THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 07, 2019
Trump’s 748th Day In Office
The Whistleblower’s 61st Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (Not Associated With The Failed United Way) Is Now Underway.
We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.
Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.
The Tom Brinkman Story
TODAY’S SEEDIEST KID OF ALL is Young Tom Brinkman, who learned to hate taxes at an early age. He had to do without cable-TV because his dad was afraid if he couldn’t pay his property taxes on time, the Brinkman name would appear in the newspaper and the entire family would be too ashamed to show their faces in public, so Young Tom had to stay home and cry a lot.
So the Seediest Kids of All gave Young Tom’s family a bogus vendor’s license, so they could avoid paying sales taxes, and prepared phony non-profit organization papers so the family business could avoid paying income taxes. Tax scofflaw Roger Ach even invited Young Tom to his Christmas party so he could meet other people who didn’t like paying their taxes, and we gave Young Tom a big stack of tax forms so he could vent his anger by chopping them up with an ax.
The Brinkman family still hates taxes, but maybe when he grows up, Young Tom could run for political office—nothing too important, perhaps something like a State Representative. That’s if, he can ever figure out how to run a winning campaign. May he could get “In Russ We Trust” Jackson to show him how it’s done. He could even call himself “Taxkiller Tom” and actually do something about cutting taxes, unless he was endorsed by the tax-and-spend Hamilton County GOP. Those lousy RINO bastards are worse than liberal DemocRATS, because they only pretend to be in favor of smaller government.
The entire Brinkman family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your liberal guilt throughout the year which makes it all possible.