Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Happy Springtime, Everybody!
This week, after Punxsutawney Phil totally blew his 2015 Early Spring Forecast everybody had been counting on, The Blower wonders if the Dissociated Press will once again be reporting (like they did in 2013) that authorities in still-frigid Ohio had issued an “indictment” of the furry rodent, who predicted an early spring when he didn’t see his shadow after emerging from his western Pennsylvania lair on February 2.
“Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early,” Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, wrote in an official-looking indictment. Gmoser wrote that Punxsutawney Phil was charged with misrepresentation of spring, which constituted a felony “against the peace and dignity of the state of Ohio.”
Bill Deeley, president of the Punxsutawney club that organizes Groundhog Day, said Phil had a lawyer and would fight any extradition attempt by Ohio authorities. The penalty Phil faces? Gmoser sayd — tongue firmly in cheek — was death. Punxsutawney Phil does not have a listed phone number.
SPRING BREAKING NEWS: Whistleblower Florida Bureau Chief Rank Feikel remembers last year when he heard Thom Brenneman during the Reds’ pummeling on TV from sunny Goodyear, Arizona say the top beach in Florida was once again the Siesta Key Public Beach, near Sarasota, but geezers in Speedos looking for Major Yabbos, still say South Beach in Miami used to be a haven for topless European swim suit models. It was awesome, but has fallen off as the drunk college crowd found it.
Rank says Cincinnatians can go up to Clearwater and get their Skyline Chili fix at the Skyline on Route 19. It was just next door to the now closed “Cincy Favorites Market” where you used to be able to buy all the Montgomery Inn ribs, LaRosa’s, Queen City Sauage, Gleiers, Graters, Grippo’s, Hussman, Worthmore etc. your little heart desired.
CRUZ ANNOUNCEMENT: Texas TEA Party Patriot Ted Cruz became the first Republican to begin undoing the damage Obama has brought on America by officially announcing his 2016 campaign for president in only 594 more days. “It’s a time for truth, a time to rise to the challenge just like Americans have always done,” Cruz said in the video featuring pastoral landscapes and young students reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. “It’s going to take a new generation of courageous conservatives to help make America great again.” That’s the Reaganesque message The Blower’s been looking for. [WATCH IT HERE]
And why did so many Liberty University students show up Monday morning for Cruz’s big announcement at Liberty University in Virginia? Maybe they thought Revered Former Ohio Congressman Bob McEwen was making his annual October Election Convocation Speech a little early this year.
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says only 27% of Likely U.S. Voters think the country is heading in the right direction, according to a new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey for the week ending March 19. This finding is down five points from the previous week and the lowest level of confidence this year., as the average price of a pound of ground beef climbed to another record high in February, hitting $4.238 per pound. Meanwhile, Racial Healing Fans, Voters are in no bigger hurry than the Republican-led U.S. Senate for Obama’s Racist Black Attorney General Nominee Loretta Lynch to replace Obama’s Racist Black Attorney General Eric Holder
YESTERDAY’S STUPID LIBERAL LIAR AWARD went to PMSNBC’s Chris Matthews in full spittle mode, claiming Ted Cruz was turning the GOP into a “torpedo headed directly for the U.S. Capitol, and becoming a Cruise Missile targeting the government itself.”
Runner up was Obama’s RaceBaiter #1 Al Sharpton, who admitted Cruz was “allegable” to run for president, but watch out for mythical Gods (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean), but at least that statement was more understandable than most of the bullshit coming out of Reverend Al’s mealy mouth.
Meanwhile, all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, will be able to listen to more of this Liberal Lunacy every day during the those 666 more days of bad government remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the first half black president in history is impeached.
A&E’S NEW “SLUTS IN THE SUBURBS” REALITY SERIES isn’t exactly being met with enthusiasm by the God-fearing residents around Hamilton Township in Warren County. Citizens for Community Values president Phil Burr-ass says “This immoral show belittles and makes a mockery of marriage by glamorizing cheating and having affairs. Why get married if you don’t plan on being faithful?” One Million Moms posted on a meaningless website in recent days to call for the network to drop the show altogether, which will only increase the show’s ratings.
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says Suburban Sluts in other the Tri-State neighborhoods are outraged those wife-swapping bitches in Warren County are getting all that great free publicity. Trustee Andy Pappas says Adulteresses in Anderson ask if their actions aren’t just as atrocious, Steve Chabothead says Western Hills Wenches wish they could be just as wicked, and in Northern Kentucky, Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen says Floozies in Florence also claim to be fairly fast-and-loose.
DOWN AT THE PLUM STREET PLAYPEN, our City Hall Snitch says there are Huge billboards around the ‘Natti promoting a “Franchise Fair” with a picture of Mark Mallory. Our Disgraced Dainty DemocRAT Former Mayor is also the spokesman on radio commercials, asking listeners to come out and see the opportunities you can have by owning your own franchise. Isn’t it ironic that the spokesman for the event never held a real job and never owned a business?
