TUESDAY, JANUARY 07, 2020
BEST FAKE NEWS IMPEACHMENT EVER
Trump’s 1,082nd Day In Office
Especially If You Get Presents Every Day, Too!
Guests began to arrive early for this evening’s celebrity celebration for Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s “insignificant” birthday that was supposed to be a surprise. Do you think “Mean Jean” Schmidt was planning to jump out of the cake like she did last year?
Miss Vicki sent Kane an e-card.
Our Revered Former Congressman Bob McEwen used the “Happy Birthday” ap to send “Happy Birthday” Greetings on his iPhone.
Google Home actually sang “Happy Birthday,” but our Virtual Redhead Vivacious Vicky was among a big bunch of people who forgot to send to Happy Birthday greetings on Kane’s Facebook Page.
Good Grief! It’s hard to imagine how many people would ignore The Blower’s standard “No More Social Networking On The Job” warning at the bottom of our web page by wasting their employers’ time during working hours sending birthday greetings to a fictitious Facebook character.
On the other hand, Mrs. Kane even invited her wonderful husband to lunch because some new Chinese Restaurant in Anderson had a birthday special with a $10-off Birthday Coupon. Kane’s missus must’ve had a cancellation. And those birthday text messages from Hillary (saying it’s never too late to become a member of Team Hillary) and Beechmont Toyota (offering a discount oil change) were really special. Kane’s former assistant “Cratchit” sent gold, frankincense, and myrrh. How Biblical was that? But the bad news is: it’s been eleven years since our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher has been a “sexagenarian.” We suppose that now makes him an “over-sexed-agenearian.”
The Blower remembers when Maurice Chevalier said, “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”
And ever since that Attack on Free Speech in France, where Radical Islamic Terrorists targeted a specific type of speech that is known as “sarcasm,” Homeland Security decided to protect institutional Sarcastic Free Speech here in United States by putting an illegal alien rent-a-cop outside the undisclosed location of Kane’s Celebrity Celebration today. Meanwhile, our “Liberals Tell the Stupidest Lies” Award Committee reports every Obama Supporter in the Liberal Propaganda Media can’t stop spewing the “Fake News” Narrative that Border Walls Are Immoral.
It used to be, the only place you could see members of the media called “lying bastards” was in The Blower. Now all of those surrogates, spokesmen, and suck-ups on the Trump’s Train blast those Lying Leftist bastards every chance they get, while the Trumpster slams stupid people on Twitter at every opportunity.
This Birthday, Kane is having a lot of fun watching President Donald Trump toying with all those Trump Haters in the Liberal Propaganda Media, already condemning his next Prime Time Address from the Oval Office to blame Congressional D-RATS for Iran’s lame-ass missile attack that didn’t kill anybody in Iraq tonight followed by Thursday night’s scheduled blockbuster Keep America Great Rally in Toledo.
If only somebody could arrange a Mass Shooting Event by an Illegal Immigrant getting gunned down by Border Patrol Agents trying to sneak across. That would really liven things up.
Kane remembers how the Incredibly Shrinking Fishwrap celebrated Kane’s Birthday Bash five years ago. What could be better than a picture of John Boehner trying to stick his tongue in Nancy Pelosi’s ear? Which was better than the year before,when we couldn’t even see it on the internet because of that “temporary service interruption in our area” Time Warner apologized for each of the 87 times we called, especially when we told them we couldn’t even get to our home page on the internet, because it was Time Warner’s Roadrunner.com. Oh, the Irony!
Hurley the historian says on January 7, 1999, Kane got a really great birthday present with the opening of the impeachment trial began in the Senate for Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton, who’d been formally charged with lying under oath and obstructing justice.
Finally, 29 years ago, The Whistleblower had already begun its tradition of counting down the days until the next election, like when we reported that Ken Blackwell’s ‘92 campaign against Charlie Luken had already begun. Other items in Edition #32 published on January 8, 1991 included At the Dirty Movies with Weikel and Leis, and Jim Cissell’s Top Ten Reasons former Cincinnati City Residents gave for leaving the city.
Expect More Of The Same For The Next 300 Days Until Trump’s Re-election in 2020