Saturday, May 12, 2012

Don’t Forget Mother’s Day Tomorrow

• Mother’s Day is getting to be too commercial. This year they started putting up decorations right after Kwanzaa. Then there’s all that Mother’s Day music on the radio and everybody goes around wishing each other “Happy Mother’s Day,” even if you’re Jewish, but then their “Why Haven’t You Called Your Mother” celebration lasts for eight days. (Cincinnati Bell says Mother’s Day is the one day each year your mom won’t mind if you call her collect.)  And all those Mothers you see in the stores aren’t the real Mother. They’re only Mother’s little helpers. And on Mother’s Day Eve, little children will be waiting for that Big Mother to come down the chimney. But you know they’re really hyping it, when you see Mother’s Day cards for fathers at Walgreens. No wonder a group calling itself Mothers Acting Up is holding a big parade tomorrow to help lead the observance of Mother’s Day back to its roots. Of course, hairy-legged Feminists will be against Mother’s Day. And now we know why our Quote for Today Committee chose “Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”
• Tomorrow Obama Supporters in the Press will be in full swoon over their Messiah’s Mother’s Day Message to same-sex mothers. But why should tomorrow be any different?
• At Cincinnati City-Clown-cil, SMLP Smithermouth and The Windbag are promoting a Million Yo Mommas March Against Black-on-Black Violence. (In the picture to the right, This Mama Ain’t Playin’, as her poor misunderstood yoof is forced to stand holding a sign that says “Hi, I’m 18 years old. I STEAL! I want to go to prison to be with my daddy!”)
• Meanwhile, at Cincinnati City Hall, everybody remembers when former Vice Mayor Stevecia Reece threatened to send a Big Mother to beat you up if you told the FBI about her Daddy’s deals. Our City Hall Snitch wonders what Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory will be giving his big Black burly bodyguard for Mother’s Day, as well as what will be on his Chocolate Doughboy City Mangler’s “honey-do” list. And did Mallory ever rescind Val the Impaler’s directives that all department heads and supervisors ensure that Whistleblower Mother’s Day greetings are not posted on City Hall bulletin boards, because the former City Manager said anybody who fails to regard her directive as a serious matter will be subject to extreme disciplinary action?
• Over at the Courthouse, Clerk of Courts Tracy Winkler says if you want to see if your mom is being getting garnisheed, you can always check it out on her web page. If you want to see how much your mom’s property values were jacked up, you can look it up on the Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor’s web page. Republicans for Higher Taxes always wants your mom to pay higher taxes, but Double-faced DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune will have to wait for his next chance to raise your mother’s taxes on the first chance he gets, with a little help from RINO Commissioner Me, Greg Hartmann. Also at the Courthouse, our still recovering Jungle Fever Boy Judge P-P-P-Patrick DeWhine remembers that time he didn’t feel welcome on Mother’s Day if he showed up at the Sniveling Senator’s farm in Cedarville with another fat Black floozie.
• Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka says his hero Jerry Springer is planning a tasteful Mother’s Day tribute on his TV show, including listing all the mothers he’d pay to have sex with. Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP plans to write another meaningless Mother’s Day message on his blog, while getting a raise for his wife on that $50,000-per-year no-qualifications necessary, alimony-reducing “Assistant to the Administrator” job at Greed Township. Dumpy DemocRAT Obama-Loving Former Ohio First District One-Term Congressman Steve Drinkhaus wonders what the word for Mother is in Swazi, the southern Bantu language spoken in Swaziland. The Ohio RINO Party is sending out Mother’s Day Cards for all of their “Rubber Stamp Central Committee Members still being united by retread Chairman Boob Bennett. Lame-Duck Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Bought-and-paid-For Tax-and-Spend Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt plans to send out plagiarized Mother’s Day greetings using her over-taxed payer funded e-mail, and “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be wishing moms a Happy Mother’s Day too, but only if his handlers Alex T. and Rob “Fighting for Family Values” Portman say it’s OK. Meanwhile, all the other Crooks in Congress say, “Your mother doesn’t need a tax cut, but thanks a lot for our own heath care benefits, as well as our last raise.”
