Friday, April 13, 2012
Top Ten List
Today it’s the Top Ten Excuses incoming Ohio RINO Party Boss Boob Bennett won’t mention he was the one who foisted his protégé, Currently Resigning-in-Disgrace Party Boss Kevin DeWhine, on the Party in the first place:
10. I forgot
9. The dog ate it
8. She told me she loved me
7. I did it to help the homeless
6. The Devil made me do it
5. I just wanted to be loved–is there anything wrong with that?
4. I left the party in shambles last time I was in charge
3. I was framed
2. This whole thing is just one big terrible mistake
…and the Number One Reason Ohio incoming Ohio RINO Party Boss Boob Bennett won’t mention he was the one who foisted his protégé, Currently Resigning-in-Disgrace Party Boss Kevin DeWhine, on the Party in the first place is… Kevin’s Cousin, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWhine said nobody would ever find out.
Happy Friday the Thirteenth, Everybody!
Our Garrulous Grammarian says the first thing we need to do is to explain the difference between “Triskaidekaphobia” and “Paraskevidekatriaphobia”
Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number thirteen. It comes from “treiskaideka,” the Greek word for thirteen plus “phobia,” which means “fear of,” so Triskaidekaphobia would be “a fear of thirteen.”
Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the Fear of Friday the 13th. The word “paraskevidekatriaphobia” was devised by Dr. Donald Dossey, who told his patients that “when you learn to pronounce it, you’re cured!
Obama’s October Surprise
Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says now that Obama has totally divided the country over the Trayvon Martin Debacle, White House Spokes Dweeb Jay Cardboard said the Obama Administration will have nothing more to say that cute little yoof who could’ve been his Obama’s son.
In a related item, Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder has agreed with Racial Racketeer Al Sharpton that the “White Hispanic” accused murderer George Zimmerman should go on trial a week before the Presidential Election in only “206” more days.
- Sunday is our dreaded Tax Day and our local Tea Partiers are having a big feel good rally on Fountain Square to demand a Balanced Budget Amendment. Meanwhile, Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says a lot of Americans still haven’t filed their taxes, but luckily, this year you have until Tuesday night at midnight to make sure your check is in the mail. Our Quote for Today Committee chose Ronald Reagan’s “The taxpayer – that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” But Hurley the Historian says please don’t make any comparisons between Obama and Lincoln tomorrow, since Lincoln was shot on April 14 in 1865.
- In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says Ohio Republican Senator Rob “Fighting for Fund-raisers” Portman campaigning for the vice presidential nomination on Thursday, and Steve Chabothead has applied to be The Robster’s campaign spokesman.
- DemocRAT Dirt Diggers looking for information showing the surprise winner of Ohio’s Second Congressional District Primary is not really ready to be in Congress turned up some interesting information this week. Ironically, the dirt turned out to be on one of “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Flying Monkeys. Maybe it’s time for a “Where Are They Now” Update on the original Schmidt-Heads.
One of Mean Jean Schmidt’s original Flying Monkeys was then-UC-College Republican “Bigshot Ben” Ertel. Ertel was one of the leaders of Schmidt’s “dirty work” squad, which did things like sending Help Wanted ads to lure staffers from opposing campaigns, and posting nasty, anonymous comments on political blogs. Ben was also reputed to be one of the legendary sign thieves of all time, in both Hamilton and Clermont counties. Her Meanness rewarded him with a make-work job on her Congressional staff, so the over-taxed payers paid his salary while he served as Phone Boy Nick Owens’ assistant. In 2008, and with such a glittering resume, Ben was the party’s ideal choice to ruin the McCain-Palin campaign in Hamilton County, where he led that campaign to a “historic” loss, becoming the first Republican in decades to lose Hamilton County in a Presidential election year. Ben told anyone who cared he would be heading off to bigger and better things at law school. By now, Ben should be graduating law school and landing a job at one of Downtown’s top legal firms, with such grand accomplishments at such a young age. But could this be the same Benjamin Ertel pictured here. This Ben’s certainly gotten to know his way around the legal system, as a check of Tracy Winkler’s website www.courtclerk.org will reveal. Case #/11/CRA/38128 just ended a few weeks ago.
