Friday, March 30, 2012
Top Ten List
Today it’s the Top Ten Excuses “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s high-level campaign staffer gave when he was pulled over by the Newtown Police Department on Election Night:
10. I forgot
9. The dog ate it
8. She told me she loved me
7. I did it to help the homeless
6. The Devil made me do it
5. I just wanted to be loved–is there anything wrong with that?
4. I’m a campaign worker on Election Night
3. I was framed
2. This whole thing is just one big terrible mistake
…and the Number One Excuse “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s high-level campaign staffer gave when he was pulled over by the Newtown Police Department on Election Night is… “My boss said nobody would ever find out.”
Still Wandering in the Wilderness
The program at Wednesday night’s big Hamilton County RINO Party “Lincoln and Reagan Are Turning Over in Their Graves Because of What We’ve Done to Their Party” Dinner was supposed to start at 6:30, but didn’t get going until 7:15. After Ghizzy Lizzy threw a hissy fit about who got to introduce the local officials in 2010, Alex T. Mall Cop GOP once again kept the job for himself, and did a bang-up job.
Twice, he skillfully managed to introduce a former elected official who let himself be succeeded by a DemocRAT, former Colerain Township Dis-Trust-EE Keith “I am the Greatest Republican Who Ever Lived” Corman. Since the self-appointed Greatest Republican Ever spends most of his days trashing other Republicans to other Republicans, perhaps Alex was correct in introducing the man twice, once for each side of his mouth.
Alex T. also did his usual job of playing favorites with the introductions. Tracy Winkler and his other Green Township cronies were practically canonized.
After 15 minutes worth of intros and awards, it was announced “dinner will be served” at 7:30. But dinner service begun after 8 o’clock. The program ran two hours behind while the union goons who work at the Hyatt sloughed off to Piatt Park and got some Occupy Protestors to impersonate a wait staff. Apparently, they truly believe that “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” because that’s how the chicken slivers full of pink slime and a ground chuck “medallion” (a fancy term for “burger without the bun”) were served.
The event also featured That Tea Party Messiah Who May One Day Be Crowned State Rep-Tile introducing the warm-up speaker, Auditor of State Dave Yost, who then introduced another statewide oaf, that ACORN-loving DeWhiner Groupie Jon Husted, and at 9 PM, Husted finally got around to introducing Karl Rove, who calls himself ‘the greatest political mind of his generation and probably of any generation…’ ”
Alex T.’s Political Director, Former DemocRAT operative Ashwin Corrattiyil (pronounced Ashwin), really outdid himself in his latest bid to sabotage the GOP. Lincoln and Reagan have been spinning in their graves ever since Alex T. and other Hamilton County Republicans sold their souls to $tan Che$ley at that brunch for “Mean Jean” Schmidt in 2008, but last night, Emily Post was also spinning just as much over the horrendous lack of etiquette.
The food wasn’t worth $75, the beers weren’t worth $9, either, and Huggable Howard Wilkinson’s online coverage of this event in Thursday’s Fishwrap shows why he should have retired long ago.
Because when Karl Rove told Huggable that Obama the “most vulnerable” DemocRAT president since Carter, Huggable might have asked the greatest political mind in history how many other DemocRAT presidents there’ve been since 1980. The Blower can only remember Bill Clinton.
Bluegrass Ball-Walkers
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says yesterday at the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why he’s always complaining about media hype, since political propaganda has been his special province for a very long time. Thirty-two years ago, Kane blew the whistle on then GOP Hamilton County Commissioner Norman Murdock for illegally campaigning from the Hamilton County Courthouse. But even before that, Kane was publicizing and promoting some pretty worthwhile causes.
Hurley the Historian said, “Take that time in 1980 when Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench.”
Here’s our 32-year-old news advisory for that day: Mild-mannered P&G advertising salesman Keen Babbage has become an overnight celebrity on his 430-mile trek from St. Luis to Cincinnati to promote the March of Dimes Superwalk in April 27. Yesterday, Babbage averaged better than four miles per hour for the 47 miles between Libroy and Mr. Vernon, Illinois.
Clear skies and 55-degree weather greeted him as he traveled the flat Illinois farmland. All along the route, cars stopped for autographs, pictures, newspaper interviews, and to offer contributions for the March of Dimes. They all wanted to see the baseball Babbage was carrying to Riverfront Stadium so Jason Edwards, the five-year-old March of Dimes Poster Child could throw out the first ball to the 1980 season to Cincinnati Reds catcher Johnny Bench.
In Nashville, Illinois, employees at the IGA store invited Babbage in for lunch. All he could eat.
This morning, Babbage got the key to the city from the mayor of Mt. Vernon, Illinois, as the town council, local athletes, and reporters accompanied him for the first mile out of town. Tonight, Keen expects to arrive at Fairfield, Illinois—and easy trip. It’s only 32 miles.
- Kane said what started as a publicity stunt to promote the March of Dimes had become an inspiration to him and Babbage, because they were constantly reminded of how the Cincinnati poster child finally walked the year before after 14 operations, taking his first steps on Christmas Day that year.
The Associated Press quote Babbage: “I remember my fourth day out, when I had walked 47 grueling miles. I was beat with another long day facing me the next day. I didn’t know how I could make it. Then the people in Princeton, Indiana introduced me to their poster child. He had to practice all day just to be able to say my name. I was ashamed for being tired. The kid had done all the work. Compared to him, my 47 miles were nothing that day. Since then, I haven’t been tired.”
No wonder our Quote for Today Committee asked to borrow Keen’s quote.
Stories We’re Working On
Supremes poised to strike down Obamacare- House kills Obama budget 414-0
- Tea Party favorite Rubio endorses Romney
- Pravda endorses Obama
- First lady hits Vegas with her daughters
- No Hoodies at Reds games
- Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters’ client and her mother are both indicted
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said we should expect to see at Mediocre American Ball Park this year:
(A) Good hitting beats good pitching and vice versa: 2%
(B) More hype than you can imagine: 1%
(C) Really scruffy people dressed in crappy red clothes: 1%
(D) Outrageous food prices: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
No Fool Like an Old Fool
This week, everybody who can’t wait until Sunday to start playing April Fool’s Day jokes, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Harley Hoodwinker, who likes to watch people’s faces whenever he says, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times…” Harley wins a copy of the “1,001 Best April Fool’s Day Pranks of 2013” so he can plan ahead for next year, a lifetime pass on the new Cincinnati Trolley, and Reds and Bungals playoff tickets. His winning limerick is:
There once was an Old April Fool
Who fancied his franchise quite cool.
He refused to trade old Number Nine,
Insisting everything would be fine,
Since all this Fool’s deals are Old School.
There once was an Old April Fool,
Who at one time had been very cool,
Now all of his friends,
Sends him lots of Depends,
And Kleenex to catch to catch all his drool.
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s counting the days until his poetic license is restored):
There once was an old April fool
Who thought that he was really cool
He wore bell bottomed jeans
Like he was still in his teens
And watched TV reruns of the Cool Ghoul.
There once was an old April fool
Who challenged a guy to a duel
But he made a bad deal
The guy was a Navy SEAL
Now in Hades he is under Osama’s rule.
(And this one from 3/27 of 2011!)
There once was an old April fool
Dumb as an ox, stubborn as a mule
He voted with libs
Fell for the DumbocRAT fibs
And left us with Obama to rule.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The Best Part About Tax Freedom Day”
APRIL FOOLS HOTLINE
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were sent in by our equally April Fooling subscribers.
Link of the Day
Obama April Fools
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