SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 2017
Especially If You Get Presents Every Day, Too!
Guests have already begun to arrive for this tonight’s celebrity dinner for Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s “insignificant” birthday that was supposed to be a surprise. Do you think “Mean Jean” Schmidt will be jumping out of the cake like she did last year?
Good Grief! It’s hard to imagine how many people would ignore The Blower’s standard “No More Social Networking On The Job” warning at the bottom of our web page by wasting their employers’ time during working hours sending birthday greetings to a fictitious Facebook character.
On the other hand, Mrs. Kane even invited her wonderful husband to lunch because some new Chinese Restaurant in Anderson had a birthday special with a $10-off Birthday Coupon. The missus must’ve had a cancellation. And those birthday text messages from Hillary (saying it’s never too late to become a member of Team Hillary) and Beechmont Toyota (offering a discount oil change) were really special. Kane’s former assistant “Cratchit” sent gold, frankincense, and myrrh. How Biblical was that? But the bad news has been: for the past seven years, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher has no longer been a “sextegenarian.” We suppose that now makes him an “over-sexed-tegenearian.”
And ever since that Attack on Free Speech in France, where Radical Islamic Terrorists targeted a specific type of speech that is known as “sarcasm,” Homeland Security decided to protect institutional Sarcastic Free Speech here in United States by putting an illegal alien rent-a-cop outside the undisclosed location of Kane’s Celebrity Celebration today. Meanwhile, our “Liberals Tell the Stupidest Lies” Award Committee reports every Obama Supporter in the Liberal Propaganda Media can’t stop spewing the “Fake News” Narrative that America has become safer during Obama’s eight years in office.
This Birthday, Kane is having a lot of fun watching President-Elect Donald Trump toying with all those Clinton Colluders in the Liberal Propaganda Media during his transition. It used to be, the only place you could see members of the media called “lying bastards” was in The Blower. Now all of those surrogates, spokesmen, and suck-ups on Trump’s Transition Team blast those lying bastards every chance they get, while the Trumpster slams stupid people on Twitter at every opportunity.
Kane remembers how the Incredibly Shrinking Fishwrap celebrated Kane’s Birthday Bash two years ago. What could be better than a picture of John Boehner trying to stick his tongue in Nancy Pelosi’s ear? Which was better than the year before, when we couldn’t even see it on the internet because of that “temporary service interruption in our area” Time Warner apologized for each of the 87 times we called, especially when we told them we couldn’t even get to our home page on the internet, because it was Time Warner’s Roadrunner.com. Oh, the Irony!
Hurley the historian says on January 7, 1999, Kane got a really great birthday present with the opening of the impeachment trial began in the Senate for Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton, who’d been formally charged with lying under oath and obstructing justice.
Finally, 26 years ago, The Whistleblower had already begun its tradition of counting down the days until the next election, like when we reported that Ken Blackwell’s ‘92 campaign against Charlie Luken had already begun. Other items in Edition #32 published on January 8, 1991 included At the Dirty Movies with Weikel and Leis, and Jim Cissell’s Top Ten Reasons former Cincinnati City Residents gave for leaving the city.