“Opening Day Jitters” By James Jay Schifrin


image013“Hello, Cincinnati Reds? This is Commissioner Swindle in Patronage County. Are you still looking for a famous person to throw out the first ball on Opening Day?”

“Who’d you have in mind, Commissioner?”

“We’re all sorry to hear the president isn’t coming. Maybe the Vice President will be busy too. Shouldn’t you get someone else, just in case?”

“John Boehner already told us he’s next in line of succession, Commissioner.”

“How about somebody a little closer to home?”

“We’ve checked everyone on the White House List of stand-ins. All the important people are busy working that day.”

“What a coincidence. I don’t have any county business scheduled. I’d love to. Thanks for asking.”

“Sorry, Commissioner. You throw too many curve balls.”

“Well then, let me catch it. I’m really an important person. Check the White House list again.”

“We already did, Commissioner. They said not to ask you.”

“After all I’ve done in Patronage County?”

“Sorry, Commissioner they’re afraid you’re going to drop the ball again.”

image033This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on April 8, 1981, and has been updated with current references to fit the situation today.