Friday, April 6, 2012
We’re Probably Not Going to Have a Complete Friday E-dition Today
Thursday morning everybody was getting ready to watch all those politicians marching in the Findlay Markey Opening Day Parade on TV, so Charles Foster Kane went to have his taxes done, just so he could find out how much of his hard-earned money would be confiscated by the IRS on April 17 for Obama and our Crooks in Congress to just piss away.
Unfortunately, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher hasn’t been heard from since, although somebody did say they saw him at a bribe lunch with an elected official at J. Alexander’s at The Rookwood. The Blower is still waiting on confirmation on that report, especially since everybody knows how low a profile the Voice of the Conservative Agenda usually keeps whenever he ventures out in public.
We hope when he finally returns, he’ll be calmed down enough after hearing about his taxes and that elected official’s plans for public spending so we can at least put out our regular E-dition on Saturday.
The Whistleblower Staff
Stories We’re Working On
Obama intervenes in Augusta golf non-dispute- Gingrich group files for bankruptcy
- Santorum headed for home-state embarrassment
- Jesse Jackson calls on blacks to wear hoodies to polling places
- Reds still not mathematically eliminated
- Gay T-shirt Day at local high schools
- Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters’ offers “Family Rates”
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they plan to get out of paying any federal income tax by April 18:
(A) Lie about their income: 2%
(B) Make up lots of expenses: 1%
(C) Let the tax cheats at H&R Doofus do their return: 1%
(D) File an extension: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Taxes: The Gift You Keeps on Giving
This week, everybody who thinks Congressmen would simplify the tax code if their elections were held on Tax Day, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest. The winner is noted CPA Irving Ponzi, the constipated public accountant from Florence who always gets so backed up this time of year, he has to work it out with a pencil. Irv’s entry was a little late, which was OK, since he attached an automatic extension form.
Irv wins a handy list of tax-cheating tips, a “THE+IRS Spells THEIRS” T-shirt, a stack of extension forms for clients who haven’t yet begun looking for their W-2s, and a big bottle of Jack Daniels for when he finally remembers he hasn’t done his own taxes. His winning limerick is:
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that finally, I get a say
About where all the money
that I earned for my Honey
Is going to be spent today
The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day”
If you really do want to play
You can look for nice buns
And with your refund
You will pay for a very nice lay
The Best Part About Tax Freedom Day:
It came before the year’s half-way.
But since Obama’s in hock to the Chinese
It’s our balls that will get the squeeze,
As our “full faith and credit” is in rapid decay.
Now here are some disallowed deductions:
The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that Uncle Sam releases your pay.
But don’t get too comfy with your dollars and cents
‘Cause Big Brother’s fiscal appetite is immense:
With more line items than stars in the Milky Way.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is it’s the last day that we have to pay,
For handouts and welfare,
And bridges to nowhere,
But under Clinton— it came in May.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day,
No more money this year pissed away,
Change the date for election,
April 15 is our selection,
And just maybe keep politicians at bay.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
You can now keep all of your pay!
Oh well, maybe not “all,”
The F-ing Auditor might call,
And take the rest of it away.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is you get to keep some of your pay.
But if a DemocRAT gets elected
It’ll be worse than expected
They’ll take ALL of your money away.
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still working on his taxes):
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
The Gov can’t take more money away
Or so you would hope,
But only a dope
Would believe they won’t find a way.
Every time you fill up your tank
Or earn interest on what’s in the bank
You’ll owe them more tax,
And that’s just the facts
Just send them a check that is blank.
Even Tax Freedom Day’s not the end
You’ll pay taxes every damned time you spend
But look at the bright side
We have Obama as our guide!
He’s got plenty of moolah to lend.
Oh, thank God for the change he has brough
And all the lessons he has taught
But he wouldn’t give you a dime
Or even tell you the time
And as Samuel Morse would say, “What hath Obama wrought?”
But you know, taxes are part of our life
They needn’t cause us so much strife
Just quit your job and wait
You’ll get food stamps and Section 8
I wish we’d elected Barney Fife.
But enough about Barack for now
Bless his heart, he’s trying to show us how
Sadly, though, he’s a Commie,
With a Kenyan dad and Hawaiian mommy
Folks, you better keep an eye on the Dow.
Always remember we need to pay taxes
They helped us in the 40s to beat the Axis
But back then we were at war
Today, we’re governed by a whore
And people, you better keep watchin’ your backses.
I might suggest that BO stay in hidin’
If he is hurt, we will be stuck with Biden
I think I would rather
Be a hunter-gatherer
Than have to put up with those who are guidin’
But anyway, I admit I digress
Tax Freedom Day is the topic I guess,
I should lay off Obama
And maybe pick on the Dali Lama,
After this, I gotta go to the priest and confess.
In closing just let me say,
I’m sorry I got carried away
I will try not to cry
But I think I now know why
They took my poetic license away.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The Best Part About Paying Your Taxes”
OVER-TAXED PAYERS HOT LINE
E-mail your tax cheating tips today
Some non-deductible items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally non-deductible subscribers.
Links of the Day
The Pink Panther – Pink-Come Tax
PLUS
Tax Freedom Day
TurboTax: The Rap (Extended Version)
How to File Taxes, in Two Minutes!
How Could I Live Without Filing Taxes?
$700 Billion Tax Refund
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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