Daily Archives: October 4, 2017

Special “Political Punch Lines” E-dition


Last Night’s Left-Wing Hate Speech From Our Late-Night Trump-Bashers

Today President Trump flew to Puerto Rico. He was like, “These conditions are horrible! How can anyone live like this?” Then an aide said, “Sir, this is LaGuardia. We’re just refueling.”

Today Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow, to survey the damage done by the president.

But Trump had a nice visit to Puerto Rico. He said it gave all the First Responders a chance to meet with the Last Responder. Trump told Puerto Rico that the recovery effort really threw his budget “out of whack.” Puerto Rico said, “Well next time there’s a hurricane, we’ll just push the island out of the way, so it won’t get in the way of your budget.”

President Trump was in Puerto Rico today to survey the hurricane damage. Trump looked around then told the locals, “If I were you, I’d go stay at your second homes.”

President Trump finally traveled to Puerto Rico today amid criticism of his response to Hurricane Maria — 95 percent of the island is still without power. So to make sure the people of Puerto Rico don’t miss out on his crazy tweets, Donald Trump went there to deliver them in person.

He was there to help. But as soon as Trump heard people speaking Spanish, he threatened to deport them all to Mexico.

But, he was finally there. He was ready to help. Of course, he was on his best behavior. I’m kidding! He complained about how much money it was costing.

There was this weird moment in a church where much needed supplies were unloaded. Donald Trump took out some paper towels and started to softly lob them into the crowd like he was shooting hoops. Now, I don’t want to say he’s out of touch, but when Trump picked up the paper towels, he was like, “This is fun! What are these things? What? Towels made of paper? Crazy!”

Officials have discovered yet another personal email account that Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been using for official White House business, bringing the total to three. They have three accounts. How much emailing are these two doing that you need three accounts? Pottery Barn doesn’t send these many emails. They keep finding more accounts. This is either a massive breach of protocol or Jared Kushner is like the rest of us and can’t remember passwords.

President Trump is headed to Las Vegas tomorrow. If it goes anything like his trip to Puerto Rico, I’m sure it will be great. Trump has said some not-so-nice things about Puerto Rico over the past week including a tweet that the Puerto Ricans “want everything to be done for them” — says the guy who has never carried a piece of luggage in his entire life.

At a news conference this morning, he regaled those who don’t have power yet with hilarity like this: “Mick Mulvaney is here, and he is in charge of a thing called budget. Now, I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you’ve thrown our budget a little out of whack. We spent a lot of money on Puerto Rico and that’s fine.” Oh, yeah. Next time you allow a storm to ravage your island, please think about, we’re not made out of money; think about the cost. He really puts the a** in compassion, doesn’t he?

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are having a bad week. They sent hundreds of official White House emails from now a third private account. We found out about the first two last week. Most of the emails are reported to have come from Ivanka’s assistant, Bridges Lamar, who is NOT a semifinalist on “Project Runway.” She is actually her assistant.

At least six of Trump’s closest advisers have been revealed to have used private email addresses to discuss White House business. It’s crazy, considering Ivanka’s father based almost his whole campaign on Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server. It was like they missed all that. Jared Kushner’s defense is that he only used the email when people initiated contact with him. That’s like getting caught with a hooker and saying, “SHE came on to ME!”    

President Trump visited Puerto Rico today, and boy was he surprised when he asked to speak to their president. “What? You have a Donald Trump, too? I want to meet him.”

Politico has published a new profile on Robert Mueller and the ongoing Russia investigation, with one reporter saying that asking Mueller for inside information would “be like asking him to watch a porn movie with you.” “I’ll watch a porn movie with you!” said Ted Cruz.

According to reports, officials have begun reviewing emails associated with a third and previously unreported email account on Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump’s private domain. And this can’t be good: The email is ThisOnesforCollusion (at) javanka.biz.

Today, 13 days after Hurricane Maria, yet another disaster struck Puerto Rico: Donald Trump visited the island.

Trump addressed the devastation that this hurricane caused to him: “I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you’ve thrown our budget a little out of whack.” What!? The budget is out of whack? That’s like a fireman rescuing you from a burning building and saying, “You do understand what our water bill’s gonna be now, right? Do you have any idea how many sexy calendars we’re going to have to sell just to pay for this?”

Trump even took time to meet with victims of the hurricane. Although, he could use some help with the small talk: [clip of Trump] “We’re going to help you out. Have a good time.” Have a good time. You’re at a disaster site, not working the floor at your casino! “You havin’ fun here? Listen, I’m gonna comp you a half a gallon of drinking water. Enjoy your hurricane. Don’t forget to tip your FEMA worker.”

(So Why Didn’t Any Of Our So-Called Funny Men Ever Make Jokes About Any Of These Items?)