Saturday, April 7, 2012
Happy Passover, Everybody
First, as Rabbi Kosherwitz always says, let me tell you a little story. Would you like to know how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments?
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. “What’s a commandment?” they asked.
“Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”
“Well,” said God, “It’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL,” and the Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, “How much?” God said, “They’re free.” And the Jews said, “Great! We’ll take TEN!”
Now, for our “Goyim” subscribers, we have “Uncle Jake Explains the Jews.” You may never have to watch “The Ten Commandments” again.
And according to Jib Jab, the miracle of Passover was not parting the Red Sea, but getting the Jews to cross it. You could also watch their Hip Hop for Hebrews called “The Matzah Rap,” “JC and the Gang Do Passover,” “Who Let The Jews Out,” and if you’re feeling really blasphemous, you could always enjoy the trailer from “I Know What You Did Last Seder.” It’s enough to make you want to order a ham sandwich.
Bluegrass Blasphemies
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says while all the Jews in Northern Kentucky were really ready for their Passover Seders tast night, he wonders if Kenton County Attorney Scarry Garry Edmondson would be still gathering more “Jew Jokes” for his newsletter:
Q: Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.
Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?”
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: How do you know when a Jewish woman has an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
Q: Why do Jewish women always go for men who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse anything with 10% off.
Q: Why does a married Princess close her eyes whilst she’s making love?
A: Because she can’t stand to see her husband enjoying himself.
Benny was in conversation with his friend Victor. “So Victor, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special,” replied Victor, “I’m having Social Security Sex.”
“Social Security Sex?” says Benny, “What’s that?”
“You know, Benny, you get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
Rifka says to her friend Hetty, “My Moshe is useless.”
“Why do you say that,” says Hetty.
“Because the way he goes about foreplay is a total waste of time. All he manages to do is make me feel like a light switch someone’s trying to find in the dark.”
Leah has a problem with her Izzy and goes to see her therapist. “Doctor, I need your help with a serious problem. Whenever my Izzy and I are in bed together, he always lets out a loud scream when he climaxes.”
“But that’s quite common, Leah, in fact it’s completely normal. There really isn’t anything I can do.”
“But doctor, my problem is that it wakes me up.”
Sadie was participating in a family survey. The interviewer asked her, “How do you feel about condoms?”
Sadie replied, “Depends on what’s in it for me.”
One day, a chicken got to know an egg in the biblical sense. After they had finished, the chicken was reclining with a post-coital cigarette in his beak. He rolls over to the egg and says, “I guess that settles it then”
Finally, our Moishe Matzobaum says Jews listening to the President’s Passover Message discovered Obama was still tone deaf. Why can’t Obama simply can’t call a Jewish holiday a Jewish holiday. The Messiah of the world insists on co-opting our holidays for the world. Particularly offensive was comparing the Israelites’ fight for freedom with what’s going on in the Middle East these days. Once they get their own houses in order, we’ll see how they act towards Israel. But if Egypt is any indicator, Israel is in trouble
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous donation during our March fund-raising drive from the Jews who are still waiting to become assimilated in Northern Kentucky.
PASSOVER PASTIMES HOT LINE
e-mail your Jewish Jokes today.
Some unleavened items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally unleavened subscribers.
Links of the Day
The Passover Seder Symbols Song
Penis for Passover
Some Rabbis Just Can’t Tell a Joke
Happy Passover!
I Will Survive – Hilarious Pesach Cleaning Song With Lyrics
How Not To Attend a Passover Seder
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.