The Cincinnati City Mess You Will Only Read About Here
- Cincinnati mayor Mark Mallory fulfilled his kitschy lowbrow acting desires once again Tuesday evening by presenting his “State of the City” report in a one-man show on the stage of the Aronoff Center.
Mallory dramatically paced around the stage with a microphone, flapping his arms and proclaiming what a wonderful guy he is for bringing us the streetcar to nowhere. Our very own drama queen.
Mallory used the occasion to brag about all that over-taxed money he and the rubber stampers on his Extreme Liberal Clown-cil were wasting on his Trolley Folley. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception just sent us the latest design, which undoubtedly will be as pristine in 20 years, since it will get virtually no use.
On another Cincinnati City Mess note, Cincinnati’s useless and ignorant police chief, James Craig, a legal resident of the state of California, can’t even qualify to be a starting police recruit in his own department. The city is now advertising for a new police recruit class. Among the rules for qualification on the city of Cincinnati web page, under human resources, it states all applicants “must be a resident of Hamilton County” and “must have a valid Ohio driver’s license upon appointment.”
The Ebonics-speaking chief keeps his resident status in California. He rents living space here, along with his furniture. He also retains a California driver’s license. He can’t make arrests and cannot uphold Ohio law.
- Was this an instance of the long arm of the law? Santa Fe, New Mexico police Sgt. Michael Eiskant was caught on his own cruiser cam audibly masturbating while on duty. Eiskant could be heard unzipping his fly and shouting out in passion while alone in his cruiser. He has pleaded no contest to several unrelated criminal charges when the video was obtained by a TV station, which they delightfully played over and over. Talk about a touchy situation.
Yesterday at The Fishwrap, “Huggable Howard” Wilkinson (shown embracing DemocRAT Congressional Candidate Paul Hackett) advised all his Facebook Friends that he had just walked into the newsroom for the last time, because after 29 years, six months, and two days, today he will be officially “retired.” Does that mean we shouldn’t still be sending his Blower to hwilkinson@enquirer.com?- At this week’s night’s FCPS Bored of Education meeting, Julie Sell-your-soul finally went on the attack, criticizing bored members for cutting so many teacher positions. It’s a little late for all that Julie, after you’ve let Evil Bolton and Mary “Money Bags” Ronan bitch slap you all over Cincinnati since you’ve taken office.
Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather seems to be far less manic-depressive these days. Maybe he has learned something from the roller coaster ride that was the last two seasons played by his beloved Cincinnat-uh Redlegs. Despite the fact that his Little Red Machine dropped the first two games in the series with the dreaded Redbirds in convincing fashion, Farley is ecstatic about Chris Heisey’s ninth-inning, game-winning heroics that won Game Three. And Joey Votto went 4 for 5 as he got his first weekly million dollar paycheck. Cueto was serviceable. Chapman was lights-out! But what the heck? On Thursday, there were still 156 games to be played. Now let’s just avoid laying the proverbial egg on this upcoming road trip, like losing the first game on a wild pitch in the tenth inning! - Finally, at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane about all that local coverage of the Trayvonization of America, because local members of the media had really been beating the bushes looking for people to comment on the trial. “But it’s that way every day on whatever the top story might be,” our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher explained. “Like Obamacare on Wednesday, and Tax Freedom Day on Thursday, the Liberals’ Racial Exploitation during this year’s campaign on Friday is also something a competent congressional candidate should be commenting on, if only we were so blessed.
Bluegrass Burdens
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says procrastinators are really taking advantage of the extra two days to pay their taxes this year, which why staffers at H&R Doofus offices will be bus all weekend helping constituents file their tax returns. Just bring in all your receipts in a shoe box or a shopping bag, and the Goofster’s aides will give you all the personal attention you deserve, especially since with their boss’ retirement, there’s no campaigning to do. - Isn’t it ironic that after spending tens of thousands of tax payer dollars to remodel his posh offices on the third floor of the Kenton County Building, which includes sound proofed walls in his office with a complete view of the Cincinnati skyline and his own private bathroom. He is now suing Kenton County Judge Executive Steve Arlinghaus for remodeling an employee breakroom for a mere $10,000.00. Garry’s furniture in his office cost more than what Arlinghaus spent on this remodeling job. What a hypocrite!
