ‘n roll band The Chillseekers will be signing autographs after performing “The Flashlight Theater Music Video”Unfortunately, these days white musical groups are so bad, it’s no wonder WGRR went out of the Oldiesfest business in New Richmond, especially after Jim LaBabbler died.
We liked it better in the old days when you could see Foxy Roxy and Bobbie Sterne dirty dancing. Marge Schott was right, may the old girl rest on peace. More than three decades years ago, the original Taste of Cincinnati was good in the beginning, but it just went too far.
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
Top Ten List
Today it’s the Top Ten Things scared suburbanites really doesn’t want to hear in Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory’s murder-free zone at “Distaste of Cincinnati”:
10. “Did you remember to wear your bullet-proof vest?”
9. “Do you think there should be more policemen around?”
8. “They keep telling us on the news how safe it is.”
7. “What time does the sun go down?”
6. “What do you mean, you’re not voting for Obama, Whitey?”
5. “Isn’t that the Mayor dancing with his bodyguard?”
4. “Maybe that old lady likes being choked.”
3. “Did you ever see so many black people in your life?”
2. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
…and the Number One thing your wife really doesn’t want to hear in Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory’s murder-free zone at “Distaste of Cincinnati” is… “Hey, where are all the white women at?”
The above illustration was done by Woodrow J. Hinton
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Link of the Day
Don’t attend “Distaste of Cincinnati” without it
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