• Black people especially appreciate Mother’s Day. In the ‘hood, they use the word “mother” in so many colorful ways. Many of these “mothers” are on Cincinnati’s Likely Killers List. And in Lower Price Hill, Mamacitas in Cinco-de-Natti will enjoy a delicious Mother’s Day burrito. At Loveland’s Dildo World, Patty Brisben says, “Send your mom something nice in a plain brown wrapper.” The Blower’s 2007 Tri-state Mother of the Year Donna Trevino says if any of her friends in the news media would like to stop by on Mother’s Day, please bring a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken— extra crispy. And in Anderson Township, Trustee “In Russ We Trust?” Jackson says, “When you take mom out for Mother’s Day brunch around here, you’d better hope she likes Chinese food.” And if you still have any money left during the Obama Recession, you can always Google all those overpriced restaurants in Greater Cincinnati to see if any of them are offering Dom Perignon and Bollinger at half price on Mother’s Day.
• On Mother’s Day, many sons-in-law would like to send their wives back, except “Jaywalking Joe” Deters, who says he hopes his wife looks half as good in a thong bikini as her mother when she reaches Judge Sylvia “Big Momma” Hendon’s age.
• In Y’All Ville, Mayor Blondie Whalen says Victoria’s Secret suggests see-through lingerie for mom. In Independence, where incest is best, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Mother’s Day is always a family affair, because it’s also Cousin’s Day. At Mainstrasse Pub, single mothers with big breasts always drink free. In Covington, the new law says you can’t discriminate against a mother, especially if she’s a lesbian, while Whistleblower Alternative Life-style Columnists Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis get to play “Mommy and Daddy,” and our Cross-Dressing Attorney tries on some more of his mom’s clothes. Gex “Rhymes with Sex” Williams says in southern Boone County, they even have Mother’s Day cards for barnyard animals. Elsewhere in Northern Kentucky, illegal alien moms are being rounded-up and deported. Former Governor Paul Patton Her on the Ass says Mother’s Day is always a great day to enjoy a three-way, just like every other day.
• Former Governor Ernie Fletcher says he hopes your mother isn’t indicted on Mother’s Day. We hope Kenton County County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders doesn’t forget to put out a special Mother’s Day e-dition of his titillating e-newsletter this week. At the Kenton County Escape Center, Terry “The Smiling” Jailer says those delicious baloney sandwiches are still on the menu for Mother’s Day at Chez Bastille. Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters says he’ll be glad to sue your Mother, as soon as he gets that little suspension thing cleared up. Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell are hoping for a real orgasm on Mother’s Day. Michael Liquid Plummer and his designated driver Nathan “Cornbread” Smith say they can drink your mother under the table. Clueless Marc Wilson says he’ll be taking his Mother to the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Golden Corral. On Flashlight Theatre, they’ll be showing that sci-fi thriller “Mothers from Outer Space.” Across the street from the Peace Bell in Newport, the manager of the Goodyear store says, “Give mom a lube job.” And Perry the Pervert says, “This year, forget the Whitman’s Sampler that’ll make her ass bigger. Get mom what she really wants– a 10 HP Craftsman penis stretcher for dad from Sears.” Perry explains, “It eventually works.”
• Finally, Bluegrass Rifle Association spokesman Billy Bob Carbine says his mother needed protection, so he went out and bought his pistol-packing mama another Glock, along with a concealed carry permit.

Some Things Your Mother Taught You

• TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
• RELIGION: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
• TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
• LOGIC: ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
• MORE LOGIC: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
• FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
• IRONY: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.” 
• CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
• STAMINA: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
• WEATHER: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
• HYPOCRISY: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
• CIRCLE OF LIFE: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
• BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!”
• ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
• ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until we get home.”
• RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when you get home!”
• MEDICAL SCIENCE: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.” 
• ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
• HUMOR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
• HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
• GENETICS: “You’re just like your father.”
• ROOTS: “Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?”
• WISDOM: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And our favorite:  

• JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”