THURSDAY, MARCH 28, 2019
Trump’s 797th Day In Office
Seediest Kids of All
The Whistleblower’s 28th Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (not associated with the Failed United Way) began earlier this week.
We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.
Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the corrupt news media? No charity made our beloved publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our “endorsement” we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.
Today’s Worthy Waif
Asstap Purvertal (his name means “where the sun don’t shine”) was a poor little boy living on the streets of Oh, Calcutta who was deported to the sanctuary city of Cincinnati after he was caught practicing the Kama Sutra on the sacred cow Maggie Moo. The Hamilton County Juvenile Court, having worldwide jurisdiction, decided to hear the case of “really gross sexual imposition” against little Asstap.
The Seediest Kids of All (not affiliated with the failed United Way) scraped together the $69,000 fee to hire who else but pervert lawyer James “The Rock” Bogen to defend Asstap at trial. The magistrate “smelled what The Rock was cookin” and found little Asstap not to be delinquent.
Now Asstap’s subsequent plans for world domination may never succeed and “The Rock” may still get funny looks at the judges’ fundraisers, but Asstap Purvertal only has you to thank because your liberal guilt-giving throughout the year made it all possible.