Tag Archives: The Onion

Special “Wednesday’s Wild Cards” E-dition

 Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda

WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2018
Tonight’s Top Conservative News Stories You Won’t See On The Front Page Of Tomorrow’s Fishwrap

(Or On Channels 5, 9, 12, And 19, Either)

— Here’s Tonight’s Top Whistleblower News Scoop —

Did ABC really cancel Roseanne’s TV Show for daring to make a joke about Valerie Jarrett, just because the right-leaning comedienne sent out a little tweet about Obama’s African American adviser Valerie Jarrett’s being the lovechild of the Muslim Brotherhood and the “Planet of the Apes?”

That’s why Tonight’s Trump Top Tweet was a home run: Bob Iger of ABC called Valerie Jarrett to let her know that “ABC does not tolerate comments like those” made by Roseanne Barr. Gee, he never called President Donald J. Trump to apologize for the HORRIBLE statements made and said about me on ABC. Maybe I just didn’t get the call?

Sarah Sanders explained at Wednesday’s press briefing: “The President is pointing to the hypocrisy in the media saying the most horrible things about this President and nobody addresses it.”

Sanders expanded on that sentiment, reading from a list of examples meant to bolster Trump’s point, including ESPN host Jemele Hill calling Trump a white supremacist on Twitter, “The View” host Joy Behar likening Christianity to mental illness and ESPN anchor Keith Olbermann attacking Trump as a Nazi.
‘Where was the Bob Iger’s apology to the White House staff for Jemele Hill calling the president and anyone associated with him a white supremacist? To Christians around the world for Joy Behar calling Christianity a mental illness? Where was the apology for Kathy Griffin going on a profane rant against the president on “The View” after a photo showed her holding President Trump’s decapitated head?’ Sanders asked.

“This is a double standard that the President is speaking about,” Sanders said. “No one is defending her comments. They were inappropriate. But that was the point that he was making.”
Memo to Sarah: Here’s a few examples you could’ve included:
Donald Trump Sues Bill Maher over Orangutan Joke.

(“Sir [Speaking to Trump], you attract more skinheads than free Rogaine. You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign language gorilla that got hit in the head. In fact, the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin’s cock holster.”)
Stephen Colbert’s Cock Holster Joke

Comedian Michelle Wolf Stuns Media With Attack On Trump’s Team

—Tonight’s Top Trump Tweet —


1990 THROWBACK:”ROSEANNE BARR SINGS THE NATIONAL ANTHEM”

— TONIGHT’S SPYGATE UPDATE—

— TONIGHT’S BEN GARRISON MOMENT —

Let’s go surfin’ now
Everybody’s learning how
Come on and safari with me

Every time I turn around some hapless “Donkey soy boy” is yelling “Blue Wave! Blue Wave!” on Twitter. It’s looking like the famed “Blue Wave” is turning out to be a “tiddy bowl” puddle.

What’s that flushing sound? Oh, it’s that “Blue Wave”

TO SEE MORE BEN GARRISON ILLUSTRATIONS, CLICK HERE

— TONIGHT’S PHOTO-SHOP EDITORIAL SPOOFS ON CURRENT EVENTS FROM EDWARD CROPPER —

 TO SEE MORE PHOTO SHOP EDITORIAL SPOOFS FROM EDWARD CROPPER, CLICK HERE

— Whistleblower NFL Super Bowl Boycott Countdown Continues —

HOW BAD IS THE D-RATS’ CRIME WAVE IN CHICAGO?
CLICK HERE

— Anderson Redskins Uprising —

Redskins Pride Was On Full Display At Last Week’s Graduation

Our Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin says:

Feckless Fishwrapper McCauley suggests Starbucks Training is a strategy for which we all should strive. It’s more than just good for business. 

Who the hell wants to work for a company — much less buy from a company — that imposes Orwellian thought control on its employees?

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” George Orwell, 1984

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.” George Orwell, 1984

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.” George Orwell, 1984

“Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.” George Orwell, 1984

The Blower Is Still Waiting For Our Soros-Funded Boycott For Mocking David Hogg To Begin

— Tonight’s Whistleblower Not-Faking News —
“All The News That’s Not To Fake”

A minimum of 21 journalists worldwide were imprisoned on charges connected to “fake news” last year, according to a new report from the Committee to Protect Journalists. So why are these Trump Haters still walking around free?

— TONIGHT’S REAL NEWS FROM SATIRICAL WEB SITES —

 

Starbucks Institutes ‘Racial Realignment Program’

SEATTLE, Washington (World News Bureau) – As part of today’s diversity courses implemented at all Starbucks locations, employees were educated on the chain’s new ‘Racial Realignment Program’ (RAP).

According to a leaked memo, the program is to “ensure the contentment of those guests who are at a disadvantage in our society and deserving of our best efforts to accommodate them while marginalizing those who have harmed them.”

TO SEE MORE BIG HAIRY NEWS, CLICK HERE

Prog off: New Rocky and Bullwinkle Season 101 approved!

 

TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE, CLICK HERE

Nation’s Conservatives Blame Ambien For Decision To Adopt Roseanne As Political…

U.S—After Roseanne Barr’s recent rise to political stardom and subsequent implosion caused by a racist tweet, the nation’s conservatives almost immediately blamed prescription sedative…

TO HEAR MORE BUZZ FROM THE BABYLON BEE, CLICK HEREShowrunner Disappointed World Will Never See Episode Where Roseanne Blows Open Seth Rich Murder

TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM THE ONION, CLICK HERE 

Tonight’s Top Three Items Published In The Original Printed Edition Of The Whistleblower (Not The Newswire) Nearly 27 Years Ago (Edition #53, June 4, 1991)

— Tonight’s Top Whistleblower Political Posters —

— HERE’S HOW YOU CAN SUPPORT YOUR FAVORITE FAKE NEWS SITE —

The Whistleblower Newswire Is The Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda
The Blower believes we’re still living during the most important period in American History for our non-stop campaign against Political Correctness, the Devolution of American Culture, and the Liberal News Media. Congress and the Liberal Media Establishment will continue to lie and say really stupid things without a smidgen of journalistic integrity in their effort to advance the Liberal Agenda.

Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane Says The Conservative Agenda Is Now Working On Donald Trump’s Third 100 Days To Make America Great Again. Today Was Day Number 495 And There Are Now Only 887 More Days Until Trump’s Re-Election Day on November 3, 2020.