And wasn’t it Mallory who gave Deadbeat Liz Rogers $1 Million for Mahogany’s? Over-Taxed Trouble maker Tino Delgato says of all the people to choose to talk about owning and running your OWN business, they pick a Librarian, World Traveler (on your over-taxed payers’ dollars), and Father of the Trolley Folly. Go Figure!!!
And which idiot picked out the kind of steel that was installed in the street? Has anyone noticed it’s already rusting? Excessively!
TINO WAS ALSO READING Liz Rogers’ Attorney Robert F. Croskery’s defense of that disgraceful deal Cincinnati City Mangler Harry Black made for his client: Wasn’t it odd Crockery did NOT comment on the Initial deal given to Liz Rogers? The city gave Liz $900K to open her restaurant. Now she is being asked to pay $100K of that initial grant. He thinks that is fair. Tino hopes his billed clients know his new outlook on their payments, so they’ll only have to pay 10 cents on each dollar billed.
FOOLISH FISHWRAPPER JASON WILLIAMS says the City began selling streetcar T-shirts for $20 each on Monday morning. Half of the proceeds from each T-shirt sold will go toward helping to pay to run the streetcar, which is estimated to cost $4 million a year to operate. Our Good Friend Brad says I think maybe Fishwrappers ran their “Buy $20 t-shirt, help pay for streetcar” article a little early. Wasn’t it supposed to run on April First? SORTA needs $4,000,000 to run the streetcar for one year. They are selling t-shirts in hopes that 400,000 morons a year will fork over $20 each to help cover their losses. Does anybody remember how many people still live in Cincinnati? FOOLS!
SOME PERSONS OF CONSEQUENCE on the Exclusive Whistleblower E-mail List who unfortunately happen to be Fuse.net and Zoomtown.com customers wonder if those people in charge of the Stupid Streetcar are the same morons at Cincinnati Bell who prevented them from receiving their daily media advisories from The Blower for the past week because Fuse.net and Zoomtown continue to mislabeled all communications from The Blower’s computer as “spam,” and those geniuses running Cincinnati Bell don’t even have a telephone number for a person to call and report it. Maybe it’s just as well, because it’s highly doubtful that if you were ever able to get through to Cincinnati Bell, those cretins would ever have a chance in hell of solving the problem, and somebody should ask folks Russ Jackson Jr., Tim Pennington, Joe Gorman, James Adams, Cathy Brinkman, John Becker, Tom Bryan, Andrew S. Pappas, Ann Becker, and Brian Shrive if they got their Blowers today.
(BTW, Dick Gregory firstname.lastname@example.org says, “I have not received my Whistleblower since March 17. Is there a problem?” Would somebody like to send Dick an e-mail and let him know what the problem is?”)
CH SNITCH AT 1000 MAIN STREET says Feckless Fishwrapper KimBall Perry is reporting although she’s accused of no addition wrongdoing, Convicted Ditzy DemocRAT Juvie Judge Traci Hunter is scheduled to be back in court Wednesday to answer to a new criminal charge after she was re-indicted earlier this month in an attempt by special prosecutors to fix a legal technicality. Let’s all shout “JayWalking Joe Deters is a Racist” in five, four, three, two, one…
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1911, the Triangle Shirtwaist Company factory in New York City burned down, killing 145, but curiously, $tan Che$ley didn’t get a dime of that settlement money. What happened?
ALSO IN ANDERSON, Dr. Bob Drake’s Coalition to Save Johnson Park says the Park Board sent out an e-mail saying the deadline for completing the Park Board’s survey is soon approaching but they provided no date. The Blower suspects they’ll extend it if they don’t have enough “positive responses” to support their taxing-and-spending plans. Meanwhile, you can provide your negative responses HERE, if you have an hour to kill.
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: The latest and greatest e-dition of Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth’s Attorney E Rob Sanders big blue e-newsletter may be on cyber news stands now, but The Blower didn’t get the link, so we’ll show you this old one filled with the usual collection of thugs, thieves, and other Kentucky Wildcat fans! Just get a gander at the shallow end of the Bluegrass gene pool.
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about diversity enablers at The Fishwrap covering the Mess at Mahogany’s. “It’s just like we always say,” Kane explained. “Even with Skaggie Maggie out of there, our Feckless Fishwrappers are either too lazy, too stupid, or too dishonest ever to report what’s really happening.”
That’s probably why our Quote for Today Committee also chose Gilbert K. Chesterton’s “Journalism is popular, but it is popular mainly as fiction. Life is one world, and life seen in the newspapers is another.”
PLAGIARISM COUNT: Unattributed material was pilfered from only one websites for the production of today’s Blower. (This time we only plagiarized ourselves!)
FREE SPRING TRAINING TICKETS HOT LINE
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e-mail your last-minute requests today.
Some Spring Training items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Spring Training subscribers.
Romney on Holyfield Fight: “I Can Fight Anybody, So Long As Candy Crowley Isn’t The Referee
(Sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Michelle Glass Slipper [1,229 Friends, 102 Mutual], who used to be an important elected official, but is still joined at the hip to “Mean Jean” Schmidt.)