Daily Archives: March 31, 2012

Whistleblower’s Annual Apology Issue

We’re Really Sorry

            Our attorneys and legal defense fund administrators told us we may have written some things lately which might have offended some people. In certain cases, they say, it was by a careless word or phrase. In other cases, our remarks could be construed as either knowingly false, libelous, or with malicious intent. Although there is no prevailing legal authority, the Whistleblower Legal Dream Team still advises that should we now recant, fully and completely, damages in any legal actions against us might be at least somewhat mitigated.  

So Here It Is— Our Formal Apology

  • WE REALLY MEAN IT! We’re really humble. No lie. We apologize profusely. No kidding. We really went too far. This is sincere. No fooling around now. When we’re wrong, we’re wrong. We’re not joking. There’s no punishment in Hell cruel and unusual enough for what we’ve done.
  • WE MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS. We owe everyone we’ve ever criticized an apology.

There was no excuse for sponsoring a personal-and-vitriolic Super PAC campaign against That Lame-Duck Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Bought-and-paid-For Tax-and-Spend Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt just because her legal bills were being paid by Turkish terrorists. We were so vitriolic, everybody on the Whistleblower Staff should be forced to join Vitriolics Anonymous.

Exposing “Mean Jean’s” News Flack Barrett Brunsman for trying to intimidate Rory Ryan, Publisher & Owner of the Highland County Press and Ohio Second District Republican Congressional Candidate Fred Kundrata for getting into the race to attack “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s war hero opponent “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup were bad enough, but being willing to publish unfounded rumors from Dirt Digging DemocRATS looking to make mischief for GOP candidates during the 2012 Elections has already caused us to betray our Republican roots, and we only hope we can atone for that before the November Elections.

Other recent regrettable reports include how Ohio RINO Party Boss Kevin DeWhine got caught squandering Republican Party resources to defeat fellow Republicans in the March 6 primaries; ridiculing Resigned-in-Disgrace Former Clermont County Commissioner Archie Wilson, just because he traded drugs for sex with a hooker who called herself “Amanda Lay” at a sleazy motel in Northern Kentucky, was unfair to all those sleazy hotels in Ohio; aiding and abetting WLW Radio Trash Talker Darryl Parks attempts to tell the truth about the Forrest Gump Schools’ humongous tax hike so township property owners of $200,000 houses can now pay $2,000-a-year to support the greedy teachers and administrators; asking if the Ohio Republican House Caucus spend more than $250,000 to smear opponents of lackeys like $tate Rep-tile for $ale Peter $tautberg; and Whacky Jackie’s Illegitimate Son Kevin P. O’Brien’s failure to pay his property taxes on that house at 7964 Hopper Road (in foreclosure for a mere $373,137.80) in “the third most affluent neighborhood in America.”

  • OURS IS TRULY A SCURRILOUS PUBLICATION. It’s not enough for us to say “mistakes were made.” Often we were cowardly. Every issue may even have been libelous. (But never poorly written.)
  • SOMETIMES WE’VE BEEN REALLY TASTELESS, like the picture of our Disingenuous DemocRAT Hamilton County Auditor with egg on his face, or that vile-and-disgusting nude porn shot of that former Ben-Gal we’ve been “sexting” while driving to all our BFFs on their cell phones. We hope we can make you believe us.
  • OUR PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE. We’re filled with such utter remorse that words will never convey the depths of our anguish.

Kneepad Liberals in the Press like the idiotorial board at the Feckless Fishwrap, as well as all those left-wing bloggers whacking off in their moms’ basements, were right.

Ours is truly a “venomous rag!” We never should’ve called TV9’s Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin a news trollop, or else she might still be working there today.

Others we’ve helped send to the unemployment lines during the our decades of destruction include WLW Hate Radio Roustabout Gary Burbank and Convicted Groundhog Murderer John Phillips, along with half the Fishwrappers (including Huggable Howard Wilkinson) and the entire staff and management of The ComPost. Oh, the humanity! No wonder we have trouble sleeping at night.

  • WE’VE BEEN SO INSENSITIVE. Every homosexual must really hate us. Even our Alternative Life-Style Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis, too!

Publishing that illustration of Disgraced Former Conservative Chris Finney in bed with local NAALCP President SMLP Smithermouth was homophobic, at the very least, because over the years, more than a few people say even some of Artis Conception’s award-winning illustrations have been callous cartoonery.

