Daily Archives: April 3, 2012

Special “Fair Weather Fans” E-dition

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Real E-mails from Real Subscribers

  • We used to be able to get some really important people like presidents, vice presidents, and governors to throw out the first pitch at our Opening Day games, but lately we’ve had to scrape the bottom of the barrel. We’ve gone from local losers like Mallory and Odd Todd to an over-the-hill recording artist like Nick Lachey, and this year it was just Hamilton County’s Senile Sheriff Simon Leis. —Señor Bob Castellini
  • Next week, I hope to be throwing out my first RINO Party Chairman. — Ohio Republican Governor John Kasich
  • Wouldn’t it be funny if politicians were not permitted to have entries in our Opening Day Parade and some of them walked anyway without being registered or paying the fees? —Findlay Market Parade Committee  
  • Remember when Opening Day in Cincinnati used to be really unique and at least somewhat important and worth noting, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season? —Abner Doubleday
  • On this date in 1882 Jesse James was shot in the back by Bob Ford, a member of his gang who hoped to collect the bounty on Jesse’s head. That’s one funeral That Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt missed, since she was only a state-rep-tile back then.  —Hurley the Historian
  • Would this be a good time to announce my new “Sports Crap” show on CFK-TV? —Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall
  • Two years ago this weekend the Washington Post spent all that money to send Krissah Thompson to cover that Protest in a Tea Cup in front of my house at 1018 Benz Avenue in Price Hill, just so they could use the word “vitriol” in their headline. —Steve in Swaziland , wherever in hell that is.
  • We didn’t ask “Mean Jean” Schmidt to be the featured speaker at our Lincoln Day Dinner on Saturday, and the guy who beat her couldn’t find his way out here with a AAA Trip-tik, so we asked Revered Former Congressman Bob McEwen to say a few well chosen words. —Pike County Republicans
  • Although our big Tax Day Rally is on April 15, you don’t have to send in your extension until April 17. —Anderson Tea Party Patriots
  • But Thursday (April 12) is Tax Freedom Day. Do you think our Tea Partiers will remember that? —Ohio Over-taxed Payers
  • The Official Whistleblower Bluegrass Primary Election Countdown Calendar says Primary Elections in the Bluegrass are scheduled for May 22. —The League of Women Vipers
  • That means there are only 49 mudslinging days until our May 22 primaries in Kentucky. — Thomas Massie, Judge Once Moore, Brian D. Oerther, Alecia Webb-Edgington, Tom Wurtz, Marcus Carey, and Walter C. Schumm
  • Remember in 1980 when Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench?” —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
  • Reds Opening Day is always a big day for us, because there’s no place else near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the snack bar at The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center, since Liz Roger’s Over-Taxed Payer Subsidized Million Dollar Soul Food Bistro isn’t open yet.—Northern Kentucky Restaurants and Bars
  • Remember when baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money? —Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception
  • Isn’t anybody tired of watching Señor Bob pay millions for mediocrity and hope his players over-achieve? —Real Reds Fans
  • That’s why we chose Bob Lemon’s “Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.”  —Your Quote for Today Committee
  • Baseball has been berry, berry good to me. — Chico Escuela
  • Skaggie Maggie forgot to put a picture of my wild pitch on the front page yesterday. —Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory
  • A guy called in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The guy says, “I’m home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?” —Bobby Leach
  • We certainly hope The Fishwrap provides this much coverage for our home opener at Erpenbeck Stadium on May 17. —Florence Freedom Fans
  • This year once again, I made sure Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was NOT asked to throw out the first pitch. —Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen
  • I thought Blondie was going to ask me to throw out the first pitch, but maybe their insurance wouldn’t cover it if I plunked just one more batter. —“BeanBall Jim” Bunning
  • I’m already scheduled for the Midget Tossing Night. —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele
  • “Sticky Fingers” wants to know if they’re having an “Embezzlers Night.” —Vanilla Hills Civic Club
  • How much is the beer at Erpenbeck Stadium? —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer
  • How much is a side of beef? —Clueless Marc Wilson
  • I have a cheerleader client who could help them get a lot of publicity. — Eric “Call Me Crazy,” Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters
  • Did you know that baseball is Biblical? Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and God threw them both out. —Bible Thumpers Museum
  • In my new “tell all” book, you’ll read about all those guys who couldn’t get to first base. —Miss Vicki
  • In Fort Mitchell, our husbands don’t really know if they even got on base. —Uptight Bitches who fake their orgasms
  • April Fool’s Day comes once a year, but who’s the biggest fool of all? —Goof Doofus
  • What do you mean last Saturday’s e-dition of The Whistleblower wasn’t a real apology? —Disgraced Anderson Township Trustee Kevin P. O’Brien’s Enablers at the Forest Hills Urinal
  • Could you tell us where to apply for the Whistleblower’s Summer Internship Program? —Huggable Howard Wilkinson and Mean Jean Schmidt’s News Flack Barrett Brunsman
  • Could you tell us which one of our local TV anchorbabes got a boob reduction? —Horny in Hebron
  • Trish the Dish wants to know if the Reds are mathematically eliminated yet. —TV 19 News 
  • Sheree Paolello wants to thank The Blower for her new “I Love Morehead” T-Shirt. —Jack Atherton

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         Sometimes The Blower ridicules Sports Talk Show Hosts to show that obsession with sports when there are so many other important problems in the world is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t begging us to give him a weekly sports column in The Blower.

          This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Andy FurBall. 

 SPOILED SPORTS HOT LINE

E-mail your Opening Day Observations today

Some unsportsmanlike items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally unsportsmanlike subscribers.

Link of the Day

President Bush’s Opening Pitch at Yankee Stadium After 9-11 [High Quality]

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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