Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

Did Paul E. Kostyu (our new guy in Columbus) and the Dissociated Press forget to show you a picture of all those empty seats at Saturday’s big rally for Obama and Michelle at The Ohio State University? —Feckless Fishwrappers
Disappointed DemocRATS called the crowd at Obama’s rally “half full.” Republicans called it “half empty.” —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders
Did you see where all day Sunday on TV, Disingenuous DemocRATS were forced to spin the size of the crowd? —Romney’s Aides at Obama’s Rallies
Empty words for empty seats. —Right-Wing Bloggers
Those weren’t empty seats. Those were our Dead Voters. —DemocRAT Vote Frauders
Who papered the windshields of people attending Saturday’s rally with copies of my restraining order? —Sherrod Brown
With only “181” days away until the November Elections, why did we just figure out Obama was lying about his “composite girlfriend?” Maybe it’s because, just like with Obama’s “Dog Eating Story,” we were too busy giving Obama a pass in 2008 and couldn’t bother to check his background. —Obama Supporters in the Press
Please don’t show that picture of the girl I used to go out with.—Bill Clinton
If you struck from Barack Obama’s vocabulary the first-person singular pronoun, he would fall silent, which would be a mercy to us and a service to him, actually, because he was been so incontinent for the last three years that you wind up with, as you said, The Ohio State University with empty seats. —Columnist George Will
Today is “Victory in Europe Day (V-E Day),” commemorating the end of fighting in Europe during World War II. Obama will no doubt be taking full credit for that military victory too. —Hurley the Historian
Just because Saturday Night Live cancelled the sketch that criticized Obama for spiking the football for killing Osama bin Laden and replaced it with a Fox News parody doesn’t make us biased. —NBC
When a Colombian prostitute calls Obama’s bodyguards “fools,” that says a lot about your agency’s credibility. —The U.S. Secret Service
So how did I do on my VP audition when I campaigned with Mitt Romney in Cleveland on Monday? —Rob “Fighting for Fund-raisers” Portman
Did anybody see where my Eviler Twin Sister Jennifer Black and I finished first and second in the “Wrinkle Puss Women’s Division” at Sunday’s Flying Pig Marathon? —“Jogging Jean” Schmidt
How long should it take the campaign manager that Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP chose for me, to update my web page? —“Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup
Did anybody see the Ohio Republican Party just named me “Senior Adviser for Coalition Outreach” (whatever the hell that is)? —Revered Former Congressman Bob McEwen
We had things under such control in Ohio last weekend, we joined that RINO Hunt in Indiana, trying bag Senator Richard Lugar. —Greater Cincinnati Tea Party Patriots
Sodomy Rites Activists at the University of Cincinnati would like to thank The Blower for helping them publicize our “QueerCat Pride Week” last week. —Whistleblower Alternate Life-Styles Columnists Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
At today’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane reminded everybody there that today there were only 14 more days until the May 22 primary elections in Kentucky. —Bluegrass Campaign Countdown Clock Watchers
What elections? —Northern Kentucky voters
Do you think Obama will show up in Kentucky before the election? —Dispirited DemocRATS
Is it too late to schedule a meaningful debate? —League of Women Vipers
Candidates need to buy more ads. —Greedy TV Ad Salesmen
Whichever Republican candidate wins the Congressional primary can start doing my “Constituent Service Work” immediately, since people in my offices have not done a lick of that ever since I announced I wasn’t running for re-election. —Congressman Goof Doofus
A second Super PAC supporting Thomas Massie (Austin, Texas-based Liberty For All) has opened an office in Bellevue with six staff people calling voters and going door-to-door. —Conservative Kentuckians
If I endorse “Trooper Babe” for Goof Doofus’ seat instead of Judge No Moore and she gets elected, she will give Scott “Pass The Biscuits” Kimmich a job in her office so he won’t run against me. —Kenton County Judge-Defective Arlinghaus
Please don’t mention Kentucky Right to Life endorsed my opponent Chris McDaniel for the 23rd Senate District in Kenton County. —Political Gadfly Will “The Thrill” Terwort, still reportedly employed as a bag boy at the Remke-Biggs in Hebron
Since The Blower always seems to have such good information, could you please tell me how much longer I’ll be on suspension? —Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters
Has my horse crossed the Kentucky Derby finish line yet? —Kendall Hansen
That’s why we chose Will Rogers’ “Money, horse racing and women, three things the boys just can’t figure out.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
When will it be River Downs’ turn to host the Kentucky Derby? —TV19’s Trish the Dish
Sheree Paolello says that doesn’t make any sense. River Downs is in Ohio, so it would have to be the Ohio Derby. —TV5

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

Sometimes The Blower ridicules “composite girlfriends” to show embellishing your past deeds is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t an elected official.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially pompous politicians.

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Daily Archives: May 8, 2012

Empty Seats Edition