Calling attention to Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory and the Mayor’s big, beefy Black bodyguard (and Cincinnati Police Officer) Scotty Johnson was not politically correct. Helping Dainty become the laughingstock of the entire nation was just piling on when he threw out the First Pitch at the Reds’ Opening Day a couple of years ago year. We should’ve been dragged kicking and screaming to sensitivity training along with the Ghost of Large Marge and WLW Hate Radio trash talker Bill “The Draft Dodger” Cunningham.

  • WE’VE BEEN RACIST. We should never have made all those “two free slurs” jokes. How niggardly of us. When “JayWalking Joe” Deters told us all those Obama jokes during our many lunches, we should’ve gotten up and left the table and not accepted his hospitality, but the hot-and-sour soup was too good to pass up.

Continuing to expose Cincinnati’s useless police chief James Craig and asking when Mayor Mallory and his Kentucky butt boy Dough Boy Honey would start over-paying inept white people to waste the over-taxed payers’ resources was only Affirmative Action in Reverse. 

And criticizing Cincinnati Girly Mayor Mark Mallory’s Deadbeat Cousin Liz Rogers’ for not paying her debts while glomming on to a million dollar grant from the over-taxed payers to open at sure-to-fail Soul Food Bistro at the Banks may have even caused some people to doubt the competence and intentions of our Nine Fine Clowns on the our new extreme Liberal City Clown-cil.

But why would you expect our Kneepad Liberals in the Press to report any of this? These days our Feckless Fishwrappers are too busy these days trying to assist civil rights activists create maximum outrage in urban communities to ensure more angry black people show up on Election Day to vote for Obama and the DemocRATS.

  • WE’VE BEEN MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS: Reminding our readers about that time in 1996 when Whistleblower Gossip Columnist Linda Libel reported that one of our local TV videographers was embedded in one of our local newsbimbos during a romantic overseas getaway, was un-chivalrous indeed. It was almost as bad as calling Maggie Skaggie, Lizzy Ghizzy, or Vicky Icky.
  • WE’VE BEEN UNSPORTSMANLIKE: Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says with only a few days until Opening Day, we’re still not over last year when we accused Señor Bob Castellini of gouging each member of the Reds’ underpaid cleaning crew a $6 mandatory transportation fee to get to work. 

Including Poor Little Mikey Brown, a portly pantload from Indian Hill, as one of our Seediest Kids of All was only adding insult to injury.

Hurley the Historian says we won’t have to apologize if we remember that on this day in 1992, “JayWalking Joe” Deters was first appointed prosecutor, and we’re still waiting for him to call one of those murdering bastard rapists he prosecutes “scum.”

  • WE MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS. We owe everyone we’ve ever criticized an apology. Repeatedly reminding Real Republicans how RINOs didn’t learn their lessons after the resounding rejection they received from the voters in November 2006, accurately pointing out that not a single GOP candidate or so-called Conservative and anti-taxer organization has yet to do anything to correct its past mistakes, and predicting that Hamilton County, as well as the Buckeye State and the entire nation would be turning “Blue” in 2008, was indeed repetitious and excessive. It will always be one of our most painful prophecies.

Implying that a so-called anti-tax organization was suing the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools just to make money for its avaricious attorneys was only true. 

  • THIS IS THE HARDEST E-DITION WE’VE EVER HAD TO WRITE. You’d better believe it. When will we ever learn? All our jokes about making BB&BJ Day a National Holiday were just wishful thinking, especially every time former Pants-dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton came to town for a sleazy fund-raiser for Hillary at Not-Yet-Indicted (But Getting Closer All The Time) Disgraceful DemocRAT, Hearse-chasing Attorney $tan Che$ley’s mansion in Indian Hill. Reminding people how Judge Mr$. $tan Che$ley continues to break the law every time she takes her mangy mutts to the Federal courthouse so they can crap all over the floor while she’s making all her biased Liberal rulings was only another harmful result of our obsession to point out all things obvious.

Also, pointing out how the Bluegrass Bar Association recommended $tan be permanently disbarred in Kentucky and forced to return $7.6 million of the $20 million he took in fees was just piling on.

