Schnozzy Heimlich was a balding little six-year-old boy whose dad kept giving him small items to swallow so he could test his untried life-saving maneuvers. He always dreamed of being a part-time legal commentator on TV, just like his hero Mike Allen, because that way people would think he was a legal expert, even if he could never claim a distinguished legal or political career.
So the Seediest Kids of All sent over an official TV reporter’s trench coat to help Schnozzy look the part; DVDs of all those old “Law and Order” episodes, so Schnozzy could study up on how Prosecutor Jack McCoy got all his convictions; Ken “Mad Dawg” Lawson gave Schnozzy some lessons on abrasive courtroom theatrics, and the folks at TV 9 Substantially True News even gave Schnozzy a chance to audition.
Unfortunately, during his first broadcast, Schnozzy “reported” the “Law and Order” case that everybody had seen on TV the night before, threw in some of those “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” lines he’d seen Johnny Cochran use during the OJ Trial, and said, “But that IS my real nose,” when that cute little TV 9 reporterette asked him.
The Heimlich family called to express their gratitude for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt and tax dollars throughout the year which make it all possible.