Daily Archives: December 21, 2012

Special “Mayan Mayhem” E-dition

Friday, December 21, 2012

Then Why Are We Working On This E-dition?

  • image004THE MAYANS PREDICTED THE END OF THE WORLD TODAY: And a lot of people all over the world are taking them seriously.Like all those “end of the world callers” flooding the NASA switchboard. Thousands of cult members were arrested in China. Doomsdayers gathered in Australia. New Yorkers are looking for an end-of-the-world orgy. In Washington, Obama and the DemocRATS are replaying their annual doomsday scenario of the National Debt. Every day it looks more like the inmates have taken over the asylum. It’s just what all of those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span Obama voters truly deserve—four more years of the rancor and ruin of the Divided States of America during Obama’s second term. But people in hereabouts have little to worry about. Remember what Mark Twain always said: “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Cincinnati, because it’s always twenty years behind the times.”
  • THE CINCINNATI CITY MESS (YOU ONLY READ ABOUT IN THE BLOWER): The City of Cincinnati is broke, it refuses to fund its retirement system and has a massive $40 million budget deficit. We all know the city is a fiscal mess. Considering all that, the city clown-cil just unanimously approved Dough Boy Honey’s proposal of an Ordinance for the city to hire a Breast Feeding Peer Counselor to the city payroll at a salary of $76,000 per year. (Ordinance 201201484). We told you about this on November 26. Now it’s a done deal. Maybe the end-of-the world has already arrived.
  • image007“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT CHRISTMAS PARTY UPDATE: Tonight’s even is being held in a specially opened private party room at the Horseshoe Casino at 1000 Broadway, downtown, please note the starting time is at 6:00 p.m. Mention to the security person at the entrance you are there for the Schmidt party in order to get in. We are told it’s going to be an upscale celebration this year. Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and The Blower Christmas Dancers will also be there, showing you why they’re favorites at holiday parties all over the tri-state.

Schmidt’s staffers were too bust packing and sending out resumes to send out invitations this year; it’s by word-of-mouth. Parking is on the street or in nearby parking lots. Dress is office-appropriate or cocktail clothing.

And ever since “Bronze Star Brad’s” Transition Team started dropping the ball, everybody’s been wondering where Ohio Second Congressional District Congressman-elect’s office will be located when his term begins in January. The Blower hopes Bronze Star’s new out-of-state District Manger can find Beechmont Avenue in Anderson Township.

  • image009MEANWHILE IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Today is World Fake Orgasm for Peace Day, and nowhere on the planet will the event be celebrated with such enthusiasm as it will be in the Tri-state. There’ll be a giant group orgasm at the Phallic Peace Pole in Anderson, the Piece Bell in Newport will be ringing continuously because every time you head a bell ring it means some lucky lady is having an orgasm, the sign on the Y’All Ville water tower even says, “Y’All Come,” and Miss Vicki says all those uptight bitches from Fort Mitchell are still planning to celebrate “Fake Orgasms for Peace Day.”

When everybody else is celebrating Global Orgasms for Peace today, Obama Supporters in the Press will all be moaning “O-O-O-Obama” during the throes of passion. According to Your Urban Dictionary, an “obasm” is an Obama story that’s so gushy and so fluffy, bereft of objectivity, that one imagines having to clean up after the writer with a mop and bucket.

image012And what better way for Obama’s female followers to demonstrate their fanatical fervor than to purchase another Obama Christmas ornament. That’s why this limited edition “Obama Orgasm” ornament for only $19.95 is so spiritually uplifting, as Obama Supporters in the Press continue to promise “1,461 Days of Christmas” during Obama’s second term, with proceeds benefitting Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign.

image013Today is also the Winter Solstice, and Dave the Druid says “That’s why we like to call ourholiday the Wiccan Sabbat of Yule. How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: They don’t screw I a light bulb. They screw in stone circles.