And gloating every time one of our predictions came true was sophomoric, and as the Official Voice of the Conservative Agenda, our subscribers should’ve been able to expect a great deal more from us.

  • ALSO IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo has a lot to apologize for, too. Making fun of the homeless has never been politically correct. Telling Miss Vicki she should write a “tell-all” book was just stirring up scandal. Revealing the fact that uptight bitches in Fort Thomas were faking their orgasms was disillusioning to their horny humping hubbies.

Calling attention to Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen’s roots was ungentlemanly. Implying “BeanBall Jim” Bunning had grown feeble in his old age was really insensitive to elderly Americans. Mocking the titanic tragedy of Jeff Ruby’s Waterfront Restaurant was heartless. And that Obesity Boy poster of Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich was just one more “fat joke.”

Comparing convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff to clueless Marc Wilson came about as close to libel as we’ve ever come. We sure hope Jack doesn’t carry a grudge. We never should have called Vanilla Hills Mayor Mike Martin a “miscreant” because he’s just too friggin’ stupid to know what it means. Reminding Rednecks that the words to “My Old Kentucky Home” actually contain a reference to “gay darkies” was pure, unadulterated hate speech. And constantly promoting Charles Foster Kane’s part in that award-winning Flashlight Theater Music Video was beyond shameless. Almost as shameless as CFK-TV on Anderson Community Television, where besides developing cable access programming people might actually want to watch, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher will no doubt include himself in that list of Fifty Most Fascinating Residents of Anderson Township the Whistleblower-Newswire has been compiling.  

Not agreeing with Cincinnati Ragazine that Eric ‘Call Me Crazy,’ Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters was the greatest lawyer in tri-state history even after virginal Ben-Gal Sarah Jones and her mother were indicted during “Crazy Eric’s” 61-day suspension by the Bluegrass Bar Association was reason enough to bring charges of journalistic misconduct against us before the Society for Un-Professional Journalists, which was correct not to consider The Blower for its upcoming “Best Defense of the First Amendment Award” in this year’s writing contests. At least we didn’t ask if Crazy Eric had given Miss Jones a promise ring.

At the same time, continuing to remind people about Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders’ humiliating defeat when Linda Smith (the lady lawyer, not the Boondoggle County Commonwealth Attorney) used the classic “Tripping Muff Diver Defense” in his first big case as an assistant prosecutor, was a smear against muff divers everywhere. Ken CamBoo now admits that wondering aloud how much KY jelly Bill Erpenbeck was using in prison made us a real pain in the ass. We now feel our own pain.

  • We hope our readers will somehow forgive us for so often saying during the past 22 years. “How else could you explain why voters, 95% of whom learned all they knew by watching lying illegal ads and daily distortions on TV newscasts, twice chose to send to the White House, a draft-dodging, dope-smoking, wife-cheating, race-baiting, peace protesting perjurer who’d surely drag the nation down to the moral equivalent of Arkansas or the Jerry Springer Show? Maybe that’s why all you draft-dodgers, dope-smokers, wife-cheaters, race-baiters, and peace protesting perjurers now have a culture you truly deserve.”
  • Constantly counting down the days until the next elections (2012 is only “219” and primaries in Kentucky are only “51”) is just like Chinese water torture.
  • Reminding Persons of Consequence on our exclusive e-mail list that our Feckless Fishwrappers are too lazy, too stupid, or too dishonest ever to report the truth was just nasty name-calling at best.
  • Allowing all those people to become “Friends” on The Whistleblower’s Faux Facebook Page was not friendly.
  • Our Beloved Whistleblower Motto is just plain wrong, because holding the little guy down is bullying at its worst.
  • Excess in the pursuit of commentary is no virtue. It’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We swear it on a stack of Bibles. Right before your very eyes.
  • In spite of all the evidence, how could we have ever not accepted Obama as our Savior and Messiah?
  • We’re so ashamed.
  • No wonder The Blower has been banned at so many places.
  • Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose “An apology is a good way to have the last word.”
  • Therefore, since tomorrow is the First Day of April 2012, we promise we’ll never, ever do it again.

 Signed,
Charles Foster  Kane,
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher

Now for everyone else we’ve offended, please fill out your copy of our Whistleblower Commemorative Formal Apology in case you run out of toilet paper.