- Can it be that the former Chief Deputy of the Kenton County Clerk’s Office and a loyal Whistleblower reader, had to file suit to have his attorney’s fees covered after being wrongfully accused by some office cry babies and “Crazy Eric” Deters. Danny Miles is quoted as saying “doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but it’s still the right thing.” Let’s hope this gets settled before it goes too far down an ugly road for the Fiscal Court.
- Our Vanilla Hills snitches tell us that Mayor Mike Martin has decided to do a “Nixon” and impede the investigation of Special Counsel Phil Taliaferro. The latest? Martin refused to allow a computer forensics expert examine the hard drives that the miscreant mayor removed from City premises after hours in his own vehicle.
When Martin was originally questioned about that odd move he claimed he took computers that were “in storage.” It was quickly discovered that these hard drives were actually being “stored” at employee work stations.
For a guy who claims he has nothing to hide, Martin is acting like he has a whole lot to conceal. We’ll find out beginning April 30 when the Special Counsel presents his initial findings.
Stories We’re Working On
-
Jobless claims jump; highest since January - Obama admits Buffett Rule is just a big gimmick
- White House caught paying women less than men
- Biden hails Al Franken as leading legal scholar
- Cincinnati Native Charlie Manson’s Parole Hearing
- New Brent Spence Bridge doesn’t need no exits
- Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters’ offers “Family Rates”
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said will be the most creative deduction on their tax forms:
(A) Mortgage interest on foreclosed houses: 2%
(B) Cable bills as “media research”: 1%
(C) Claiming your dog as a dependent, because he’s just like one of the family: 1%
(D) Viagra: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Taxed to the Max
This week, everybody who thinks the tax code would be a lot simpler if over-paid Congressmen were forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is noted anti-taxer Scofflaw Tadwell, who says, “Why should you send your hard-earned money to the government, they’ll only spend it.” Scofflaw wins a handy list of 1,001 sure-fire deductions the IRS never disputes, a box of bogus receipts for charitable contributions, and the name of a good tax attorney, in case the first and second prizes don’t work. His winning limerick is:
The Best Part About Paying Your Taxes
Is getting Big Brother off our backses.
But dumbass liberals always want to pay more
To the welfare state they so mindlessly adore.
No wonder the country is being run by quackses!
The best part about paying your taxes
Is the disappearance of paperwork stackses.
But if you think that Big Brother’s confiscation
Is going to take an overdue vacation
Then you must be smoking some serious crackses.
The best part about paying your taxes
Is getting Big Brother off our backses.
But Obama the Kenyan-born Lefty
Has an appetite insatiably hefty –
So hide your remaining cash and cover your trackses!
The best part about paying your taxes,
From what we can assume from your faxes,
Is that it would really be great,
To have one low flat rate,
With simple forms so we can all relaxes.
The best part about paying your taxes
(After they steal even your slacks) is
You can appeal what they say
But you won’t get your way
Regardless of what the facts is.
Now for some dishonorable mentions
The best part about paying your taxes
Is how creative your accountant waxes.
He’ll itemize your deductions
With such inventive reductions
That he’ll shrink your tax bill to the maxes.
The best part about paying your taxes
Is that it pays for the government’s praxis*
But you better remember
Since Obama won in November
Your money now belongs to the Barrackses!
The best part about paying your taxes,
It buys saunas and bikini waxes.
Not for you, of course;
You still work like a horse
While Barack goes to a spa and relaxes!
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still working on his taxes):
The best part of paying your taxes
They’ll be well-spent, that’s what the facts is
The President can afford a vacation
And the Cabinet will each have a libation
And Congress can buy themselves bikini waxes
The best part about paying your taxes
Is that Michelle can now pay for bikini waxes
But for God’s sake, don’t look
Your eyeballs will cook
And the world will stop spinning on its axis.
The best part about paying your taxes
It that the hold on your wallet relaxes.
The government’s all thieves
Which is just what Obama believes
And that’s just the truth about what the facts is.
Now here’s one from Robin in Ludlow where the last line doesn’t quite rhyme, but the sentiments are so endearing:
The Best Part About Paying Your Taxes
Is demonstrating just what the fact is
We work hard for our money
But that Bi-Racial Dummy
Will endlessly piss it away!
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“Do the rich really want to pay more?”
TAX TRAUMA HOT LINE
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Some non-deductible items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally non-deductible subscribers.
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