And tonight, if the Mayan prediction doesn’t come true, will also be our Good Friend Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ annual Christmas Party at Sidebar in Covington, where The Whistleblower NoKY Legal Dream Team and the Cabal to Destroy “Crazy Eric Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) events are being combined.

  • FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher what’s been the worst part about being under the weather this week, not even being able to publish an e-dition on Wednesday. “It’s been a tough week,” Kane lamented. “I even had to give up a bribe lunch at The Boathouse.”

Stories We’reWorking On

  • image016Could Fiscal Cliff Ruin Obama Family’s Vacation
  • Boehner Just Can’t Stop Blinking
  • Gun Ban List Is Out
  • NRA Memberships Soar
  • Wal-Mart Sells Out of Bazookas
  • CNN Anchor Blames God for Newtown Massacre
  • Obama says “The best is yet to come.”

  Whistleblower Web Poll

image019This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said most ordinary Americans would be observing Christmas:
(A) Going to church: 2%
(B) Complaining about crappy presents: 2%
(C) Watching “A Christmas Story” on TV for 24 hours straight: 2%
(D) Getting another day off with pay: 94%

Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!

The True Meaning of Chri$tma$

image021This week, everybody who thinks the most important part of any Christmas present is the sales receipt, so you can return it and get what you really want, faxed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

The winner from Price Hill is once again Ebeneezer Leach, who urges people to put all those garish flashing lights on their houses for Christmas because he owns all those shares of Duke Energy stock.

Ebeneezer wins a “Let’s Get Christ Out of Christmas” T-shirt, tips on how to tell if women you meet are naughty or nice, a pair of gigantic humping reindeer with moving lights for his rooftop, and that same rancid fruit cake he sent us three years ago. His winning limerick is:

The most fun this holiday season
Will be hugging your spouse and doin’ some squeezin’.
And don’t forget to say the blessing
When serving the turkey and the dressing,
Or good old St. Nick you’ll be displeasin’.

The most fun this holiday season
Once you find a good reason
To get into bed
While she gives you good head
Now that can really be pleasing.’

The most fun this holiday season
While the flu has us coughin’ and wheezin’
Is to stay warm and dry
Enjoying turkey and pie
Unlike bums under bridges whose asses are a freezin’

The most fun this holiday season
And I’m really not teasin’
With the new ban on smoke
You won’t have to choke
And you can go to a bar without wheezin’

The most fun this holiday season
Isn’t fruitcake and mistletoe teasin’
For when the weather is frightful
Staying home is delightful
That’s if your mistress is pleasin’

The most fun this holiday season
Will be to “occupy” Wall Street for no reason!
My friends and I love to bitch
And we just hate all the rich
Oh c’mon – you know I’m just teasin’!

And from the Anderson Laureate, who seems to be running short on the Milk of Human Kindness:
The most fun this holiday season
Will be staying inside where it ain’t freezin’
Then if I’m lucky
And my wife’s feeling plucky
I might get in a little squeezin’

But if she simply ain’t into the mood
Even though I’m laying there nude
Something else I’ll be tryin’
(Think of that guy we call O’Brien)
I’m sorry if that sounds too crude.

Or maybe just for the helluvit
I might try to remain celibate
Or I might decide to go
And act like a gigolo
And go out in the street and sell a bit.

I’m not really as weird as it seems
I just have these crazy man dreams
Can I help it if I’m male?
At least I’m not in jail
I am straight up, and ain’t got no schemes.

So anyway, let’s get back to the holiday
I mean, that’s what we’re discussing today
What’ll be fun for me
I’ll just have to wait and see
Who knows, it might be a roll in the hay?

And for our Folks in Kentucky we have:
The most fun this holiday season
Political favors just short of treason.
Even Ole Liquid Plummer
Would give Fletcher a hummer
For a political job, is the reason.

The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“This time my New Year’s Resolution”


e-mail your ridiculous requests today.


Some gluten-free items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally gluten-free subscribers.

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image020Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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